Long Time Coming

To The Stars

2012-01-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

Another blogger has posted the poem below about loss. I think she wrote it herself and it touches me in a huge way. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and I understand it deep down.

For those who don't know, I graduated with an English degree and spent the majority of my four years in college writing - everything from short stories to poetry and songs. I love poetry. I wanted to post this one on my blog for myself to read and for others who have gone through a pregnancy loss or stillbirth. I think it's perfect and exactly what I would have written.

Someday soon, I hope to write something of my own, to share part of my art. That, paired with photography will hopefully help me continue healing as winter turns into spring.

hymn for him

my life
my other heart
my beloved
my most important creation
my transformation
my closest relation
my evolution
my progression and reflection
my expression of perfection
made out of all i had
i honor you with all that remains

you were my body and my future
you were wings
stretching from inside me
you were promise of life and flight
you were living, dancing Light.
you were mine
you were me.
not just part of me
but the best of me
all my life and energy
all my love.
all my love.
i’m told that i should just erase you
and the void will go away
and it’s simple to replace you
this is natural, they say
no one wants to hear about you
or the way it feels without you
but there has never been a more fierce love or bond

and now you’re gone

you were everything i wanted
now i’m empty, bleeding, haunted
but the whole world’s waiting for me to move on
and so
in my imagination
i release my great creation
to the stars
to the stars
to the stars

but i will never love another quite like this
i am your mother, you’re my wish
that very nearly did come true
and always, darling,
I Love You.

Celebration

2012-01-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

(I stole the picture from my sister because I love it!)

My sweet nephew is 2 years old today! He really has been such a light in my life and I can't believe he has been with us for 2 whole years now. He is as ornery as a toddler his age is bound to be, but boy he can make me smile!

I love you Benny!

All For You

2012-01-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

A couple of special things happened recently. I have been gifted so much as of late - for both my healing heart and our babies' memory.

One of the people who has openly shared in my loss has been my mom. She talks about her grandbabies as if she knew them as well as I did. She reaches out and wants to keep their memory alive like I do. My mom recognizes M & A as babies, not a pregnancy or a miscarriage.

Having the twins' names written on a beach was something I thought of doing a while back. I came across a blog called Christian's Beach a month or so ago. It's written by a woman who lost her son and who wanted to reach out to others in pain by giving them a beautiful dedication. She lives near a beach in Australia and goes out each evening to write names in the sand to post on her webpage. It's a small but touching gesture to see your child's name somewhere beautiful and tangible. She does this for free, but requires a donation to have the jpeg photo sent to you for printing.

I never followed up on this, as I was still fumbling through my mess of a heart. Let's be honest, I still am.

My mom did this without my even mentioning it to her. She found the site all on her own and had M & A put on the list of children to be remembered.

On January 20th, Carly set out at sunset, in another part of the world, to honor our Michael and Alena. My mom made the donation so we could receive the rights to the prints for our memory book.

"At the end of the day, all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."

Thank you mom...for loving them as I loved them. For wanting them as we wanted them. For missing and remembering them in a way that touches my heart. M & A will live on as long as we give them time and space to be. You are helping me do that and I am grateful.

Also: one of my dear friends Katie was finally able to get us our belated Christmas gift. But moreover, it was a birthday present for the twins. A very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. Through it all, she's been a good friend and someone I have been able to open up to completely. She's let me talk about my pain and she's kept me distracted when I needed it. Katie was also one of the first people to ask to see pictures of the twins.

I wanted to give her a space on my blog to say Thank You for her continued support and care. And now for this beautiful gift to remember M & A.

I am gathering little by little, the pieces of my broken heart and with each tear I hope to come a fraction closer to being 'okay'. I will keep finding ways to love them and be their mommy even as they play as angels now. It's all I can do and it has to be enough.

Thank you to those who are helping me remember them.

If I Could Turn Back Time

2012-01-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

...I would do things better.

Looking back now on the time we spent with the twins, there are so many things I would do differently. Things that I wish I could have given them and words I should have said when I had the chance.

I have regrets about those short hours we spent with M & A. I just want to go back and do it all again.

If I had known ahead of time that they were going to be born that afternoon or if we had found them without a heartbeat at our next appointment, I could've had a little more time to digest all that would have to happen.

The way that it all happened, so quickly and suddenly, left me unable to come to terms with what was going to be our inevitable outcome. It felt like one second I was begging my husband to take me to the hospital and the next I was experiencing the end stages of labor, with the doctor telling me they weren't viable and wouldn't survive. And the next moment...I had my son and daughter in my arms.

I know I spent that morning and afternoon in shock and unable to process their passing. I cried, but it was in disbelief and confusion. In 12 hours I had gone from blissfully pregnant to handing over my children in a horrible goodbye. 12 hours may seem like a while to some, but I had spent the majority of it (until they were both sleeping in my arms) in denial. I thought up until the last moment that there was SOMETHING that could be done to stop the labor or save them. I didn't fully understand that they were gone: they had been alive on the ultrasound machine just before the delivery. They were there one moment and gone the next.

It was sort of like what my brain did during labor. It was a short labor, but the whole time my mind couldn't come around to the realization of what was really happening. I became dumb to all the things I knew about labor. The waves of contractions, the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom, the downward pressure. None of it registered with me. All I knew was that something was wrong and it was too early for me to be in labor. Any other thoughts were ignored.

I stayed in this denial through the end. They were too small...I couldn't be in labor...and if I was, then someone can give me drugs to stop it.

When they were born, I couldn't think straight. I let those around me make the decisions and tell me what was best. The only decision I remember making was that I only wanted to hold them together, not apart. They had to stay together. Even though at that point Michael was gone and Alena was still alive. They had grown side-by-side and they would be together till the end. That was the only 'fully aware' thought I could muster.

I needed to paint a picture of those hours so you can understand where my brain was at the time. It was fumbling around in my skull, refusing to accept that these two perfectly formed angels were no longer part of my living future. These two babies I had formed an intense bond with the moment I saw those two pink lines would never grow taller than 9.5 inches or weigh over 12 ounces. It wasn't something I knew how to come to terms with.

My time with them was a blur to me. I remember bits and pieces and how their tiny hands felt on my index finger. I remember my marveling at their tiny, perfect noses and sweet little lips. I remember the moment the nurse showed us their private parts and how I was so glad to know that they were exactly what we thought they were. I remember Mike holding them and the way he stared down at their faces, both in happiness and in grief - how he would go back and forth from crying to smiling. I remember telling the nurse that I didn't think Alena was breathing anymore when the life seemed to leave her. I knew it was coming after seeing Michael so still, but it broke my heart all over again to say goodbye to her.

We did take a little bit of time to take some pictures of them and for that I am grateful. But there are so many things I wish I would have done while we had the time. So many things I wasn't in the mindset to complete or even think of. Really all I could do is hold and look at them, trying to memorize every tiny feature. Anything beyond that would never have occurred to me.

And I wish it had.

Looking back now, I would have told them all the things I had meant to tell them at birth. I would have told them about their family, how they came to be, how long we waited for them and had loved them. I would have sang to them, just as I had while they were inside me.

I would have kissed them. I may have kissed my finger and pressed it to their foreheads, but I don't think I ever put my lips to their faces. I am not sure why and I wish I had that chance back.

I might have asked to bathe them or wrap them in their blanket myself.

And looking back, I should have allowed myself to be photographed with them. I just couldn't imagine looking back on those photos and seeing the grief and pain on our faces. I didn't think I could ever see my husband like that again, so I made certain we weren't in any of the pictures.
There are a lot of regrets about what I should have done, but I can't go back. I know that at the time, the shock was just too overwhelming to think so far in advance. I let myself off the hook for this, but I still wish I could turn back time.

Now I feel like I am trying to make up for it all after the fact. I am trying to remember, honor and love them in as many ways as I can. I've accepted that they're gone, but I still want to give them all of me...the way I would have if they had survived. I want to be the mother that I know I would have been, had they been able to come home with me full term.

Just because they didn't make it, doesn't mean that they don't deserve all the care and parenting I can give them now. It may not be the same attention and memories that they would have had, but they will be acknowledged and loved in every way I can imagine. It's all I can do and it doesn't feel like enough. It will never feel like enough, but each little thing makes me feel better.

This time in my life (3rd trimester) should have been all about them. Every purchase, every celebration, and every plan...that was what should have been. Even though they have passed on and my dreams have been irrevocably changed - this time is still all about them. That is not going to change.

My plans for the future have altered and I am no longer the same person I was just over 3 months ago, but this time in my life will remain theirs. As it always should have been.

After their original due date (a tentative Feb. 26th), I will try to look forward to a new chapter. A new plan.

I'll never be able to change what happened. I know that I will never for a moment forget the family we were supposed to be and I plan on keeping their memory alive, but I'm also hoping I can find a balance. Right now, that seems difficult and there is a lot of guilt involved in moving forward. So perhaps its just not the right time yet.

My eyes are searching for something ahead of me, while my heart is still firmly planted in October. It's a strange place to be, but each month that passes brings a few more smiles and some fragile hopes.

I will never 'get over it', but maybe I can get through it. With time, support, and memories of Michael and Alena, we will find the balance.

* Now is the time for de-lurking. If you read this blog and haven't commented, please do so I know you are here for support. I would love to know you are there.

The Angel Tree List

2012-01-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

Memory Trees

A tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity national forest for each Angel family on this list. In honor of my twins Michael and Alena – these ‘angel’ trees will grow together strong and beautiful, just as we will always see our children.

Some of these precious souls were lost in miscarriage while others were born pre-term or still. No matter the stage of loss, each child was wanted and loved with parents who are missing them every day. In memory and celebration of these perfect babies, a donation was made to dedicate 40 trees.

"There is no foot so small it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Baby Lily B . – October 2011

Baby Wolf – March 2010

Christy & Randy’s babies - 6/21/06, 6/20/07 & 6/8/11

Baby Elliot – March 30, 2011 to April 16, 2011

Baby Nathan, Malia, & Anthony – August 28, 2011

Baby Livvi – April 1, 2011

E & R’s Baby – July 25, 2008

Baby Scott ‘sprout’ – August 10, 2011

Baby Miller – August 22, 2011

Baby Vaux - April 2008 & two ectopic babies - Sept. 2008, July 2011

Baby Gavin – May 19, 2011

Baby DeFrias – December 12, 2009

Baby Allen – April 11, 2011

Baby Sofia & Avelina – August 1, 2011

Baby Shaw #1 and #2 – November 7, 2008 & September 10, 2009

Yagur babies – July 2008, October 2010, April 2011

Baby Gray – September 27, 2011

Aitken babies – October 2009, May 2010, December 2010

Baby S – December 3, 2009

Baby Aliya & Bennett – August 5, 2011

Baby Caleb - December 2008 & Caleb’s siblings – February 2011 & June 2011

Baby Isaac – April 3, 2011

Kelley’s babies – February 2011 & October 2011

Baby Astin 4/2010, Baby Ember 5/2010, Baby Poppy 2/2011, Baby Echo 6/2011, & Baby Raven 7/2011

Baby “Bean” – December 2011

Baby Andrew & Benjamin – October 12, 2011

Baby H – April 6, 2010

Rebecca’s babies – November 2011

Baby Hope – February 22, 2011

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

Baby William & Ethan – December 4, 2010

Shafer babies – August 2010, October 2010, November 2010

Robin twins – March 16, 2011

Baby Nathaniel, Kade, & Roanin – March 2010

Baby Goddard – August 12, 2010

Baby Lauren Joy – October 2011

Baby Colton – April 3, 2008

Hattie’s baby – December 2011

Denise & Adel’s baby – October 2011

Cristy & Grey’s baby – January 2012

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

This list made me sad just compiling it, but unfortunately it's our reality. I know the number of lost children out here in the blog world far exceeds the ones I've named...and I wish we were holding our babies instead of planting trees in their memory. Since there is nothing to be done about that fact, I'll have to find peace in doing what I can to show my love.

This is just the beginning.

101 Things

2012-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

I am finally done with my list of goals for the next 2.75 years! It took forever.
I stole a couple ideas from bloggie friends and made-up a bunch of my own. I may end-up changing a few if I think of something way better since a couple of them are a little lame.

But my list is complete. I now have something healthy to focus on instead of the grief day in and day out. I want to continue to do things for my babies - things that I can remember and honor them by...but I need to do things for myself too.
Thus, the 1001 list.

I'll post a separate tab on my blog to store the list so you can continue to check on my progress and see what I have accomplished. I'll report some of these items on posts as well.

I hope that while I am in in this never-ending waiting game, I'll find some peace, joy, and healing.

101 in 1001 list!

The Mission: Complete 101 pre-set tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and somewhat challenging. They should be something you want to accomplish or that will benefit you or others in some way.

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a good amount of time because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as trips and outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips: 1) Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it. 2) Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress. 3) Welcome Failure. It presents the opportunity to learn and makes success more worthy. 4) Write down your goals. 5) Keep your goals in sight.

Here are my 101 ~

1. Make a pie from scratch. Crust and all.

2. Clean out and organize all closets in the house.

3. Organize our garage.

4. Lose 10 lbs.

5. Lose 20 lbs.

6. Bring home a baby.

7. Go to a Ballet or a play/theater performance.

8. Whiten my teeth.

9. Buy a new camera or new lenses.

10. Volunteer.

11. Get one massage a year (3 total).

12. Go to at least 5 counseling sessions with a therapist.

13. Spend a weekend in pajamas and watch the extended versions of LOTR.

14. Finish M & A’s memory scrap book.

15. Visit a firing/shooting range.

16. Buy some kind of home security ‘weapon’.

17. Host a holiday meal/party at our house.

18. Landscape front and back yards.

19. Replace the light fixtures in the house.

20. Invite family from Ohio to come stay with us.

21. Join a book club, even if I have to start it myself.

22. Donate clothes we no longer wear.

23. Don’t use the snooze button for one week.

24. Learn how to knit or crochet and make something for someone.

25. Update the picture frames for our walls, to be hanged.

26. Go one month without fast food.

27. Take a train somewhere.

28. Send a friend a surprise in the mail, just because.

29. Get new tires for my car.

30. Re-watch LOST.

31. Cut hair short again (about shoulder length).

32. Compliment one person a day for two weeks.

33. Go to one concert a year.

34. Donate at least one dollar to charity each time the option comes-up (like at the grocery store)

35. Go to Chopsticks dueling piano bar.

36. Buy a screen for the back door.

37. Make lunch for yourself for two weeks straight.

38. Walk Charlie every day for a week (at least 30 mins).

39. Write and send someone a letter.

40. Buy new knives (block set).

41. Take a vacation out of state.

42. Don’t log onto Facebook for two weeks.

43. Meet a blogger friend in person.

44. Make homemade cheesecake or Key lime pie.

45. Take a yoga class.

46. Take a short class in something (cake decorating, pottery, etc).

47. Drink at least 6 glasses of water a day for two weeks.

48. Read three non-fiction books.

49. Cancel Macy’s card.

50. Paint our upstairs bathroom.

51. Make photobooks for California and Mexico trips.

52. Replace front and back outside lights.

53. Plant veggie/flower gardens into new beds.

54. Start a conversation with a stranger.

55. Go to dinner at Teatro ZinZanni.

56. Make your own pizza.

57. Sponsor a needy child.

58. Go on a road trip.

59. Replace our front door.

60. Donate Blood.

61. Try three new foods.

62. Buy 5 “just because” gifts for people.

63. Make a point to celebrate a pregnancy announcement by someone I love.

64. Talk to an acquaintance about my story.

65. Raise money for a worthy cause.

66. Help husband build new computer.

67. Reconnect with someone I lost touch with.

68. Stay one night in a “tree house” hotel.

69. Get Charlie’s teeth cleaned by the vet in his 6th year.

70. Write a poem in my babies’ name.

71. Make a donation to the Arbor Day Foundation in honor of the babies lost.

72. Cook a nice/romantic dinner for Mike.

73. Sort through M & A’s things to be donated, sold, or kept.

74. Come out of the infertility closet completely.

75. Join a gym.

76. Offer to babysit my nephew once a month (for 6 months) so my sis & BIL can go out.

77. Forgive myself.

78. Learn a song on the guitar.

79. See a dermatologist about a couple of moles I have.

80. Make jewelry for someone.

81. Sell some of our DVD’s on craigs.list

82. Go back for acupuncture treatments.

83. Do something special every October 12th.

84. Go ice skating.

85. Catch a fish.

86. Organize our file cabinet.

87. Mount tv & move media to new storage.

88. Only buy U.S. made products for 3 months.

89. Play a video game all the way through.

90. Take Charlie dog on vacation with us.

91. Go golfing.

92. Be part of a flash mob.

93. Hike to see M & A each summer.

94. Go see the Titanic in 3D (April 2012)

95. Go to a county fair.

96. Fix and use hot tub.

97. Eat breakfast for dinner.

98. Eat dessert for dinner.

99. Watch favorite childhood films: Dark Crystal, Never Ending Story, Labrynth, Princess Bride & Drop Dead Fred.

100. Make 5 CD's for people you love and mail it to them.

101. Take a walk in the rain with someone.

Start date: January 4, 2012 End date: October 1,2014

READY? GO!!!

Forward Momentum

2012-01-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Happy January everyone.
Just wanting to check in while I've got a day off and let you know that despite a difficult Christmas, my New Years celebration went well.

Mike and I met up with some close friends for a low-key house party about an hour away. The food and drinks were plentiful and the conversation flowed.

I thought about the babies often but made a point to keep the loss out of conversation for one full evening. Even when a friend asked me how I was doing, in that all-knowing tone. I haven't seen her since September and have not been able to go over the details of what happened with her, so I know she was probably concerned and curious about it all. But for just one night, I wanted to put my focus elsewhere and avoid the waterworks. So instead of answering, I changed the subject back to what our group had been discussing previously. I hope it didn't seem like I was shooing her away, but that question always leads to more of the same.

Something I was determined to avoid so I could attempt a joyful holiday.

Besides that, it was smooth sailing.

I was lucky enough to be surrounded by individuals who were all either single or married without kids. It's tough to come by these days, but I was grateful that I could avoid pregnancy and kid talk for a few precious hours. I miss the days when all conversation centered around vacations, home projects, books and entertainment. It was a nice break from the overload of sad topics I usually find myself in.

I don't really have resolutions this year, as it hasn't really worked well for me in the past. I have a few general goals for myself in the short term and I've been working on a list for the next few years. A couple of other bloggers I know are concentrating on 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days.

I like this idea! The list helps you to focus on doing things that you've wanted to complete for a while such as projects or goals. It also should benefit you in some way by either being practical or perhaps some sort of indulgence you have been denying yourself. Many of the things are going to push me to do something I can be proud of or maybe force me to experience something new and interesting.

It's a great idea and should give me plenty to look towards and achieve over the next 2.75 years. Something to focus on besides the all-encompassing 'baby making'. I can only control so much in that process...so having other things I can work towards to help me complete this next year (with or without a baby) will be beneficial.

Last year at the same time, I was trying to find my way back to happy. I was feeling out of control and sad...so I thought to myself...why not make a point to do things for myself on a regular basis? Things that will lead me to enjoying life again.

This 101 list is just what I need. It's true that some of the things may not be exactly 'enjoyable', but they will at least be something that I will be glad about accomplishing.

I will post this list as soon as I can get it finished. I am hoping for this week.

Beyond that - I am just getting my other list ready to send off to The Arbor Day Foundation. The one that will honor all the lost babies of those I know and love.

It's a bit sad how long that list is in fact growing. I hate that so many of us have had to lose something as precious as a baby.

If you have lost a pregnancy - whether it be by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss - please comment below this post with the name of your baby(ies) and their date of 'birth'. I'll be having trees planted together in a national forest for each baby loved and lost. I'll be turning in my list and donation to ADF in about a week's time.

I want to include as many of Michael and Alena's friends as possible so their trees can all grow strong a beautiful together.

The Christmas decorations are put away, my surgery is scheduled (yes my uterus now needs surgery)...and all I can do at the moment is focus on little things to bring happiness right now. Losing a few pounds and completing a couple of projects are already on my short list, so I'll start with that.

Thank you for your amazing encouragement. I still have a long way to go in this process, but I am ready to move toward hope...little by little.

A Song From Mom

2011-12-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

I've got another song for you my friends.

A fellow blogger sent me a link to this song and I don't know how I missed it since I am a fan of the group Daughtry.

For anyone who has had a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant loss - your words and feelings are beautifully put into music. I still connect deeply to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, but this song is much more specific to our loss.

I love how music can really make you feel included. That all-encompassing loneliness doesn't feel so overwhelming when you hear that someone has written a song that has touched millions.

Take a moment and listen. It's a beautiful tribute to our 'gone too soon' babies.

Daughtry - Gone Too Soon

I love you every day, Michael and Alena.

29!

2011-12-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my hubby!

Mexico - May 2011

Dark Passenger

2011-12-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

I may have posted about this, but I'm expanding on it because it seems to be the thing I am having the most trouble coming to grips with.

I have a split personality.

Yep. I have the ideal side of me who is strong, capable, hopeful, and can overcome anything in her path. That is the person I was before infertility and who tries to surface in intervals throughout the day.
Then there is the injured side of me who is tired of being shit on, who pulls back from happiness and who is angry at everything. This is the girl who wants to run away, avoid the memories, and everyone who currently has what she lost.

I play tug-of-war with my split personalities every day. All day.

I can feel like two different people in the same moment. I think I may very well be schizophrenic.

For example: I go to a friend's to spend time with her and her baby daughter. I am feeling pretty good...holding and cuddling with the baby...smiling. Then something clicks over and I feel despair and grief over this happy family. This family that had no problem creating this beautiful child, carrying her, and can now be blissfully happy this Christmas. My heart breaks in that moment.

Then sometimes I can reign myself back in and focus on how happy I am that my friend never had to know the pain that we face - that I had to face. I can shove it back down with both hands and be a normal friend to her.

On occasion I can make it through the rest of an evening without that injured side of me stomping back in. Other times...when I least expect it, my 'dark passenger' forces her way out without warning and I have no choice but to bow my head and retreat.

All of this can happen in the span of 60 seconds. To go back and forth like that so quickly leaves you feeling like the breath has been knocked out of you. It leaves you completely drained.

That's what it's like when I venture out of my house to push back at life. That's what I have to go through over and over, every day. I know I can't just stop fighting my dark passenger - that side of me that wants to be alone and longs to stay angry. If I want to heal and be happy, I have to push back.

But it is SO exhausting. Every day when I wake-up, I think "oh god, here we go again".

My nephew seems to be 'afraid' of me a little now. I know that kids (at a certain age) get shy and hesitant with people they don't see on a frequent basis. I guess I am now bordering on that line and it kills me. He used to be so happy to see me and it was nice to have that kind of obvious love. Maybe it's just a phase for him...maybe it would have happened anyway, but my weekly visits have definitely been fewer the last couple of months. I know my sister understands, but this may be the result of my partial avoidance of children.

I'm trying to do what's best for me, to not be hard on myself, but I don't want my nephew to look at me like a stranger. I want to be someone he is not just comfortable with, but who he can count on to be around. The person he loves is my 'ideal' personality...the side of me that is struggling to stay dominant. I try to keep the dark passenger under control so that I can maintain some kind of normal in my life, so that I can be around those I hold dear. But the struggle gets so exhausting sometimes that I have to allow that side of me some face time. I have to stay away and let go of that fight.

I have my fists out swinging most of the time. More now than before, I can find the strength to keep up with the split identities. I know it's just a matter of time and persistence, but I don't want to lose anything else in the meantime.

I received the block ornaments I had made for M & A yesterday. They were adorable and I was so happy to see them. I went directly to my tree to find them a good spot out front. In the span of a few seconds, my dark passenger had appeared and I seriously considered throwing them across the room. I was so angry and upset that I had no babies to show them to. M & A will never see them. I don't even know what color eyes they would have had. Blue like their dad or green like me? And the ornaments should not say that they were born at 9 inches long and 11 ounces. They should be 6 pounds, 19 inches and the date on the block should be in February.

I was just so frustrated......so I cried. I let the injured side win. No one but my husband was around to see it and I had already made my ideal personality spend time with my pregnant sister that day. I was just too tired to fight with my split selves, so I didn't.

Everyone says this is my new normal. But I don't want it to be. I want my dark passenger to leave me alone for a while, maybe forever. Unfortunately, I don't think she will ever really go away. I have a feeling... that if ever there were an event to split me into two people, it would be the passing of my babies. I have a suspicion that this new part of me is sticking around and that I will just have to discover a way to live with her. If this is indeed my 'new normal', I have to either be okay with the way things are now or I have to lead as often as possible with the ideal me.

Both sound very difficult.
This was not anything I imagined I would have to deal with. I always thought "if I could just get pregnant..." and now I am realizing that the road to a full term child is much longer than I anticipated. I never dreamed I would end up at war with myself, constantly torn in opposite directions.

Me vs. my dark passenger.

Every time I push her down deep, she pushes back with equal strength. It's like trying to shove a buoy under water. Just when you think you have it beat, it pops back up. In fact, I am exhausted even thinking about it.

I guess my halves will have to arm wrestle it out. The problem is, my ideal side hasn't lifted weights in a while, so I am not sure that would be a fair fight.

* the idea of a 'dark passenger' comes from the Showtime series DEXTER.

Their's is Worse

2011-11-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

There is something I think I need to clarify.

Our loss recently has been a huge hit. Yes, I feel devastated that after all our effort and the hope that we put into having children failed. I am very sad for Mike and I and that our chance to be parents has been taken away. All of this is a definite loss for us. It sucks.

But what I am most sad about...what I am most hurt over is not our loss but our babies' loss.

We can try again to become parents and possibly even make that happen with a new baby. Michael and Alena will not have the chance at a life here with us. It's their loss that has me in knots most of the time. It's the fact that they will not be able to become the people they were supposed to be - that they were deprived of possibly an amazing and fulfilling life. They don't get another chance like we do.

I look at other people's children and immediately wonder if M & A would have been anything like them. When I am around babies I don't always think about what I am missing out on, but what my twins are not experiencing.

Yes, I feel bad for us and that our dreams for them aren't going to come true, but more so that Michael and Alena aren't able to dream for themselves. (I know some of you will say that they are still living out their lives somewhere else, but this life is important too).

A lot of people note the pain and heartache of our loss and I will not deny that it's a major source of my grief. I did want to be a parent in February, but what I wanted more than that was to be a mom to M & A. Once I knew them, they were my dream...not just being a parent in general. Another baby will not take their place, nor will it make everything okay. It doesn't mean I won't try for that next baby or that I won't love them separately - it just means that my twins should have been able to create a meaningful and amazing life and it's that fact which has my heart breaking.

I would have loved to see them grow and become their own little people. I would have loved to have been able to kiss their cheeks and that is a great loss for us.

Loss is hard to separate out, but the one thing I have been able to see more clearly is that the particular losses I feel are for different things. And the one that seems most unbearable is the knowledge of what my babies lost. I miss them and who they could have been, not simply missing my lack of children.

I can't change what happened and I can't bring them back for a second chance. I have to accept that and find a way to be okay with it. And I have to find a way to be okay with pursuing my dreams of parenthood when Michael and Alena can't fulfill their earthly ones.

What was taken away from them has me spitting mad I have no one to blame. I am not supposed to blame God, or myself, or the doctors, so I flounder around with the fact that life and the universe screwed us all. I won't reiterate past blog posts, so I will just say that pain comes in from different sources and for many reasons. Pain and loss coming from one place can be crippling, while the pain from another source can be manageable.

Somehow I will cope with what I've been dealt, because I know that I still have my life and I still have a chance to be a mom. It's the pain of M & A's loss that I find so hard to get over.

Other children are out living their lives and are able to dream, and hope, and achieve...while mine can't. That is why being around those kids is challenging for me. I can see clearly what Michael and Alena will miss out on. What we will miss out on, in being their parents.

I tell them I am sorry all the time. That I love them and I am sorry, because I have no way to make it better for them. Moms want to make everything better and I can't.

I saw another rainbow on Friday and the magic of them (and obviously the science behind them), had me amazed. I have seen more lately than ever and it makes me feel good to think that maybe they can hear me. So with that hope, I keep sending up love and "I'm sorry's", praying that it's enough.

And Now...A Song

2011-11-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

This is a new music video for the song 'A Thousand Years'. It's part of the Twilight Breaking Dawn soundtrack. Although it's meant as a love song for the two main characters - the words meant something different for me.

I thought it was not only beautiful, but the lyrics had me tearing up.

I felt like they were the words that have been in my head since I started this journey to become a parent. They are what I would say to Michael and Alena and to the baby that will hopefully come to us in the future.

Please excuse the ad at the beginning, you should be able to click the x to make it go away . Please take a listen and send a warm thought to our angel twins.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

(Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

(Pre-chorus)
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

A Letter

2011-11-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

A Letter to my Babies – *spoken into a recorder during the first trimester, to be included in Michael and Alena's baby book. I was finally able to write it down and decided they should still have it even though they are gone.*

Hello my little nuggets, it’s your mommy.

You are only about 9 weeks and 2 days now. You are no bigger than the size of a grape. A grape with a heart beat - which is amazing because you have arms, legs, feet and toes already. You have everything that’s important.

It’s still a little bit crazy for me to believe this is even real, because right now I am not showing and you are so tiny. You feel like more of an idea than a reality for me…but I’ve seen you. It amazes me every time. And a small part of me wondered if I would ever have the chance to see you, yet there you are!

Your daddy and I love you already. We’ve known you were with us from the very beginning – in fact, we picked you out. You were the two little embryos that fought the hardest to thrive and grow. We knew you were strong and determined and that you would fight to stay with us…and we were right.

We are so excited and so proud of you already. It’s strange to be this proud of someone you haven’t even met. You fought to be part of our family until you were big enough to be put back where you belong. You made it possible for me to experience what it was like to create another human. Even though you are growing alongside each other, I know you will be completely unique and individual.

I think this pregnancy will be a very interesting and exciting road for us and I am positive you are going to be good friends. Maybe not right away. :) You might fight and have to learn to share or maybe grow-up with the same friends. You may have to be in the same classes or may like the same guys (or girls), in which case I hope you are a boy and a girl so we have a few less ‘situations’ during your teenage years.

Either way, I know you are going to be friends and that you will love each other. You will be grateful one day that you have each other even if it’s hard sometimes. Because I know what it’s like to be at odds with your sibling for a period of your life and also how close you can become later when you come to realize how important family is. You may not know that for a while and it may take some time to grasp the notion that family is the most important and wonderful thing you have. My sister and I are different in a lot of ways and we didn’t always see eye to eye, but now we are best friends. I only have one sibling, as it’s possible you might…but we love each other and want to see each other all the time. We make each other laugh and understand each other, which is very special because there may not be that many people in your life to truly ‘get you’ in every way. The one thing I always wished for my own children is that they have a sibling, so they could possibly experience what I have. I know I would be much lonelier if it were just me.

So just a little advice from your mom; don’t take any of it for granted. Appreciate the family who love you and the friends who stay loyal and are there for you through everything. These are people who will see you at your worst and will still love you no matter what.

Since you are no bigger than my thumb, I will save some of the advice for when you are born.

I also wanted to thank you for sticking it out with me and believing in me: believing I will take care of you and protect you and give you whatever you need. I will do my best to take care of you while you are with me and make the best decisions I can make since I am who you have right now. As much as your dad loves you there is not much he can do to help you grow and stay safe. That’s up to me for these few months. I’ll do my best to give you every possibility, every advantage, before you are born into the world.

In fact, you both are really helping me do that. You are giving me the best gift, not just by being here and surviving, but also by making this journey incredible from the very beginning. So far I haven’t had a day of sickness and that is something to be happy about. You have been so good to me in the symptom department and I am thankful. I can sit out on a warm day and enjoy the sun without feeling nauseated or go about my day at work without worrying about the proximity of a bathroom. So far, there has been no bleeding or anything to make me overly worry about you. So far, you’ve made this pregnancy very enjoyable – something I didn’t necessarily anticipate. After all the pain and difficulty it took to get you here, I am so grateful that I can feel good right now and that I am able to enjoy the small changes in my body as you grow. I am able to spend valuable time with our friends before you grace us with your presence and I can get out and enjoy our short summer weather. Some women are sick for much of their pregnancy or are put on bed rest and can’t fully enjoy this beautiful phase of motherhood.

Even through this wonder of a pregnancy, I worry about you. I worry that I am not sick and think that maybe I should be since that is what seems normal. But mostly I feel lucky. Lucky because I’m not sick and because a lot of women haven’t been given the gift that I’ve been given. There are couples who are still struggling to create a baby (let alone two) and I know how they feel. We gave it everything we had and came out on the other side with our biggest wish granted.

We have a family that gave us the support we needed and every advantage that they could. One day you will see how lucky you are, to not only have two determined and stubborn parents who wouldn’t give up, but to also have three loving grandparents. You have three grandparents who have given everything they could to make you part of our family and who have been waiting patiently to meet you.

You have three aunts who will dote on you and be around to help raise you. You’ll have cousins to play with and a lot of ‘adopted’ aunts and uncles who are so eager to get to know you. You have so many loving and wonderful people in your life already and we are lucky to have such a great support system. These are all people who have been with your dad and me from the beginning and know how much we wanted you and how long we waited for you.

We’ve been rooting for you from the time you were little clusters of cells – my sweet twinnies. And now you are growing (with amazing speed) into two babies. You were exactly what we wanted and I am so happy to have gotten to this point. I am so grateful to be able to get to know you from the inside out.

I know there may be challenges to come and that carrying both of you could be difficult down the road. There could be many things to worry about in this double pregnancy, but I will try to stay calm and provide you with the least amount of stress possible. I’ll send you good thoughts, surround you with as much love as I can and hopefully it will be enough to bring you out safely.

Your dad and I will be working to make sure that your childhood will be a happy, secure one and even if there are challenges we have to face as a family, I know that we’ll get through it together.

This is going to be quite a journey and you are incredibly loved already. I can’t see much of you yet, but I can feel you. I can feel your presence and hear your heartbeats, strong and fast. And I am patiently waiting for the day that I will get to see your faces and hear you cry. I am excited to hold you and call you by your names.

You have a doggie to play with and vacations to look forward to. You have a cousin who you can learn from and a new house where we’ll snuggle each night.

I know how strong you are and how hard you worked to make it to us…and I’m confident that with all of us working together, we’ll be a family by March. Although I am also confident that you will be ready for us before then and make your appearance as February babies.

Someday you will know what it took to get you here, someday I will tell you about this unbelievable process. There are a lot of people in our lives who still don’t know the path we took for you and many who don’t even know about you yet. That will come in a few more weeks and I am so excited to tell them! I know my life will change completely, but I am so ready. We’ve been waiting for you my darling babies!

I’ve taken advantage and enjoyed our time as a single couple, but now that you are really here…really on your way to see us…I am on the edge of my seat. Take your time now! Don’t rush yourselves, but know that we are so very happy that you found your way to us. You have such love waiting for you.

Some people take their children for granted and don’t appreciate their blessing. They don’t know what it would be like if they couldn’t have it. And as hard as this journey has been, it’s made us see with more clarity. In turn, we will see you and what you mean more clearly.

I look forward to every ultrasound appointment and every milestone we reach. Getting to see you grow from a speck on the monitor to an infant will be such a moving experience and I will have pictures and videos of it all. These are things you too will get to see someday.

You are already, as the size of two grapes, draining my energy and making me oh so sleepy. But I am happy. You mean so much to us.

Thank you for making me a mom.

I love you my little ones.

Saying Goodbye

2011-10-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday, October 29th, we had a memorial for Michael and Alena.

My husband and I, along with a few family members, decided to take our chances and hike up to Mirror Lake to say goodbye to our babies. We chose a lake in the mountains that we frequent almost every summer so that we could visit (almost) whenever we want. It's serene, crystal clear, and surrounded by trees.

We knew there was a great chance that it would rain and rain hard. It is Washington in the fall after all. But honestly, our time was running out. It could be snowing in the mountains soon and if we were made to wait until next summer, after the snow melts, I may not be able or willing to hike at all. I am hoping to be pregnant again by then and I won't take any chances. So with all of this in mind, we knew we had to try.

My mom, along with Mike's parents, sister and brother-in-law came with us for support. Luckily, we chose a spot that didn't require you to be an expert hiker because I am still on the mend and couldn't have done anything too strenuous.

On the way there, I saw a rainbow. It made me feel like this was the right thing to do and the right time. It was a sign from the world that things would be okay.

Once we arrived at the lake and I took a little while to ready myself, we prepared the babies for their new home. I held them, sent them my love, and said my goodbyes. Mike's father did a reading and then my husband read something he had written for the occasion. It was beautiful and heartbreaking and I was proud of him for having the courage to make himself that vulnerable. I certainly couldn't have made it through something like that, and I am the writer between us.

There was a lot of crying on my part and Mike had to be the one to spread their ashes in the lake. It was the one thing I was having too hard a time coming to grips with, so I sat beside him while he did the task. Afterward - we sent two red roses and two floating candles into the lake with them. The candles stayed lit longer than we expected them to.

Leaving them there was the hardest thing I did that day. It took everything I had to turn my back and walk away. It felt like I was leaving them there alone and I hated it. People kept telling me I would see them again soon and that we would be back, but that was not enough in my mind. I didn't want to come back to 'see' them that way. I wanted to be bringing my children there in the baby carriers we bought and for them to be spending time at the lake in our arms, not living there. I wanted them alive and safe.

Somehow I managed to turn away, and on the way back, the skies cleared and the sun came out. Again, a sign from the universe that they were where they needed to be and that I would be okay. I spent the rest of the hike back enjoying the sun on my face and mopping up silent tears. I already missed them so much.

Now I have mixed feelings about their ashes being gone.

I am sad because now I feel more empty than before, with few living memories to hold on to and now their bodies were gone as well. It was a comfort to be able to talk to them and spend time with them and I won't have that ability anymore.

But I am glad, because having them in the house with us made a harsh reality of the fact that they were no longer living inside me. They were dead. It may have made it harder to move on if I could see the physical evidence of their loss every day.

I am torn in two directions and it's hard to bring myself to the middle.

Nights are the worst. It's always been the time when I think about my day and everything else in my head. I get so tired in early evening, just waiting for a reasonable time to go to bed and then I can't sleep. I have always had a hard time turning my brain off and now is no exception. I go through all the stages of grief in a matter of an hour and it's exhausting and draining. And I know I will have to do it again the next night.

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of feeling down. I just want one whole day where I can block it all out and enjoy myself. One day to be happy like I was before. And I do try to be happy...but it always comes back - the loss and the sadness. I know it's to be expected, but I just want to be normal again. It seems like I am the only one who can't just 'turn it off' when I want. Maybe it's the hormones or the body changes or the simple fact that I had been carrying them with me every day for 20 weeks.

But it's just so frustrating that I have to feel the loss ALL the time, while others can laugh and talk about sports and move past sad feelings whenever they put their mind to it. I know some people can't see the point in dwelling and try to go back to normal... or maybe they just want to portray strength around me to hold me up. I get it, but HOW do they do it? I can't just turn it off or forget. I can get through a work day or other busy work if I engross myself, but it only lasts for short periods of time. I'm just tired of being like this.

I went a little off topic, but hey, that's the way my brain works right now. It's a bit of a mess.

I will leave you with a few pictures my mom took from the lake-side memorial. If only the sun had come out a few minutes earlier, the lake would have been a sight to see.

I also wanted to thank you all profusely for all the comments, love, and support you have shown in the last two weeks. It helps so much to know that I am surrounded by such wonderful people.

Crazy Town

2011-10-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream.

None of it seems real, like I was never never pregnant at all. Like my babies never existed.

And other times...I feel like I am still pregnant and the labor and death never happened.

The first week all I knew was my loss. My only reality was that my son and daughter were gone and I was without children again.

Now? I feel a numbness and a sense that I was only dreaming. It is such a strong feeling. I forget sometimes and think that maybe it never really happened.

And then I absently put my hands on my tummy or look down and realize with a sharp pain, that my belly is gone. I am thrown back into a reality that I could never imagine, let alone understand. The life I saw and felt only 12 days ago has vanished.

Was I ever pregnant with two babies?

That confusion doesn't last long however. There are signs of them everywhere. Signs that I have refused to eradicate. I won't pretend that they didn't exist or that I wasn't anticipating them with all the joy a mother could conjure. I won't erase them.

But this also means that as soon as I start to exist in a moment without the pain of their loss, I am reminded that they are really gone. That they were real and at one point thriving.

There are the flowers, candles and sympathy cards. There is the pile of baby items we collected recently stored in the garage. Their footprints and stuffed bears (that our nurse gave us) are sitting in the living room. I have a pile of ultrasounds in the guest room to be put into a memory book (as soon as I get up the courage). When I walk up the stairs, the first thing my eyes move to is the half put together nursery. And of course, the babies' ashes are usually nearby because I can't stand for them to be alone.

And those are all the things that remind me - at home - that they are gone. When I am out, my body reminds me. The cramps, the blood, the sore boobs, and the pants that no longer fit me. When my body fails to remind me, I have the teller at the bank or someone at work who is out of the loop.

I try to forget when I can. But then, I feel so guilty. We will talk about guilt another day as it's a big, long topic I can't get into now.

I think to myself at least daily...'why couldn't this have happened earlier?' Why couldn't I have miscarried at 15 weeks before I celebrated at my gender reveal party? Why couldn't I have lost them when I bled and had to go to the emergency room at 12 weeks? Why couldn't I have said goodbye to my twins at 7 weeks instead of seeing their heartbeats? What was I supposed to learn from all of this?

Not for one second did I take them for granted. I loved them the moment I saw them as a mass of cells. I wanted them before I even started trying to conceive. I waited and waited for Michael and Alena to find me.

Instead of miscarrying early in my pregnancy, I was given time to grow attached to them and get to know them. My body decided to wait until they were big enough to be delivered to take them away.

And now I am stuck in this surreal limbo. One moment I think I am still mid-fertility treatments and haven't gotten that positive test yet, and the next I think I am still pregnant.

I feel a little nuts honestly.

It's a disorienting place to be when you don't know what is real and what isn't. Granted it's only for small amounts of time, but boy does it throw me wildly from one emotion to the next.

I know that this is all part of the grieving thing and it will feel less dramatic as time goes on. I know that reality will always return to stare me in the face.

But I hate when it finds me, because it's so much easier to dream that they are still with us.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

2011-10-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that I would be joining the millions of grieving parents on today of all days?

I don't have much energy to put into today, but as I have only been without my children for 3 days, I will most heavily be remembering them.

Please join me in lighting a candle this evening for Michael and Alena. I only held them in my arms for a short time, but they have forever made an impact on our lives.

Hugs and kisses to you angels,

mommy and daddy

Our Angels

2011-10-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's time - our children were born at 20 weeks gestation.

In memory

Michael and Alena S.

born October 12th 2011

at 12:53 and 12:57 pm.

Michael died during birth and Alena died around 1:14pm.

Rest in peace angels. We love you.

On My Mind

2011-09-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Favorite song of the year so far: Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

A very powerful song, sung by a very talented artist...

The thing the teen in me is longing for most: Breaking Dawn pt. 1

(new trailer)

The show I look forward to the most next month: Dexter

Something that made me really sad this year : the death of Andy Whitfield (AKA: Sparticus)

What I think about most these days: our babies!

There you are - just a few things to chime in on since I'm lazy. But really, I am too tired to do much more right now. :)

Alive and Smiling!

2011-09-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time.

I don't know if I'll be posting a ton on this blog because life seems to have taken over, leaving me little time to write.

BUT...

Since I have said nothing on here at all in the last 2+ months I figured I should at least get this out.

We are 16 weeks pregnant with twins!

We are very excited and trying to slowly get prepared for two little ones in February.

Let me introduce you to the Schillinger twins!

and before you ask...

And on top of this amazing news... I felt the little girl kick/poke/nudge me this evening for the first time. It was the best thing in the world.

Sweet Addictions

2011-07-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have a few guilty pleasures in life. I won't explain my way out of it or justify myself. It just is.

I am listing them here in picture and video format. I'm throwing myself out there to the blogosphere and saying proudly that I have a few minor addictions. Accept it, I have.

Twilight
Seen here: Breaking Dawn trailer

America's Next Top Model

Nerds

Harry Potter
Seen here: The Deathly Hallows Part 2 trailer

Richelle Mead - Fantasy writer

Pedicures

Jack in the Box

Glee

Josh Groban

Karaoke

Lady Gaga

Cruises

I could keep going, but I think I'll stop here.

What are your guilty pleasures?

Wee Bit Wednesday

2011-06-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I suck at keeping up my blog. It's been like three weeks. But honestly, I have been SO busy and hating all the time my face is stuck in front of a computer. So for my 1st post I am going to be simple and let you know a few tid-bits about myself and mooch off of some other people's idea.

Here we go!

{one} how many times have you been a bridesmaid/maid of honor?

Umm...4 I think.

{two} what’s the last thing you do before you fall asleep at night?

I take Charlie potty and watch a little HGTV (House Hunters).

{three} you just won your dream vacation, all expenses paid. where are you going?

Like so many others, I would probably tour southern Europe (Turkey, Greece, Italy) or hop a plane to New Zealand.

{four} what is your favorite outdoor activity?

I like to take walks or swim if it's warm enough.

{five} as a child, what did you want to be "when you grew up"? did you end up there?

Oh I wanted to do so many things. First I wanted to be a farmer apparently, then an actress, then a teacher, and finally - a wedding planner. None of those things really panned out, but it could still happen...maybe.

{six} what are 3 things your dream home would have that you don’t currently have?

A wrap-around porch, a media/movie room, and a jetted tub.

{seven} what’s for dinner tonight?

Hmm..good question. Maybe I'll make breakfast - an omelet?

{eight} if someone stopped by your house unannounced on a typical Saturday night, what would they find you doing?

Watching a movie with a friend or the hubby, maybe playing Rock Band.

{nine} what’s your average monthly water bill?

About $41 - I know it's cheap (for now).

{ten} what do you do to relax?

Read, walk Charlie, watch the boob tube, or visit with a friend.

There will be some good updates for you all soon. I have a back-log of posts I need to get to, so stay tuned.

Happy Wednesday!

What's Up?!

2011-05-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

What's been up with me you ask?

In a few words... and graded.

The book I just finished reading and liked quite a lot!

Grade: B+

And for comparison I also went out and saw the movie.

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz.

Grade: B-

Synopsis courtesy of IMDB

"When Jacob Jankowski, recently orphaned and suddenly adrift, jumps onto a passing train, he enters a world of freaks, drifters, and misfits, a second-rate circus struggling to survive during the Great Depression, making one-night stands in town after endless town. A veterinary student who almost earned his degree, Jacob is put in charge of caring for the circus menagerie. It is there that he meets Marlena, the beautiful young star of the equestrian act, who is married to August, the charismatic but twisted animal trainer. He also meets Rosie, an elephant who seems untrainable until he discovers a way to reach her. Water for Elephants is illuminated by a wonderful sense of time and place. It tells a story of a love between two people that overcomes incredible odds in a world in which even love is a luxury that few can afford."

What I am watching!

Glee - season 2

Grade: B+

What I am stressing over!

The Maple Valley House

Grade: D

We are still on track for buying it, but boy are the seller and escrow company complete crap. The closing has been put off until mid- June.

What I am looking forward to!

Playa Del Carmen, Mexico

Grade: A

By the time you read this I will be on a plane.

See you all when I get back!

Matched

2011-05-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

*Book Review*

I recently finished an audio book by Ally Condie. It was written for teens, but since I've been accustomed to young adult fiction as of late, I decided to give it a try.

I spend enough time in my car during the week that a new audio book could only help pass the time.

In Cassia Reyes’s world, everything is designed for living an optimum life. People eat specially prepared healthy food full of vitamins and minerals. Their physical and mental status is monitored to make sure they are functioning at their finest. They die on their 80th birthday, the best possible age that allows a fulfilling life without deterioration from being too old. And, if they want to get married at twenty-one and have children before the most favorable cut off age, they’ll need to be Matched to their best genetic option at seventeen.

The story starts out with Cassia heading to her Matching ceremony, excited to see the man she is destined to be Matched with. But imagine her surprise when she gets paired to her longtime childhood friend, Xander, which is almost unheard of. She’s given a disk of information about him to view, like all the Matched, and even though she knows pretty much everything about Xander, she decides to watch it. Xander’s face appears on the screen, but after a few seconds it disappears, to be replaced with another boy’s face. A boy she also knows, named Ky Markham. What does it mean? Who can she talk to about this? And why, even though Xander is her true match, does she find her thoughts continuously drifting back to Ky?

One of the major themes that I loved was about freedom of choice. In this world, everything is decided for you, eliminating most of the dangers that caused humans stress and early death prior to this shift in society. And throughout the book, the author writes this life in such a way that you can definitely see the perks to some of them. I mean, who wouldn’t want the option of being able to have your ideal mate, both emotionally and genetically, chosen for you? It’s definitely an intriguing thought. But even in that sentence, I state that which is never actually available to Cassie: option. If she wants to get married and have kids, then being Matched is her only choice. And as the story progresses we learn that maybe she doesn’t want to go gentle into that good night after all.

This book was well-written, complex, and interesting. The love triangle aspect was handled beautifully, and the development of Cassia’s desire for personal freedom was wonderful to watch. It will definitely have you thinking about choice and ultimately what is right for all of us.

What would you do if 'society' took over in making all the big decisions for you? What job you would have...who you would marry....how many children you could have...when you would die?

I have read books and watched movies that have tackled this idea and find it so intriguing! It takes me back to: The Gift, The Huger Games, Unwind, and The Island.

A pretty good listen/read for teens - and myself. :)

Gleeking Out

2011-05-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

I have to say - I have really been enjoying Glee.

But you know what? I knew I would. It's fun-tastic.

It takes me back to the days of high school where everything was the end of the world and you tried everything you could just to fit in.

The show covers a bunch of misfits who all join a glee club in order to find camaraderie, acceptance and a place to showcase their talents.

Looking back now, I really wish my high school had a show choir. I would have fit in perfectly! Singing and dancing? - heck yes!

This show is great for just about anyone looking to watch something with a little pizazz. Something that reminds you of the important things in life: being yourself, respecting yourself and others, tolerance and enjoying the little things in life.

And well...the music is fabulous. Just the right mixture of show tunes and pop music. I love their music mash-ups the best however - the way they take two different songs and mash them together to make it completely unique.

I am just now trying to catch-up with Season 2 on Hulu and came across two great mash-ups on the last episode I watched.

Here is one for your viewing pleasure! (don't worry, they aren't very long!)

"Don't Stop Believing"... because I love Journey.

I am formally considered a Gleek. But ya know what? I was already a Twi-hard so who could be that surprised?

Inspection Over

2011-04-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

Our home inspection was a success!

Well, mostly.

After waiting for the utility guys to get to the house, turn on the water, electricity, and gas, I spent a little time visiting a couple of friends that live out in the area. I had a little time to kill and wanted to make the most of it - even though I swore to myself I would finally spend more time on the book I've been slowly reading. I love reading and I just haven't had the time to do it lately. Obviously.

After that, I drove around the surrounding towns and tried to get acquainted with the local shopping and restaurants. There seemed to be just about everything I needed, except a Target. I am devastated. I love that store and even though there is one in the town where I currently live and will be working, I really hoped to have one near my new house. Oh well, can't have everything.

I arrived at the house right at 4pm and the Inspector and my agent were already raring to go. So off we went!

The inspection turned out to be about 3 hours and it was very informative. I kept a list of the things that would need to be done as soon as the purchase goes through (only 3 things) and a secondary list of the things that would need some work or would need to be purchased sooner than later.

Overall, the inspection went great. We'll need to throw a few hundred dollars into the place right away, but there were no real issues or major repairs. Our list was do-able.

After handing over a whopping $400 I was ready to call up my lender and tell him to proceed with the loan.

Now all I need to fret about is getting my down payment into my account this coming week. The money has been requested and I am hoping they will be able to process the request by mid-next week. After that...I guess I have to rely on my lender and the escrow company to get things done before our vacation next month.

I HATE relying on or waiting for other people. It stresses me out.

There are loads more details, but that's the short version.

I just need to keep my head straight for 3 more weeks. Then, off to Mexico I go - whether the house is settled or not.

Here's what I need!

Spark Arrestor - Chimney

Kitchen faucet replacement

Washer and dryer

cover to fix a cracked pipe

Those are the essentials. There is a long list of not-so-urgent needs, but that will come in time.

Let's Play Tag!

2011-04-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll! I was tagged to play a question and answer game, so here I am playing along. I'll be tagging a few peeps at the end so pay attention in case your name is called!

Here we go!

Food: Is this asking if I like food or if I have a favorite? I'll answer both. Yes, I LOVE food. And if someone were to put a gun to my head and asked what I wanted to eat most...I would say Thai food. It's delish! I guess the food item I like best is bread. All kinds - croissant, chibatta, french, sour dough, bagels, focaccia....(okay, I am getting a craving now).

Color: Hmmm...I like red, turquoise, and black. But not really together.

Animal: Dog.

Dessert: Foul Temptress! You know I have a wicked sweet tooth! I suppose that would be any kind of baked good. Cake, cookies, brownies...that kind of thing.

Artist: Honestly I don't really have a favorite. I am really random with what I like.

Pair of Shoes: I like flip flops and wedge sandals.
Outfit: I don't have a specific outfit, but I like brightly colored shirts and jeans. I have also taken to wearing scarves to accessorize.

Skinny Jeans: Not with this body type yo! The hips don't lie.

Brand: I guess Coach?

Perfume: Princess by Vera Wang, but I am silly and don't own it.

Accessory: My wedding ring.

City: New Orleans.

Hobby: Photography, blogging, movies, & reading.

Beauty Product: mascara/eye make-up.
Holiday: Christmas. Is that even fair really?

Snack: pretzels or trail mix

Movie: Wow, you really went there! I suppose that would be Moulin Rouge.

Song: This question is just wrong on so many levels. I'm just throwing a song out there that makes my butt shake....Right Round - Flo Rida.

Guilty Pleasure: Pedicures, Nerd candy, & competition reality shows.

Next up to be tagged is...drum roll please!

Nikki

Ashley

Leah

Maranda

Happy weekend everyone!

12 Years

2011-04-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

April 8th marks 12 years of happiness with the same man.

Michael and I will have been together 12 years - yes your math is correct - we were 16 & 18!

It's been one hell of a ride and one that makes me smile from ear to ear.

For our anniversary, we packed up our singing voices and headed out to the Snoqualmie Casino for a flash back to the 90's.

It was a time of young love, summer drives, and country music.

Yes people, country at it's best. Circa 1996-1999.

We've seen Diamond Rio a couple of other times and just love their style and harmonies. So, since they just might have been our first concert together (back in the day at the King County Fair) we decided it would be perfect to top off year number 12.

We had a blast, as did the largely inebriated casino crowd, and sang our little hearts out.

The video I am going to post is of their last song. My favorite song. And one that totally defined our love at the time. This video is in true early 90's form with overalls and mullets. It's classic and SO much fun.

Give it a listen and bop your head. Come on....I know you want to!

You were a good boyfriend my love. Thanks for 12 fun-filled years!

New Adventure

2011-04-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

It happened quickly.

We got a call on Friday night that a house we'd looked at dropped in price by about 60,000!

We had to decide THAT DAY if we wanted to place a bid on it. There was no negotiating or counters, only a single bid and we had no idea how many other offers there would be.

I was freaked out, but I knew the deal was too good to pass-up. This house would be gone fast!

We put in our bid and waited.

Saturday morning our agent called and said "Congratulations! Your bid was accepted!"

Holy crap! What?!

We got the house people.

If all goes as it's supposed to and the inspection passes, we'll be home owners in May!

For those of you who know the Seattle/Eastside area, we'd be moving to Maple Valley - Four Corners to be exact. It's about 25 minutes from where we live now and will be out a little farther than we envisioned, but it's perfectly acceptable.

I'm a little sad to be moving from my lovely Issaquah and my sister and nephew, but I know that this house will be worth it. It's got a hot tub for god's sake! Yeah, you heard me right...a hot tub.

The property needs some fixing up and the house could use some updating in the kitchen and bathrooms, but ya know, it's not a big thing right now. All in good time. Right now, we need to get us a washer and dryer! And a dining table. And living room furniture. And new locks. And paint.

That's really it though. Craig's List - here we come.

So without further adieu, here is what will most likely be our new residence -

Whoop Whoop!

Wish us luck!

What Does Your Map Look Like?

2011-03-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

I found this neat site where you can click off all the states you have been to and visualize it all in map form!

What I saw was a little surprising! I am missing a large number of states!

I feel like I have traveled all over the U.S., but apparently I have neglected a bunch in the middle and much of the east coast!

I did not count states where I might have had an airplane layover of some kind while traveling and there was no room for other parts of the globe.

If there were, I could proudly proclaim that I have been to multiple spots in Mexico, Belize, Canada, and the Caribbean.

I have always wanted a huge wall map of the world that I could post up over cork board. I think it would be interesting art to have a large map where I could pin point (with thumb tacks or pins) all the places that Mike and I have traveled. Maybe it would give us more motivation to see new places, instead of revisiting somewhere we have already been!

Someday this map will be displayed and when it is - I'll post a photo of it for you to check out.

Has anyone been to ALL of the states? That would be quite a feat!

If you want to post YOUR map or just see what it would look like you can visit this site!

This Is What Happens When I Don't Pay Attention

2011-03-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today I ate a big brownie!

Let me set the stage -

I was at work. I was juggling 8 different things and very distracted. My coworker pops her head into my office and asks if I want a brownie. I nod my head in what I hope seems like I am listening, but I'm not.

She holds the plate out and I grab one, eyes still on the computer screen. I mumble 'thank you' and without even stopping to think about what I am doing (it was close to lunch and I was already starving), I ate it.

I ate it in huge bites. That is until I realize that I am eating a large chocolate brownie. Then I exclaim "damn it!" and my other coworker looks at me like I am crazy.

It was too late. I had one bite left and had already consumed the majority of the calories, so I sighed and stuffed the last bite in my mouth.

(This was me, but staring at the computer)

I think I need to learn to do one thing at a time. I have always been a multi-tasker, but this time, my diet suffered because I couldn't take a second to think about what I was stuffing into my face.

Good job Alissa. Jeez!

Anyhow, I swapped my traditional lunch of a sandwich and fruit for a salad and made sure to add 30 minutes more to my gym time this evening. I did what I could.

As disappointed as I am that I mindlessly ate what was probably 300-500 calories, that brownie was DELICIOUS. Well at least the last bite was. I didn't really appreciate the first 6.

I'll update you as soon as I reach my next goal. I am hoping to lose another 2 lbs this week if I can keep the gym time strong and quit eating brownies.

But it's so hard! I love chocolate! Damn you sweet tooth!

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

2011-03-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday and I am out of ideas at the moment for a post, so I am getting back on the Scavenger Hunt band wagon. It's getting to be Spring and it was a decent day today...so...I broke out my dust-covered SLR camera!

I haven't been inspired at all this Winter and have had a lot on my plate. But I don't want to forget my trusty Canon as the weather turns and the flowers make their early appearance.

So today I hung out with my photographing family and went to the park to play with my nephew and the dogs!

Without further adieu, here is my entry for the scavenger hunt this week put on by Ramblings and Photos.

1. Camera Phone

Nothing Fancy here, just me with my messaging phone and my favorite Chihuahua Chupes! You can't really tell in the picture, but he looks very skeptical of me.

2. Camera

This is my momma using her new lens! I thought it was fitting that she be included in this scavenger hunt.
3. Shoes

Not my best work, but I use what I've got and my sister had the cutest shoes between us! Plus little Jeffie-pie is posing so that's a plus!

4. Chair

Bennett is checking out the hobby horse so why not use that for the chair?

5. Imperfection

This is the fence to the side of our house. It's falling apart and looking mighty sad, BUT it's got character. And we rent, so I am not replacing it. :)

*Want to join in? The rules are simple:

1. Anyone can participate.

2. You're encouraged to take five new photos this week for the challenge.

3. If you get stumped, you may use one photo from your archive (although I'm not too strict about it - I do my best to take fresh shots).

4. Link up here on Sunday (or Tuesday at the latest) - you can use the button above.

5. Leave comments for at least five entries around yours (we have so many new participants each week, this is the only way I know to be inclusive).

Have fun!

Here are a couple other photos I took of my sweet nephew Bennett. It's been months since I have attempted to get some shots of him. They are not the best pictures I've taken, but they sure are cute!

( I may have a case of the Monday's tomorrow...)

Music Monday - Keepin' It Real

2011-03-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

For today's post I thought I would link off of The Rustic Wolf and do a Music Monday tribute.

Today's amazing artist award goes to JESSIE J.

Mike and I heard this Brit's chops displayed on Saturday Night Live this past weekend and were both blown away.

She is an up-and-comer in the Pop/R&B genre and has her first album coming out next month. I have to also add that she writes her own music, because well, that's important to me and it's a sign of her dual talent.

She's got an interesting look about her that reminds me of a dark Camron Diaz.

Her style on the other hand shows the true makings of a Diva. A little Lady Gaga, a little Beyonce, with a mix of Katy Perry.

Jessie's voice on the other hand...unlike any of those women.

I would probably cross her with Amy Weinhouse, Christina Agulara, and Lily Allen as far as vocal sound goes, which is an awesome blend!

She's got all the makings for a huge star and I like her already. Even if you're not into her style, quirkiness, or music, you have to admit she has some GREAT pipes on her!

Check out the video I posted below to get yourself a taste of some Jessie J!

This song was one of my favorites and has a little blues/funk quality I love.
Enjoy!

Let's Play a Little Game

2011-03-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

...called "what's in your medicine cabinet".

I thought this would be a fun peek into the products I use on a regular basis!

So here we go!

Almay oil-free eye makeup remover!

I use this before bed to get the eyeshadow and eyeliner off. They work really well except on certain mascaras, which can smudge. I usually just use the shower to really get my mascara off completely.

Bio Silk - Silk Therapy

I was referred to this product by a good gal-pal of mine and I love it. It's a serum I use while my hair is damp to protect my poor little strands. You don't need much since it will leave your hair oily if you use too much, so it lasts a while. I usually let my hair dry naturally before I straighten it, but you can also style with a blowdryer.

These are to take the make-up and dirt off my face. I'll be honest, I don't like to wash my face that much and I mostly do it in the shower, so these are great when I need a fresh face or when I am feeling oily. It's easy to throw a few cleanser pads in a baggie too for travel or camping!

This is what I use for my deodorant. It works really well! I think I smell decent most of the time and I don't sweat as much as I do without it. It's a good buy and you don't really even have to reapply each morning (unless you shower).

Loreal Revitalift - Night

When I turned 30 I went out and bought my first anti-aging cream. I know I have a few years before I start really noticing anything, but I think the thing that marks youth the most is nice skin. And it can't hurt right?! I don't use it every night, but a few times a week in the evening. I especially use it on my forehead and around my eyes, where it's most dry and prone to wrinkles.

I can't say enough good things about Mary Kay Timewise - Microderm Abrasion.

I have used this for a few years now and it really leaves my face soft! The first step is to scrub your face with the Refine cream which has a grainy texture to remove dead skin cells. (I usually do this first part in the shower) After you wash and dry your face, you use the second bottle thingie as lotion. It makes your skin silky and acts as a Replenishing surface. If you have some money on hand, I would find some of this stuff online!

Mary Kay - Satin Lips

This stuff also works wonders. It comes in a microderm abrasion duo like the above product, but I only have the second part now. I used all the first tube! Help! Anyhow, it's great in keeping your smackers moisturized and soft.

No need to explain this one!

Skincerity!

Love this stuff! I did a trial a while back when someone I knew was selling it and it was so easy! I am a girl who thrives on 'easy' skin care and this fit the bill perfectly. Although a little pricey, it does the job. It's a clear night mask that you roll on before bed (after cleaning your face of dirt) and just peel the thin layer off in the morning. It works great to soften your skin, gradually remove redness, and eliminate blemishes. You'll start to see it working after a few days. I use it more when I have a break-out to make it last longer.

On to the Perfumes!

I have more than this, but these are the ones I use the most.

The first is Aquolina - Pink Sugar

You don't need much of this as it's very sweet, but I like me some sugar, so this is perfect! It makes me think of cookies and treats!

Escada - Pacific Paradise

This is my tropical, floral, fruity one!

Good ol' Standby! Dolce and Gabbana - Light Blue.

This one I use when I want to smell fresh and just a little bit citrusy.

And finally ~ Victoria's Secret - Succulent

This one is a nice smell of blackberry, vanilla and sandalwood. It's light too, more of a spray then a heavy perfume.

I have some others on my wish list, but they are pricey and given that I don't wear perfume that often, I haven't bothered to purchase them yet.

That's about it my friends! There are a couple of other small things I am leaving out, but they are not that essential to my daily existence so I chose not to add them.

If you would like to show us all what's in YOUR medicine cabinet, by all means! I would love to see what people are storing in there. I don't have a lick of actual medicine in my cabinet, that's all confined to a drawer.

And I don't know about you...but I have been known to stick my nose in other people's medicine cabinets! It's so interesting to see what is all hiding back there. And I think you can learn a lot about people, believe it or not! Don't judge me, I know you have done it before!

Cheers!

Vloggin' Vednesday - My Favorite Room

2011-03-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

I made the big decision to take to Vlogging. I thought "why not participate?" and went about taping my first ever Vlog. If you would like to tag along and want some more information, take a trip on over to A Sorta Fairytale and you can read all about it!

The first Vlog is up for viewing and I am happy to say does not require a shot of me! Whoo hoo!

Hope you enjoy and are not too bored by my un-exciting Favorite Room.

Risky Business - A Female Health Bulletin

2011-03-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

Tampons.

This may not be a popular subject with the male population, but it's important I express my worry in a public way. So if you are a male and reading this, be cautioned - you may want to desist in further reading (even though it could benefit someone you know).

I have been doing some reading lately. Reading on Tampons.

For a while I have wondered if they were safe for regular use.

All material suggests they are and all doctors will probably tell you the same. They are a widely used feminine product and the preferred method for most.

They are cleaner, more comfortable, and more portable than pads. And let's be honest, who likes the feeling of pads? Not I.

I have religiously used tampons since I can remember. I started using them young and although the idea was strange at first, I quickly got in line as someone who wanted to use them exclusively.

Pop a super plus tampon in and change it out after 8 hours. Done. (Of course adjusting the absorbency size according to flow).

* I told you men...this post will be TMI.

What I didn't start to wonder until recently, is whether any real testing has been done about the safety of tampon usage. Especially long term.

There has been little to none, FYI. This made me a little nervous.

I had always been warned against Toxic Shock Syndrome. I KNEW about TSS. It happened to women who left a tampon in too long, due to toxins in their systems. I was sort-of careful to remember this fact. Often not being as cautious as I probably should have.

As I looked into what tampons were made of, I started to get concerned.

Most women think they are simply cotton that absorbs their monthly flow. This is much too general an assumption and sometimes completely wrong.

Tampons are sometimes Cotton (if natural), but are most often made with Rayon, a man-made artificial fiber made up of wood pulp and Chlorine. This then gets bleached.

Should bleach be introduced willingly into our bodies?

Also of alarming nature, is the knowledge that Rayon includes harmful chemicals like Dioxin.

I got some information about Dioxin from the World Health Organization website.

"Dioxins are environmental pollutants. They have the dubious distinction of belonging to the “dirty dozen” - a group of dangerous chemicals known as persistent organic pollutants. Dioxins are of concern because of their highly toxic potential. Experiments have shown they affect a number of organs and systems. Once dioxins have entered the body, they endure a long time because of their chemical stability and their ability to be absorbed by fat tissue, where they are then stored in the body. Dioxins are highly toxic and can cause reproductive and developmental problems, damage the immune system, interfere with hormones and also cause cancer."

Umm....whaaat....?!

Granted that your levels of exposure to Dioxin my be less than what you are exposed to in the food you eat, but it's worrisome that as women, we are continuosly putting harmful chemicals into our bodies.

It's also known that tampons can cause minor tears in the vagina walls and cervix when inserting and extracting 'dry' tampons. I am referring to the days during your period where there is little flow and not much to soak the tampon. Usually these tears don't effect us much and heal quickly, but if we have a chemical laden tamon pressed snug against these lesions, couldn't this cause harmful exposure?

Come to think of it, why would we think it's safe to have anything thought to be toxic, up our valuable lady bits? Something to ponder....

On a whole separate level is the possibility that tampons can cause infertility.

Of the articles I have read - many suggest that tampons could be contributing to or even causing Endometriosis.

Endometriosis is one of the three main causes of infertility and effects millions, many of which don't know they have it. Simply put, Endo occurs when the uterine lining (the part that's shed during your period) begins growing on nearby organs such as the ovaries, fallopian tubes and bladder. Endo appears differently in each person and can cause zero pain to excruciating pain. When this lining sheds, as it all sheds during your period, the material has no where to go but your pelvic cavity. This causes scarring and fibroids to coat your organs.

When a case of Endometriosis is found (usually after you complain to your ob/gyn of discomfort), the only real treatment is surgery. Most often times the Endometrium is 'burnt' off, which leaves room for it to grow back. There is also a lesser performed excision surgery, where the doctor will attempt to cut it out. This has shown to slow the 'grow back' time and possibly eradicate it. Worst case scenario is that the scarring has taken over your reproductive organs and a hysterectomy is necessary.

This is the equivalent to castration in men.

For a woman to have to go through that at possibly an early age, before she's been able to have children, would be unimginable. And because the average age of diagnosis is 27 (prime reproductive age), many women are left without the abililty to have children. You can imagine a scarred uterus is not the best environment to attempt growing a fragile fetus.

There is still very little understood about Endometriosis and very little research being done to search for a concrete cause. As is the problem with other major infertililty diagnosis.

When you consider what tampons were made to do, it makes a reasonable case for infertility.

Tampons are blocking our exit. They are plugging up what is supposed to be leaving our bodies completely. Yes, they absorb some of that fluid, but probably not all of it. Some of the tissue, cells, and fluid gets backed up inside of our bodies.

So whether you believe Endo is caused by the chemicals in the tampon or by the tampon itself (or both), you have to at least aknowledge it isn't a natural practice.

This is not meant to scare you. Just to inform.

I wanted to bring this topic out in the open as it is officially Endometriosis Awareness Month and I have known women with this terrible and unspoken health issue.

The Endometriosis Foundation of America has some great information about Endo if you would like to read more.

What is the moral of the story you ask?

Think hard about what you are putting into your body. Whether it be supplements, food, or tampons. Do some research and find out what you are exposing yourself to.

I know one can't be afraid of everything in life, and I won't tell you that I am abandoning tampons myself, but I am doing my homework.

I am looking to invest in all natural, organic cotton tampons (minus bleach and Dioxin) and possibly pads too. I may switch to pads at night when I can't change tampons as often. In all honesty, I don't know what all I will do.

I do know that I have to consider the possibilities. And I have to at least push awareness in others, as someone else has done for me.

In no way am I saying that I know all of this to be facts. Endo could have many causes, including heredity. Tumors, hormone imbalances and infertility could be caused by many varying factors. There is still uncertainty about the long term effects of birth control.

All I know is that it's worth looking in to. It's something that perhaps won't be too difficult a change. I hope you are at least thinking seriously about the implications of continuous tampon use.

If you are, my job here is done.

Thanks for listening, if you've made it this far. And if you are a male...well done!

Oscar Madness

2011-02-28T10:06:00.000-08:00

There is only one thing I love more than sweets and treats...and that's movies.

I have to admit that I don't watch the Academy Awards every year. This year I did.

Mostly because I had seen a good deal of the films up for nominations this year and a little bit because it was Sunday and I had nothing better to do. Yes, I am lame.

I wanted to list out my favorite movies, nominees and red carpet fashion picks.

But first I need to make it clear that I didn't get to see all the films being presented, so my opinions could be different if I wasn't a bit biased to the ones I did see. I mean, I can't be slinging $10 left and right to see every movie out there just in case it could be Oscar worthy.

So here are the ones I WAS able to see this year -

The Social Network, Black Swan, Winter's Bone, The King's Speech, Inception, Toy Story 3, Tangled, The Kids Are All Right, How to Train Your Dragon, Alice in Wonderland, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Films that are on my Netflix Queue and was NOT able to see before the Oscars -

127 Hours, The Fighter, True Grit, Biutiful, The Town, Rabbit Hole, Blue Valentine, Country Strong, and The Tempest.

There were others nominated, but I wasn't too interested in seeing them.

My top pick for the year won: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director, and Original Screenplay.

My #1 was The King's Speech.

Colin Firth should have and did win for best actor, however the ever amazing Geoffrey Rush did not score the supporting role. I would have been more than happy had he won, instead of Christian Bale (for The Fighter), but unfortunately I didn't see The Fighter so I can't really make the call that Geoffrey was robbed. From the clips I saw, Christian Bale was in fine form.

Black Swan creeped me out and left me feeling a little uncomfortable, but I was not surprised that Natalie Portman was given the award. She did an amazing job in becoming an unhinged and obsessive ballerina. I was both riveted by the movie and disturbed.

The Social Network, Winter's Bone, The Kids Are All Right, and Toy Story were sort of in the middle of the pack for me. I thought there were so major highlights and performances, but they won't really stick with me as a whole.

My #2 was Inception.

This film won all of the most obvious awards: Sound Editing and Mixing, Visual Effects, and Cinematography. All were much deserved as this movie rocked my world this year. I had a 1999 Matrix moment after I saw this one.

My #3 pick was Tangled.

Yes, I am a 5 year old. I love most all Disney and Pixar and Tangled was a pure delight!

This one didn't win any awards this Oscar season, but it was nominated for Best Original Song sung by Mandy Moore. I look forward to adding it to my collection when it comes out on DVD.

My #4 (and last pick) was Alice In Wonderland.

This one won for Art Direction & Costume Design - rightly so.

This movie was not necessarily my favorite, but it had some amazing elements to it. The vivid colors, costumes, and visual effects were outstanding. One must also pay homage to Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter for their superb character acting. They really can transform into just about anybody.

OKAY! On to the fashion!

Here were the stand-outs to me - not all were Oscar nominees.

Anne Hathaway - stunning

Camila Alves - I want this dress

Celine Dion - classy

Gwyneth Paltrow - sleek and sexy

My not so favorite looks...

Jennifer Hudson - I don't like the orange on her or how her boobs look in this style.

Cate Blanchett - beautiful woman, amazing actress, ugly dress.

Michelle Williams - Bland and too old looking for her trendy hair and cute face.

Marisa Tomei - love the color and the A-line tulle, but the top was ill-fitting and wrong.

There you have it friends!

I would love to hear your favorites too... What did you think?

Tech-no

2011-02-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows that technology is taking over the world.

You see it every day.

5 year olds asking for a cell phone or laptop for Christmas...

People who are always 'ready to chat' on Facebook no matter the time of day or night...

Men and women sitting in their cars texting or reading their e-mail...

It's everywhere and it's gotten out of control.

Now, I like my cell phone and Netbook as much as the next gal, but it does not trump actual human interactions. I do not let the constant flow of information through technology interfere with my 'real life'.

I feel that there is a time and a place for everything. And most of what bothers me is directly related to others' lack of respect and courtesy.

We are SO connected to the net that people forget to give you 100% attention. It's all about multi-tasking for them and most of the time these people have no clue that they are neglecting the basics.

Person to person interaction.

For example: I was eating out with Mike and my mom the other night. We decided that our tummy's required Noodle Boat Thai cuisine. (And yes I am plugging the restaurant cause it's delish.) At the table next to us, four men sat waiting for their food to arrive. There were three teens/youngsters and one older man. They were all using their phones for either talking, texting, internet or games. All at the same time! I couldn't believe it. Instead of talking to each other (I don't think they were all from the same family), they were engrossed in whatever app. or online web page was most important to them.

This is just one example. I have MANY others!

One of my least favorite things is when someone you are talking to constantly texts or fiddles with their phone while you are trying to have a conversation. I can't tell you how many times I have had to repeat myself, because someone I was speaking to was on their phone distracted. It's aggravating.

I shouldn't have to tell someone at the movie theater to put their phone away after 20 minutes of texting (not that I would).

I shouldn't have to tell someone to pocket their cell phone in the middle of dinner or a trivia party.

And I should not have to take someone's phone away from them just to get their attention (Have I done this? Yes.)

It's about common courtesy people. It's about disconnecting yourself from the incessant stream of internet vomit to have a real conversation. It's about maintaining real relationships and connections.

I know that having internet on your phones is supposed to keep you more connected to people, but in reality it is only hurting us.

Just because you have e-mail and Facebook on your phone does not mean you should be checking it every 5 minutes.

I am not completely unreasonable about technology. I text a lot throughout the day, but it doesn't stop me from actually calling people.

And I find it perfectly okay if someone I am conversating with, asks me if they can take a call or return a text. As long as that person is being polite and keeping your feelings at the forefront, there is always room to make exceptions.

Texting during theater previews...fine.

Looking up information regarding what you are doing or where you are going...no problem.

There are always understandable situations, but don't take advantage.

I have not subscribed to the whole I-phone craze and I am not sure I ever will. Mike and I do not have internet on our phones and we don't need it. We both have computers at work and two at home so there is no real reason to spend more money to achieve 24/7 access.

I know that pretty soon it will be normal for everyone to be net-connected through their mobile devices, but I just don't think it's all that healthy.

Technology is making us more secluded and anti-social no matter how many 'friends' you have on Facebook. I know people will try to debate this point, but I have seen a trend in my own life and the lives of people around me.

I am not saying that it wouldn't be nice to be able to figure out who sings that darn song stuck in my head, while in line at the grocery store...

And it would be really helpful to have a GPS on my phone for when I am lost in Seattle.

But I give-up these things in order to avoid becoming "that girl".

No one should interrupt your conversation to talk to someone else. How crappy does that make you feel? To that person...you are now #2.

I am of course, not implying that I am above it all and have never become the rude person. I have been. It has become second nature to check text messages and respond, no matter the time or place. I have caught myself doing this many times. It's something you have to actively think about as you are doing it or better yet, before you do it.

And by the way, an apology or a "do you mind...?" goes a long way.

I am not telling you that you should sell your internet-ready phone or refrain from using it at all costs. I am just asking that, as a society, we make a more conscious effort to be polite when using our phones and put them away every once in a while.

You owe it to yourself and the people around you to stay an active participant in the physical world.

Has anyone seen The Net? - It's an old Sandra Bullock movie. It's makes you think.

P.S. If you are texting me please refrain from using abbreviations like U, R, 2 or 2-day, or any other half-ass word or phrase. I may forgive you for LOL, BRB, & BTW... but that's it! We are adults and should be using big-person language. If you write me with " R U going out 2 day?" I will call you a pubescent teen and refuse to reply. And if you are using those shortcuts in an e-mail to me, you may get a reply of "learn English you ass-hat!" Just for an example.

Valentine's Day With The Hubs

2011-02-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

Our Valentine's Day was pretty uneventful, as we both had to work...but it was still nice.

After I got home from work and running a couple errands, I got ready for my 1st Zumba class.

They have one of these aerobics classes twice a week at my local community center. I had seen the class before and was interested in trying it out.

It's a combination of different ethnic dances to complimentary music and was supposed to really burn those calories. Now I am all for doing exercise that is 'outside of the box' and will keep me entertained for an hour. With my dance background I thought that this class just might be for me.

Well after trying it for an evening I can tell you that I was not very impressed. It would probably be great for non-dancers or people who are uncoordinated and need something simple to learn. For me, it was boring. But it's more than that...because I can see the purpose of repetitive movement in fitness classes. I just didn't work-up that much of a sweat and I was probably moving more than most of the women in the class (who I have to add were all over 45-50). I liked that I wasn't dancing with a bunch of in shape 20 year olds, don't get me wrong! I just felt that the class was too easy for me.

Also, a major factor was that the instructors didn't seem to know the routines that well. Often times I found myself stepping in place until one of them figured out what same next in the sequence of moves. Other times, they would be doing different moves and I didn't know who to follow. I am not sure if they were the full time instructors, if they were filling in temporarily (since it was V-day), or if they were just struggling with remembering what was next. Either way, it was annoying to have people leading who seemed as clueless as I was.

The dances mostly consisted of different types of Latin dancing, belly dancing and Bollywood. All of which I thoroughly enjoy! I just think that this particular group is not for me.

Ah well! I did sign up for a fitness center pass so I can get back in the gym. And I will have a good time watching the classes dancing it up while I pump iron.

After the class I ran home to get some veggies a-cookin' and set up the sushi and wine for our Valentine's Day dinner. It was a quick fix since we had both just gotten home around 6:30 and were starving.

Mike brought me home some some pretty red roses and we exchanged cards. Simple but thoughtful. And after dinner was over we shared a cupcake, looked through our wedding memory box and a scrapbook I made us back in 2000. It's fun to pour over letters, e-mails, cards and photos from 10 years ago and see how far you have come as a couple.

(yes, that is us in the Wedding Expo magazine!)

From there we simply sat together and watched Dinner for Schmucks. I can't even describe this movie very well or how I feel about it. Some parts were hilarious, but the majority of it was painful. Steve Carell's character is SO weird and clingy. I just felt uncomfortable and annoyed a lot of the time. Mike seemed to be enjoying it, but I could barely sit through to the end.

Well that's all I got folks!

Our Valentines Day in a nutshell! I hope yours was at the very least relaxing.

Si Sara La Mia

2011-02-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well it's Valentine's Day and the best topic to discuss for today is L.O.V.E - & my hubby of course!

So in honor of my lovely (handsome) husband I will write a post completely about him. This is also a link-up to my sister's blog challenge You & Your Valentine.

1. How we met.

Michael and I met the first time through my sis Mandy. They were friends (in high school) and were at our house before a Tolo dance taking photos, as I was with my date/friend. Little did I know that HER date would end up being my husband! :)

The second time we met was during Track & Field practice where I realized that we were both competing in the Long Jump. We started talking and hanging out casually (I was getting over an ex) and just seemed to click. The more we hung out the more we liked hanging out and one thing led to another.

It was a little awkward at first since he was my sister's friend and I didn't want to be 'stealing' him away from her. But she was my friend as well and was sweet enough to understand and be happy for us.

This all happened in the Spring of 1999, my last few months of high school. He still had two years left. Yes, you heard that right - I am older and a cougar.

2. Our best date.

It's hard to choose one. And I don't really think it was a date so much as a trip.

We took a long weekend trip to the coast and stayed at Lake Quinault, spending time in the Rain Forest and exploring the seaside parks. It wasn't anything glamorous or exciting but we fit in some good quality time together. We had some good food, some good laughs and it was a relaxing trip for us both. There is even a video he made of the trip so we have it to look back on. We've taken quite a few trips in our time together, but this one was very memorable.

3. Proposal.

Mike proposed in New Orleans in April of 2005. We had been together for 6 years. I had earned a trip through work and everything was paid for. I took Mike with me and we absolutely fell in love with the city. It was SO much fun. I don't think the proposal was planned much, he just carried the ring around with him one day until the moment felt right.

We stopped by Pat O'Brians for their famous Hurricane drinks (which are very alcoholic by the way!), and chose a place out in the stone courtyard. It was around our anniversary so I wasn't surprised when mike gave me a gift - a little velvet bag of loose jewels/stones he had been collecting. (I had always said I wished I had a bag of jewels, like you would find in a treasure chest.) I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had my own bag of them!

In among the jewels was a ring. My engagement ring. Before I knew it, he was down on his knee asking me to marry him. A nearby couple stole our camera and managed to take a few pictures while the people surrounding us clapped. It was a afternoon to remember.

4. Our Wedding.

We got married a year later in May of 2006. There were about 120 guests and it was PERFECT. Okay, there were a couple small glitches, but all in all it was fabulous.

We had a Mardigras themed wedding (for obvious reasons) so there were lots of brightly colored feathers, masks & beads in place of flowers and candles. We were married in an old theater with New Orleans jazz music and Cajun food. I have never thrown a better party.

It was romantic, fun, and we had the best time. I only wish we had the funds to do it all over again. Maybe a renewal of vows is in order...in 5 more years... :)

5. Things I Love about my Husband.

-he always leaves the toilet seat down.

-he thinks its funny when I laugh so hard I cry.

-he likes to watch Rom-Coms with me.

-he is open and friendly and can be comfortable in any setting.

-he cooks for me.

-he thinks I am pretty no matter my lack of make-up or weight.

-he remains optimistic even when I have a hard time seeing the glass half full.

-he stuck out three years of long distance and remained loyal even through the hard times.

-he lets me sleep in on the weekends without bugging me a bit.

-he is protective of my feelings and how others treat me.

-he was supportive through my 'dad' issues.

-he will be a wonderful father someday. He will be playful, loving, and strict when he needs to be.

(at my sister's wedding)

6. To Michael -

I love you completely. I am so excited to be only months away from our 5 year anniversary. The last almost 12 years has been an amazing ride and I can't wait to see what else is in store for us. Thank you for being there for me and loving me unconditionally. We don't usually place much weight in Valentine's Day, but I do want to take this day's opportunity to make sure you are reminded of my love. To tell you that you mean a lot to me and I am lucky to have you. Thank you for being my partner in life and for choosing me. We may both be working today, but I am thinking of you and can't wait to give you a big Wifey hug. Being married to you is so much fun.

Yours lovingly, Liss

* The Title to this post means "Will you be mine?" in Italian. We both really love the language. ;)

Good Times And Good Friends

2011-02-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

I have been a slacker. Blogging has not been my priority lately, but I think it probably shouldn't be anyway.

I mean, we should all be trying to reach out to people in 'real life' before spending our evenings online right? I think so, thus less blog posts.

This past weekend, Mike and I had a few friends up from Vancouver, WA. They are close friends who we were really excited to see and spend time with. Yay for T, Pete, & Heidi!

Besides playing Rock Band and chatting with them, we also hosted a Wine, Cheese, & Trivia Party on Saturday night. And let me tell you, it was SO much fun! We ended up with about 20 people over to our little 2 bedroom duplex and everyone brought food and drink. Mike and I had a blast quizzing the 4 teams on topics that ranged from Entertainment and Pop Culture to Science and Literature.

A big shout out to the winning team Zombie Ninjas!

As amazing as it was, I have some ideas for our second W/C/T party. Hi-Jack someone else's house (for more space) and get a microphone. Boy it can get loud during trivia!

All in all, it was a great success and we definitely plan on doing it again soon.

In other news, we are going out to dinner to celebrate Mike Sr.'s retirement tomorrow evening! It's been anxiously awaited and it's finally here, so we are excited to be able to celebrate with his family. I believe Sushi is on the menu!

I think it's a perfect time to insert another 'food I am learning to love' - raw sushi. I will try a couple different kinds and see if I can adjust to the texture. I already eat my fair share of sushi (seared) and rolls but have a resistance to the uncooked kinds. Here's hoping to change that and that it goes better than the eggplant did!

Oh! And I also spent some girl time with Heidi shopping for a new Coach purse over at the outlet mall! We found a steal and each got a little something to croon over. I got a 'satchel' type purse that will be perfect for shopping, vacations, and well anytime I want my hands free basically. Heidi got an adorable lime and white handbag and wallet!

And all of this goodness was after I spent some time with my new hairdresser updating my color and getting a trim. She was fabulous and spent way more time on me than I paid for. I will definitely be going back! Thanks Taylor!

For now, that's all I've got!

Eggplant Had It's Chance - Now It's Banished

2011-02-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

Eggplant.

I can't do it.

I tried.

I baked it with bread crumbs, threw some tomatoes and Parmesan cheese on top and drizzled it with Italian dressing.

It's still a NO GO.

Sorry folks. I wanted to like it and had high hopes for this recipe, but the texture of the eggplant makes me want to throw up.

I had about 3 bites and I seriously thought I might be chewing snot. It was disgusting.

Well! I tried. I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to learn to like this vegetable. It didn't work, but I made the effort. And it's too bad really - it's such a pretty color!

So long eggplant! I will not miss you.

Word Verification Retaliation

2011-02-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

Okay Bloggies!

This whole Word Verification thing is driving me nuts!

You know what I am referring to (if you are a commenter). The thing where, after you are done composing your comment to someone's lovely post, it asks you to type a "word" to make sure you are human and not a hacker or computer spam.

Well I hate it.

I like leaving comments! I like letting people know I was there and enjoyed reading their post!

But I think twice every time, because it's too much work.

Yes, I realize that this is kinda lazy. I fully admit that I hate wasting the extra 30 seconds. And some of you may be rolling your eyes at me. It's okay, go ahead...

But if I may - could we all PLEASE turn that option off?! I am requesting that we trust that we won't get a large number of spam comments (and if you do, by all means, turn it back on).

Will you all join me in ending the Word Verification step in blog commenting?

If you love me or my blog enough to do this, here is how to get it done!

Under "settings" in your Dashboard (use the tabs at the top),
Go to "Comments"
And then scroll down to "Show word verification for comments" and set it to "NO".
Save.

That should do it.

I appreciate your cooperation in making the commenting process quicker and easier. Cause let's face it, every little annoyance adds up and this is an easy one to eliminate.

Thank you! I'm already breathing a sigh of relief.

(courtesy of Bing images)

To Hogwarts and Back Again

2011-01-31T17:20:00.000-08:00

I had a fun and productive weekend.

Except now my back is sore as all get out. Not sure when I injured it, but my upper back/neck is killing me. I remember it starting on Thursday or Friday...hmm....

Anyhow, on to better things!

Friday evening Mike and I decided to venture into Seattle, which we rarely do (rain, traffic, one way streets and yucky parking...) and picked up our tickets to the Harry Potter Exhibition. I had been wanting to go for a while and it seemed the perfect evening to indulge in the pricey tickets and parking.

It was pretty interactive with TV screens, music, staff acting the part, and a couple areas where you could play Quidditch or pull up a screaming Mandrake Root. There were artifacts from all 7 movies/books as well as actual outfits worn by the actors. None of which you can touch or take a photo of. Lame.

Since I wasn't able to take photos (people are watching you CLOSELY), I found a few on the net to post so you can see for yourself what a fun experience it is!

Now extended through February 13th!

Interestingly enough, I would suspect that based on my personality traits I would be sorted into the same house as, you guessed it, Cedric Diggory (aka Rob Pattinson). Although I am biased toward Gryffindor, since that is the house of Harry P and friends, I do not really feel particularly "brave" as you might need to be for that selection. Nor do I feel necessarily brainy (Ravenclaw) or cunning (Slytherin).

This picture shows the outfit/robes I was tempted (by my hubby) to try to touch. Not that I did! I am usually good at following rules but the nerdy temptation to touch the costumes worn by the actors was pretty compelling. I am sure I would have been escorted promptly out of the exhibit by two large guards if I had attempted such a feat.

Anyhow, that's that for the HP Exhibition!

Saturday Mike and I tackled the house and garage. This is one day I am proud to say we accomplished much and when I probably made my back worse.

Here is our list of finished chores: (you know I like lists!)

Painted the bathroom and dining room ceiling
Cleaned the bathroom
Organized and cleaned the garage
Organized and cleaned out our filing cabinet
Dishes
& Grocery shopping (at three different stores)!

Still some things to do, but I supposed that can wait until spring.

Sunday I spent with a good gal-pal Katie. We went to see Black Swan, which was mighty disturbing I might add, and grabbed some delicious Thai food. It was a fun and relaxing day that was just what the doctor ordered. Oh, and I need to also mention that we squeezed in a viewing of the movie Willow as well. We are the best movie buddies, she and I.

Well, there you have it!

1 Year Ago - For Bennett

2011-01-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

* This is a little something I wrote for my sister's blog and my nephew's baby book. She asked me to compose a blog/letter for his 1st birthday - something that he can read later in life. This is what I came up with...

Auntie. That’s what I became on January 26th 2010. At the time, I didn’t quite realize what that would mean to me or how my life would change. Maybe that sounds a little dramatic, but for me it was truly a turning point.

The thing is, for many years I was uncomfortable around children. I was even a little afraid that it translated into dislike. Having not been raised around kids or with any of my younger cousins, I had a hard time relating to them as I passed into adulthood.

When Mandy was pregnant I started getting excited about the prospect of a new family member. When little Bennett Roy was born, something inside me was profoundly altered. It was almost like a switch had been thrown - a light had been turned on.

The moment I was able to spend a few minutes with him, I started crying. I knew that I was utterly in love with him and my uncertainty disappeared. I had never before known the feeling of loving a child so completely.

I watched in awe as Bennett grew and thrived, as he curled his tiny fingers around my heart. He made me smile like I hadn’t smiled in a very long time. His toothless grin, all I needed to trust in my own future as a parent.

Being part of a small family has it’s advantages. It seems to make each individual all the more important. I feel that those people are not taken for granted as often, as might happen in a large family. You learn to appreciate and have the time to give each family member.

Lucky for me, my sister and brother-in-law live a mere 5 minutes away, giving me the opportunity to bond with my first and only nephew. It has been such a blessing to be able to see Bennett on a weekly basis. To not have to miss out on any of his milestones or hilarious tantrums.

I love that I am able to witness his developing sense of humor and quiet charm. That every time I come to visit, he smiles at me with a wide, knowing, 4 toothed grin. A grin that tells me he recognizes me as his family and as possibly someone he loves and trusts. I believe with all my heart that I can be that for him.

As Benny’s 1st birthday approaches, I know that his parents will long slightly for the times that were - the early months of his babyhood. Being the Auntie, I can only seem to look forward. I am excited to witness the next step in his young life and see what new discovery he makes.

At the early age of 1, Bennett has shown me how to live life and get the most out of it. He’s taught me to trust in myself and be confident in my ability to care for children. He’s made me happier just by existing and I think that is such a beautiful gift.

So for his birthday, I would like him to know how very much he means to me. I want to tell him that he will always be able to count on me. That he is a total joy in my life and I am lucky to be a part of his. He is my own personal sun, that both brings me energy and saps it away. But the warmth and light that follows him is worth everything.

I love you B.

Auntie Liss

The BIG #1!

2011-01-24T20:26:00.000-08:00

Saturday my family and I spent the afternoon celebrating my nephew Bennett's 1st birthday.

It was nice to be able to have a little party for him on the weekend when we have more time to spend hanging out. His real birthday isn't until Wednesday!

Honestly you don't do much for a 1 year olds birthday. We played with B, ate some pizza and cake and opened a few presents. Very low key, but a good time.

Bennett's aunt Nicole baked an amazing Mickey Mouse cake and Mandy and Philip did some decorating. I think the little tyke was a little overwhelmed having just woken from his afternoon nap, to find his whole family in his living room. :)

I am posting a few pics I stole from my sister and mom (since I saw no reason to bring my own camera and be yet another paparazzi). Hope you enjoy!

I will post my blog/letter for Bennett on Wednesday. It was something my sis wanted us to write for his 1st birthday. I figure it's a way for me to celebrate him on his special day.

Stay tuned!

3 Day Weekend-Palooza

2011-01-19T23:12:00.000-08:00

Well it's official! We are heading down to Playa Del Carmen in May. Just after our 5 year anniversary!

We booked the tickets and as the diet has already begun, I am hoping to be in at least some sort of presentable bathing suit state by then. I am a little scared of the idea of a swimming suit right now, but if all continues going well, it shouldn't be too big a deal. Fingers crossed!

In related news - Mike's parents have decided to join us! They had been looking to book a vacation and we had already done all the leg work, so it fit nicely! They made the decision in all of 20 minutes and before we knew it, they were coming too!

And get this - they will be celebrating 40 years of marriage! Holy crap! They have a whole 35 years on us! But it will be so nice to spend our anniversary trip with them.

Also, in news, Mike and I went and saw The King's Speech the other night. I had heard nothing but rave reviews and the theaters have been super slow this season, so I thought I would take in a movie I might normally wait to see on DVD.

Not to mention I love Colin Firth! Always have, always will.

The movie was awesome, in case you were wondering. The lead actors did a bang-up job in their roles and the movie, although slow, did not bore me. The story was intriguing and something I did not previously know about English history.

It was touching, moving, well acted, funny, and informative. Couldn't ask for more. I highly recommend seeing it when you get a chance.

I have yet to see Black Swan, which is the other must-see movie of the season. Hopefully I will get a chance soon!

Next On The Agenda

2011-01-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gents, I am currently eating oatmeal and liking it.

I found a way to enjoy it!

I get the maple brown sugar oatmeal, pour a little less water in than advised and mix it with some of my gluten free granola for some crunch. Blackberries or another fruit will top it off! YUM!

And I am also proud to announce that I believe that I have conquered pineapple as well. I keep eating it, making sure I am getting ripe pineapple and now...I think I like it!

I have to tell you that I am fairly proud of myself right now. My 'learning to love it' is working so far.

Next up is eggplant. Meh. I will be scouring the internet for some fabulous recipes and hopefully I will find a couple that look appetising.

Also, in news, I think that Michael and I might have found our next vacation! We've been talking about it for a while and have been trying to figure out what we can afford right now. My original idea was to hop on a cruise (that hits up Central America) for a week and spend a few days in the port of call, New Orleans. But the more I looked, the more I realized that this trip would end up costing $1000 more than a couple of the others I had mapped out.

How perfect would that have been? Going back to the city where we got engaged, for our 5 year anniversary...

ahh well.

I did find a good deal on a different place that we'd never been. Playa Del Carmen, Mexico!

I have wanted to go there for a while, but it was always just a little more expensive than going to say Cabo or Puerta Vallarta. But, this time I found a deal for 7 nights!

The best part is that it's close enough to travel about 30 miles (back toward the airport) and spend some time in Cancun (another place I have never been). Or we could hop a ferry from Playa Del Carmen and head over to the island of Cozumel for the day (which I have been to). There are some Mayan ruins a little south of Playa also that I know we will want to check out. Other than that, we will be beach bound on a beautiful aqua shore.

All that's left is to request time off, book the trip, and get in some kind of bikini shape (yikes)! Oh and maybe go tanning a bit before so as not to burn like a red-head. Cause I will.

When is this all taking place you might ask? Late May! Yes folks, I am avoiding Spring Break like the plague. I am old enough now that I don't want a gaggle of 18-21 year olds puking in the pool next to me or keeping me up until 4am. I want a nice relaxing, romantic vacation with my husband and maybe a few margaritas.

Be happy for me friends...I need this like I need food.

Food Challenge - Learning to love it

2011-01-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

I ate oatmeal this morning.

I know, this doesn't sound monumental, but in fact it is.

I hate oatmeal. Always have. The consistency is no bueno.

But, in my quest to become a healthier, shinier, thinner version of me...I ate it.

I may have gagged a bit. I may have thrown in some brown sugar and blackberries to help me out. But I ate it.

It goes along the same lines as the pineapple and soon-to-be eggplant. I don't care for either, but they are good for me and I need to learn to like it. It's the mature thing to do. It's the smart thing to do. And I like to think I am both mature and smart. Thus - oatmeal.

I know you are thinking "that's not so hard!", but I beg to differ.

Have you ever tried to deliberately eat things you don't like "just because"? It's not easy. But I know it's what's best.

I don't enjoy being a person who doesn't like things. Granted, I like a lot and I don't consider myself picky...but there are things I could like more and should like.

So as part of my new year’s diet, I will learn to like things. I will continue making and remaking those foods I dislike until I either grow accustomed to them or find a way to prepare them in a way I can enjoy.

So far, I have mostly grown to like or at least appreciate pineapple. I like how juicy it is and that it is sweet. I will have to continue eating it to feel confident in saying that I now enjoy it. I’ll let you know when the transformation happens.

Next on my list of foods to learn to love is: oatmeal (in progress), eggplant, soft tofu, raw sushi, mango, papaya and kiwi. If you happen to know of more things I am leaving off (that are healthy), let me know.

As for the rest of my diet, it’s going well. I've been eating lots of veggies, have limited my carbs and have cut out most all excess sugar. If the progress seems too slow in the coming weeks, I will tighten up my portions and maybe count my daily calories. This is not something I like doing, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. This extra flab needs a firm hand!

What's on tonight's menu you ask? Salmon, couscous, and broccoli. Sounds delish right?

I think so too.

Random Confessions

2011-01-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

Today I have deemed random confessions day!

Here are a few of mine.

I ate oatmeal this morning even though I hate it.

My hair is thinning and it makes me very sad.

I can still play the guitar a little even though I have barely touched it in like 6 years.

I have to change into my yoga pants when I get home in the evening.

I love photography but for some reason I have grown temporarily away from it. (maybe it's the weather?)

I would marry Edward Cullen if I could.

I often read more than one book at a time.

I hate running and anything that resembles running.

I believe that there are multiple people you can be compatible with, there is not one soul mate.

I think making movie trailers for a living would be heaven.

I overthink everything, afraid of making the wrong choice.

I can forgive almost anything.

I dream a lot about things I want to accomplish, but have a hard time taking that first step (thus the overthinking).

I am learning to like pineapple even though I never particularly cared for it before.

I hate disliking things, so I try to remedy that but changing my mind however I can.

I always wanted 3 kids.

I prefer one story homes.

I detest my legs and wish my genes would have granted me long, model ones instead.

I haven't really grown since the 7th grade.

I 'blossomed" early and it was really embarrasing for me.

I wear the same eyeshadow color 6 out of 7 days a week.

Okay! I think that's a good number of confessions for one day. Anyone else care to join in for the hell of it?!

Happy Saturday!

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

2011-01-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

This may be a silly thing to post, but I have had this stuck in my head all day and I think it's awesome. So I am spreading the love here in cyberspace.

The first video is a news story with a super ghetto interview. You need to watch it first! Then when you are done, watch the second video! So funny!

Really, it is.

LOL! Okay, now watch this!

That was priceless. Freakin' amazing.

So....what did you think?

Christmas Recap

2010-12-26T21:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve and Christmas day was a success!

The Husband and I spent Dec. 24th with my in-laws. They have an annual Christmas eve party with bountiful food and family. This year it was held at my sister-in-law's. There are plenty of uncles, cousins and immediate family who come baring a selection for the pot-luck and a secret Santa gift. This year, my mom also made an appearance! It's nice to be able to spend more time with her around the holidays. Since she is a nurse, it's not always in the cards for her to have Christmas weekend off. After plenty of chatter, treats, and Sangria, we made it home in time to collapse into bed.

Christmas day went off without a hitch and we spent the day driving between his parent's house and my mom's. The day was full of hugs and kisses and I think turned out pretty dang great.

I was able to see Bennett delight in his new toys and experience Christmas for the first time. He especially enjoyed hanging out in the huge box my mom had set up for him, complete with a window to look out of. Seeing his little face peek through that hole in the box was priceless.

I got a few things on my wish list and was able to restrain myself from eating too many treats (which I will be restraining far more in the very near future). Mike was sweet enough to get me my much anticipated Eclipse on Blue-Ray as well as leather gloves from Coach and a shirt from Banana Republic. Beyond the 'things', the day was very relaxing and full of smiles.

I have the best family!

Here are a few pics taken by my mom to summarize my time at home.

Goings On

2010-12-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I know, it's been a good while since I blogged. What can I say? I have been busy!

I wanted to take just a moment and update you!

Over the last couple of weeks I have been busy filling my time with both friends and Christmas decorating.

I went to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows for the 2nd time! Yes, I know I'm a dork. That was establised a long time ago. Thanks to Philip and Nichole for going with me!

I have been shopping and gathering Christmas presents...

I have been up late watching Christmas movies...

Michael, Sharon, Amy and I braved the passes and spent last Friday in Leavenworth! So pretty! Mike and Amy even managed to get in a little sledding with the kids.

We ate lots of good German Food.

And went shopping for our annual tree ornaments at Kris Kringle's.

Not the best photos, but you get the idea!

Next - My sis-in-law Amy and her hubby William had their annual Festivus (for the rest of us) Holiday party. This time with the extra special theme of Ugly Sweater! Charlie, our pup, filled in for us slackers.

And then, I had a special visit from my gal-pal Lindsi last Sunday where we drank wine, ate BBQ and watched New Moon and Eclipse. I have the best friends a girl could ask for!

I am sure there is a ton more, but those are the highlights! Coming up?

Lindsi's Holiday Snuggy Party

The Perfect Christmas Present

2010-12-06T11:16:00.000-08:00

This post is inspired by Nikki at Que sera sera!, who like me, has an infatuation with Robert Pattinson. Most of you know this about me. It is partially because I unwittingly fell for the Twilight series and therefore for Edward Cullen. And partially because, well, I have a thing for Brits.

So anyway, I got an e-mail from Michael the other day that both surprised me and made me laugh. Michael is well aware of my Pattinson crush and in fact...seems to support it. At least with good humor, which I appreciate.

This was the e-mail he sent:

Vampires for Christmas?!?‏

To Alissa Cook

From: guitarist24@hotmail.com
12/04/10

So, I figured out what to get you for Christmas...

He totally said he'd do it; I called his agent.

Yeah, he knows me well, and I appreciate that.

Maybe I act like a school girl when it comes to all things Twilight and Rob, maybe I swoon like a pre-teen at a Justin Beiber concert when Edward proposes to Bella, maybe I even made a "Team Edward" shirt to wear to the premier of New Moon...

but I have a supportive husband. One who knows I love him completely and is good natured enough to not only put up with my Robert Pattinson desktop wallpaper, but to send him to me for Christmas.

For me : this face + a British accent + plays the piano = YAY!

And of course - my husband is a "YAY" for me also.

Something Has To Be Done

2010-11-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else find piles of dirty socks in their living room?

This is what I come across on a daily/weekly basis.

That is our living room coffee table.

And below it, are about three pairs of dirty, stinky, husband socks.

Our house is small and our clothes hamper is maybe 25 feet away from the living room, yet here they lie.

On a consistent basis, I have to scoop socks from under the table and haul them back to the hamper because my lovely husband decides it's too far away to travel after a long day of work.

I find this habit disgusting. And of course, yes, I have talked to him about it. Has it changed? No.

I am not sure why he takes his socks off to begin with. It's like 30 degrees outside and we keep our house luke warm. Wouldn't you want to keep your socks on? Or at the very least go get some new socks?

And lastly, why, if you are going back to the computer room or our bedroom, wouldn't you take that pile of socks with you?

In my quest to find someone else with a "sock" debacle, I came across this blog and fell in love. I am attaching a post that has me breathing a sigh of relief that I am not the only one.

One of these days my husband is going to wake up covered in his own stinky sock pile. I don't know when this is going to happen, but something has to be done.

Tis' The Season

2010-11-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

Today I am Thankful.

I am thankful for so many things and so many people.

I'm thankful for my wonderful family. With them in my life, everything is better and brighter. My mom and my sister are my rocks and two of my most favorite people in the world.

Baby Bennett makes me smile like no one ever has and I couldn't love him more. I am also grateful for his daddy (my brother-in-law), who has become such a good friend and integral part of our family.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who is a constant source of love, support, joy, and entertainment.

I am grateful for my in-laws. They are such a great bunch of people and I couldn't have lucked out more.

I am thankful for my doggie Charlie. He's the best little Chihuahua and I love him to death.

I am grateful for friends who continue to care and make me laugh. It's wonderful to have people in your life who know you inside and out.

I am thankful for a cozy place to live and the means to do many of the things I want in life.

Tonight...I will be thankful for all of that and maybe a little thankful for Cheesecake too.

Photo Challenges: Scavenger Hunt & Thankful

2010-11-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

Today was SO pretty with the snow on the ground and the sun out! I was driving out around Issaquah today and stopped about every 100 feet or so to take a picture of one thing or another. Yes, I took my camera to work with me today. Here is what I came up with! Might as well include the shots in this week's scavenger hunt.

The View Above -

Something Hot -

Something Cold -

Electronic -

Sparkle -

Thanksgiving Photo Challenge - A Sorta Fairytale

I am thankful for so much. My family, my friends, Mike and I still having a job in this economy...but this week's photo will be of my pup Charlie. I am thankful for him because he is such a source of joy and love each and every day. Even when I have had a difficult day, he makes me feel better. So here's my entry for Thankful.

Fall, meet Winter!

2010-11-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

And so it begins - the first snow of the season.

It began early this morning and hasn't let up since. We've got between 3-4 inches now most likely and it sure doesn't bother me!

The leaves haven't even completely fallen from the tree out front and we've got snow piling up!

Charlie isn't having it.

He took 5 lightning-fast laps around the yard, marked the mailboxes, barked at a couple of cats,

and high-tailed it back inside. Any longer and I would have had to put him in his snow boots!

Many people dread when the snow hits, not me. I like the cozy feeling of a fire and hot chocolate, the look of fresh snow in the morning, and feeling the flakes hit my face as they fall. I'm not worried about driving (I try not to stress and take care to drive safely) and I am fairly certain I will be fine if I get stuck inside for a few days. My water, batteries, wood, & peanut butter are stocked!

So I will enjoy the snow for as long as it lasts, cause here in the northwest, that could mean it'll be gone tomorrow.

Food is good...when someone else makes it.

2010-11-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

I like the Holidays.

Mainly when I say Holidays, I mean Christmas. I love the lights and the spirit of this time of year, but honestly I am not that into Thanksgiving.

It's not that I am not thankful for what I have, it's just that it seems to be about food. I feel like everyone goes to a whole lot of trouble for a big meal and it's over in 20 minutes. And the clean-up...sheesh!

Most people who know me, know that I don't cook much. I can cook for the most part (if I have a recipe), I just don't care to. Cooking has just always been sort of a hassle to me.

I like baking and I am sure this has something to do with my love of sweets and bread....but I try not to eat too much of that type of thing. So, I don't bake much.

I love the idea of cooking and wish I liked it more, but I just don't. I find that I want to make something on occasion and that if it's basically prepared I will most definitely throw a meal in the oven.

I also really enjoy going out to dinner. It's sort of what I spend my entertainment money on. I don't buy myself expensive things, go out drinking or go shopping a lot, I just like to eat out. Everyone has their "thing" and that's mine. It seems to be Mike's as well, which works out great because I have someone to go out with.

I know that we could save a lot of money by eating in more often, but I have to have something that I really enjoy doing and can look forward to. Most of the time I save a lot by staying in on weekdays, so I think it probably balances out. Not to mention that I never have all the ingredients to cook, so I always end up going out to the grocery store and buying a bunch of food! If I spend $20 on groceries for my meal, isn't that just as expensive as going out? Except when I go out to eat, someone waits on me and I don't have to clean up afterward!

Thanksgiving is a great time to spend with family and I enjoy that the most, but it's a little overwhelming for someone who isn't that into cooking. And even though I am not much of a kitchen whiz, I still plan on having my very own little Thanksgiving one of these days. One where Mike and I spend it together learning to make everything ourselves. That would be interesting....what? I can't make stove-top stuffing? Yikes!

Maybe Mike and I should practice and have a "pretend" Thanksgiving, so when we do attempt it on the actual holiday, we don't end up with a full trash and eating pizza.

This is our usual contribution for Thanksgiving dinner!

No, we don't make it. It's a Costco request. :)

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

Charlie, Jeffrey,.......meet Sydney.

Double Whammy! Confessions.

2010-11-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

Two postings in one! Aren't you lucky?

1st Confession - I really and truly believe I am addicted to lists.

I was realizing the other day that I make lists for everything! I think I am addicted.
Everywhere I look around my house and especially my office is riddled with lists. I don't know if I feel like my memory is horrible or I just like the organization that comes with writing things down. Maybe both. For instance - in front of me right now are four lists. FOUR!
1. bills due this paycheck
2. passwords
3. books I want to buy and/or check out from the library
4. blog subjects

Oh my god. I just made those lists into a list! Sheesh!

You name the list, I probably have written it. I have lists for: groceries, X-mas gifts, songs to download, movies I loan out, errands to run, etc., etc.

I even just recently started a "What to pack for vacation" list. No, I don't have a vacation planned, but it would be nice to have something to print out for when I DO go on vacation next. I was talking to my mom about this around the time we went to San Francisco. We thought it would be a great idea to make a master list for packing so you wouldn't forget anything. Makes sense right? Right? ....No?

I won't even go into my list-mania going on in my office right now. You would commit me.

Even better than writing the list itself, is being able to cross items off. I think that is my true obsession. Being able to cross things off my list makes me unbelievably giddy. And I don't mentally cross off as I go - I need to slash a big, dark, pen line through each item. It just feels like accomplishment, a little pat on the back for a job well done.

I have to confess something else that it totally nuts.
Shhhh....I add things onto my list (that I didn't remember to add, but took care of) after the fact, just so I can cross it off! I know.

My favorite paper to use is post-its. The square ones. Unless it's a long list, then I need to type it. If I don't have paper...I write on the back of my left hand. And no, I don't cross off the items I wrote on my hand. That would be disturbing.

OKAY! We're really cookin' now!

2nd Confession - I am currently in love with Taylor Swift and Keith Urban. ( I know, nothing new)

I fell in love with T.S. when her second album came out. Then I was really excited when her 3rd came out in October. Speak Now is a really good junior album! Back to December is probably one of my favorites, but it's hard to pick! The best things I can say about her, are as follows (in list form):
1. she writes her own music. I really admire this (she's like 20!)
2. she puts a lot of songs on her albums so you get more for your money.
3. I can listen to the whole album, without wanting to skip songs.
4. she has her head on strait and treats herself with respect and dignity. She's a good role model for young women.
5. she's a proclaimed nerd and so am I. We would bond.
6. Ellen scared T.S. on her show and her tall ass fell over! Hilarious.

As for Keith? I F'in love him. I have been to at least two concerts and they have been amazing. He is a great entertainer with mad guitar skills and you just can't help but swoon for that Kiwi/Aussie accent. I won't make a list about this country artist. It would go on too long. I haven't had much time to listen to this new album Get Closer, since it just came out today, but I am sure it won't disappoint.

Let me know if you want a copy of either album. I don't have a problem with burning and sharing good music.

(photo I took at Keith Urban's last tour)

Anyone care to go to one of these concerts once they are tour?! Hit me up!

Laundry Day

2010-11-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to post here today except some cute pics I took of my nephew Bennett the other evening. We were playing in the guest bedroom/computer room and I decided to dump out my, just washed and oh so clean socks, on top on Bennett. Who might I add loves laundry, laundry baskets, and rolling around on the bed.

He would lay on his back and I would continue to drop Mike's long socks (tube socks?) on top of his head, until he was covered. He would leave it a moment and then pull it off his face and laugh. I got a photo of him peeking out from the pile of laundry! :)

(Bennett - almost 10 months)

Then I gave him a vibrating neck pillow I had in the closet that I know he LOVES. He lays his head on it or chews it and giggles! Here's the other photo of him laying on this magic pillow.

Good times with my favorite little man! Isn't it great how kids are entertained so darn easily?

Bucket List

2010-11-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

Do you have a Bucket List?

I started a list a year or so ago. I need to see in print, the things that I wanted to accomplish at some point in my life. Some things went on the list right away and were quite obvious to me, while others are still being added to this day.

The list isn't that long right now and I have already accomplished a couple things since starting the list. Earlier this year, as you can read in this blog, I met one of my favorite authors Richelle Mead. This was on the list. I felt great that I went out of my way to do something I always promised myself I would.

The other weekend I was visting some friends in Bellingham and I had the opportunity to cross off another thing on my bucket list. Shoot a rifle. Elan and Ashley have a rifle, a handgun and a shotgun...so we set out to the outer Nooksack area to find a spot to shoot.

Let me tell you that I have indeed shot a gun before. They don't scare me and I have a good respect for both the guns and people who use them for the correct purposes. I think that if you decide to get a gun ( I haven't decided if I will own one yet or not ), you should first learn to be proficient at loading and shooting. Then you need to have a proper place to store the gun, whether that be in a closet or a safe, and make sure you have a safety setting. I know that many people are nervous about guns and safety with children in the house. I believe that rules and regulation, education, and a safe place to lock them up should be in place. I also think that if you are smart about the storage and handling of a gun, that they can both be a great protection and a fun sport.

I enjoyed shooting again. I like the challenge of aiming and hitting your target, the feeling of power behind the kick-back, and doing something out of the ordinary. We three had a really great time...when the gun didn't get jammed (some of the bullets were not the best). The rifle I am shooting had a great scope on it and was very quiet in comparison (which I prefer!) and Elan put it together himself! That thing was heavy though...a few minutes and my arms hurt!

Other things on my Bucket List to cross off?

Sky Diving

Hot Air Balloon

Attending a World Series baseball game

Sponsoring a needy child in another country

Visiting all the major Roller Coaster parks in the U.S.

Vacationing to Greece and Italy

Owning a house

These are just a few things, and hopefully it will only get longer so I have more reason to look forward and do things that make me happy. I already got the guy ;)

Greatful

2010-11-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

A photo I just love and wanted to post for a challenge this week:

Eyes ~ Simplicity

This is my good friend's cat Tatum. Her eyes were so piercing I HAD to take a quick picture. I don't think she was very happy with me however. ;)

My dear friend Katie has really been there for me this past year. She is someone I was close with back when I worked for the bank and I sorta kept in touch with her over the last few years. This past year or two however, she has really stepped up and shown me that people can really BE there.

As you get older, one tends to find that many of the friends she once had are not quite "there" anymore. Whether it be because you have grown apart, are in different stages in life, or have just changed. Some people you never really believed you would end up close to at this point in life, end up surprising you. They really show you that even in a bleek moment, they can be exactly what you need. And beyond that, they can listen and try to understand even when they don't - they can put themselves in your shoes and really feel what you are going through.

This same person may not be in your life later...life changes...happens...but, I can be greatful for having her in my life right now. Be greatful that I have an unexpected confidant and comedic relief. Thank you to Katie D for being available to become someone important to me.

Love Thy Neighbors

2010-11-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post a little something for you all to think about today. It's a message about being courteous and helpful to your fellow humans, something I think many of us forget to be on a daily basis.

It seems simple right? Be nice and do what you can to help people. Well, this is something most of us have to continue to remind ourselves. Something we need to be self-aware of.

I bring this up because it's something I have been working on. It doesn't take much of your time or thought, but you DO have to remember to do it. Two ways I have been working on this "courteous and helpful thing", are very small but important ways.
First: I always give financially when I can.
I try to at least give enough to the Salvation Army around the holidays to feed a couple of families. I give to the homeless loitering on the streets on occasion when I have a couple of dollars to spare. I know that some people assume they are going to spend it on alcohol, but I feel like "what if they don't"? See those Santa's ringing bells in front of the local grocery stores? Give them your change! There are a lot of opportunities at the grocery store... grab a bag of cat or dog food to throw in those bins outside for local animal shelters. At the very least, give $1 to whichever cause the grocery store is participating in that month. I always say yes, and offer to add $1 to my bill at the register. This makes a difference to someone, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal.

Second: I always try to be a NICE driver.
This is something most people do not ever think about. There are plenty of drivers out there with a whole lot of road-rage and plenty more who are complete jerks. When I am out on the road, I make a concious effort to be courteous and do what I can to make my fellow drivers commutes easier. I try to remember this when traffic is at it's worst during my morning commute to work. I take a route that sometimes gets completely backed up by a garbage truck, a school bus, or it's just plain packed. I always make an effort to let at least a couple waiting cars in ahead of me in line. They wait on cross streets sometimes for many minutes, trying to squeeze out onto the main road with no stop light or person slowing down to allow for this. I let them in.
Trust me, the greatful look on their faces will make it worthwhile.
Other things? Maybe just remember to use your blinker or wave when someone else let's you merge. Maybe do your best to keep your distance and not tailgate...or refrain from cutting people off.
There are many things you can do in this car-filled, everyone's late, it's raining and gloomy commute, to help make other people's lives a bit better.
Maybe other drivers are being raging a-holes today, that sucks. But don't be one of them, because if you are a courteous driver and be nice to others, they may just pay it forward and make someone else's morning.

I encourage you to pick a couple of things that you can work on doing to benefit others. They can be very small things, but still be helpful.
I challenge you to comment back with something you will do or continue to do, to make some sort of difference to someone else.

Photo Challenges of the week!

2010-11-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Here are my entries for this week's Photo Challenges.

The First is my very own sister's, entitled Windows to the Soul. Here is my "eyes" photo - of course I would choose one of my fur-baby Charlie. He has the prettiest brown eyes! I will post my other (1st) choice as well, but figured since the photo is OF Mandy, she may feel strange having it as an entry.
Here is my Charlie Brown ~

And here is the one of my sissy!

The second Photo Challenge deals with "Light" and I had so many neat ones I couldn't choose! This Challenge was posted by Linkie Lueville and is a new one for me.
Here is my entry: another one of my sis! She's going to LOVE me ;)

note: I did not alter her eye-color, just popped the image a bit. She really does have two different color eyes.

My pick for Show Of The Year ~

2010-11-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

Spartacus: Blood and Sand hopes to appeal to your bloodlust and the other, more common lust. Anyone who has a problem with violence, nudity, sex, profanity or anything else Rated R-worthy should tune out.

This series is loosely based on what little is known about the warrior Spartacus before his role in the Gladiator War against the Roman Republic. It's a superhero origin story set in Ancient Rome, if you will.

Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) is a free man who crosses the wrong Roman army leader, is parted from his wife Sura and condemned to die by the hand of gladiators. When he defeats all four of his foes, however, an ambitious owner of a ludus (gladiatorial school) purchases him in hopes of turning Spartacus into a successful and profitable fighter.

The series initially feels like an homage to "300." Besides using green screen technology, "Spartacus" embraces the most primal behaviors: violence and sex.The violence, not your average choreographed hack-fest, is a larger-than-life character in itself. In fact, even more technology is used to glamorize the sprays, spurts, fountains, and pools of blood. Although there's enough realism to elicit an occasional wince, the violence is overblown enough to allow for some desensitization. Perhaps this isn't a good thing in real life, but this is supposed to be escapist TV.

Cut to the second reason for capitol Rated R : sex. Bare breasts are as common as bared shoulders, and apparently double-stick tape had not yet been invented. Whether it's a beautiful, almost balletic loving union between man and wife or earthy, less sentimental encounters between a socially superior Roman and a slave. There are plenty of public displays as well, sometimes for deliberate, voyeuristic purposes. You've been warned ... or enticed as the case may be.

Don't worry - the series makes way for enough plot to give our poor, overstimulated eyes a rest. There's a bit of political maneuvering, fierce rivalries, the examination of slavery vs. free will, ludus-yard hazing and even romance. In fact, the heart of the show is Spartacus' desire to reclaim his wife, and for this he must become a legendary gladiator to gain leverage with his owner.

There are some great moments between the characters and some major tension building throughout the show, that seems to be close to exploding at any moment. The manipulation between two of Spartacus' leading ladies: Lucretia and Ilithyia is enticing and the competition between Spartacus and Capua's former champion, Crixus, is just plain entertainment.

Mike and I couldn't resist a Lucy Lawless (Xena) comeback or a passionate fight to the death (for mike) and a few toned, loincloth wearing warriors (for me).
You may not be into this type of show...some aren't. BUT for us, it's pure indulgent premium cable bliss.

P.S. We are very worried for the Spartacus star, Andy Whitfield, as he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma and may not be able to return for a second season of the show. I can't picture anyone else in this role...SUCK!

This leads me to give a "shout-out" to my other favorite (Showtime) series DEXTER. Michael C. Hall was also diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is now in remission. Thank you God! What is going on with the stars of my favorite shows?!

Grobanator

2010-11-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

One of my alternate-life hubbies is bringing it hot once again with a new song called Hidden Away. I'm excited to hear the whole album coming out this month! Yes, he's a bit of a geek...yes, he has curly, shagalicious hair and looks like a tall hobbit...and yes, he sings classical/pop/ballads... BUT, I like geeks. I married one, I have a couple in the family, I in fact AM one. So! Stand back world - Josh the Grobanator is in the house and his voice is embedded in my soul.

Lyrics I LOVE!

All these words that you meant to say
held in silence day after day-
words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,
please don't keep them hidden away.

Halloween Photo Challenge!

2010-11-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

Since I am on a roll and my lovely sister showed me how to link up to these challenges, I decided to participate in her photo challenge as well! I took a few photos outside yesterday when it was sunny and thought "my neighbor carves a GREAT pumpkin!" So I snagged it and made it the subject of the day! So here is one of the great Fall/Halloween shots I wanted to throw at Mandy's newest photo challenge. Hope you like it! :)

Fall Photo Challenge!

2010-11-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting do do one of these for a while now and decided to go for it! Occasionally another photographer will host a "challenge" to get you to take a themed picture and you enter in your submission. Simplicity is having a Fall Photo Challenge that I decided to participate in. I decided to keep it simple and go for a nature-ish shot of what I would think of when picturing Autumn.

ENJOY!

Positive Thinking

2010-11-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day.

I have been thinking all good thoughts. I try to be a positive and optimistic person in general, but i know that it's not always possible. Many days over the past year, have been negative days. Days where I feel like life sucks, traffic sucks, you suck, my body sucks...suck suck suck.
I always come out of this stupor and find happy, good things to think about. But, it's very easy to fall back into the routine of "suck". This is human nature.

Today, I feel like things are okay - things are just fine. Like maybe I can feel happy and look forward to some great things. Maybe it's the sun being out today and warming my face. Maybe it's the good interactions I got from my coworkers. Maybe I just feel like being happy. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

It's days like today, that I feel like making someone else feel happy too. It's days like today, that I feel like even if my wishes and aspirations don't come about quite the way I want or when I want...that it will be okay. Today I feel like maybe I CAN find the motivation to go on yet another diet and work toward my goal of being healthier. Or maybe I CAN find the money and time to possibly go back to school or write that book I have been putting off.

I know that a lot of what I want is a matter of prioritizing and attacking one thing at a time, accomplishing it, then going on to the next thing. Sometimes though, you do not have a whole lot of control over a situation or the means to accomplish it. This is hard for me. I don't like feeling that I don't have control over my future, and it's difficult for me to grapple with the idea that I may have to cut my losses for the time being and move on to something else temporarily. Maybe the timing is off and I just need to come back to it. In any case, I don't like quitting or leaving something unfinished. This is why I find it so darn hard to quit reading a book when I am halfway through. Even if I can't really get into it or I don't like the style of writing, I just have to keep going.

So what all that really means is that today at least, I feel like it's okay to maybe put something off that is not possible at the moment and come back to it. I feel like maybe I can just enjoy my friends and family and be glad for the things I have, like a stable-ish job and a loyal husband. Today, I think it's okay to just BE and smile and soak up the vitamin D that I am so lacking.

Today is a day for positive thinking and I encourage everyone to join me. For at least one day.

{photo taken my Michael, edited by Alissa}

All Hallows Eve

2010-10-31T15:46:00.000-07:00

These days I don't do much for the creepiest of all holidays except maybe curl up in a witch's hat, watch scary movies, and hand out candy to the kids. There is just something about reaching 30...I just don't think dressing up is...well normal. I know lots of people still do, but where would I wear a costume? I don't have children to take trick-or-treating or any house parties to go to. And honestly, all the costumes you can buy as an adult woman are either expensive (for the nice ones) or slutty (for the cheaper ones). I don't feel the need to dress up as a sexy cat or a slutty pirate.

I know that the reason people (women mostly) dress up this way is because it's the one day a year that you can sort of be someone different. Be something you would not normally be or dress outside of what many people consider appropriate, while still being considered normal. I may have done this once or twice, but for the most part I never felt quite comfortable in these kinds of costumes. I know that I did sort of envy the girls who felt confident enough to to pull it off, but most of the time I just couldn't get myself to go that route. I think the closest I got may have been when a few friends and I became the Spice Girls one Halloween back in high school. My dress was pretty darn tight! :)

Here is a little flash back of previous Halloweens when I did dress-up. This was back when I had a metabolism to speak of. :)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

An Ashley & Elan day

2010-10-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

As you may have read on here before, one of my good friends from my Western days was engaged to be married. Well, he and his lady were married on September 25th!
Mike, myself, and our other great Western pal, T (aka Taylor) loaded up the Subie to head out to the islands for a good time. Armed with snazzy outfits, we drove up north, hopped on a ferry and jetted out to Orcas Island. It was a beautiful day and we got out there early enough to go on a drive up to Mt. Constitution, where the views were spectacular.
After our drive, we had a drink or two and then set out to the wedding. It was so nice to see our friends happy and healthy and surrounded by their favorite people. It reminded me of our wedding day and how wonderful it was to have the love and support of all the people who were important in our lives. And I just love weddings! :)
The ceremony was beautiful and personal, with the groom's father playing a song on the guitar for the couple and a friend singing for them. The reception followed and everyone had a great time mingling and catching up. We got to see some old friends and get our dance on, which is always sweet times. Mike and I got in a slow dance or two, which...really...when do you ever get to do with your spouse? After the traditional cake cutting, bouquet tossing, first dances and dinner, the not so traditional Keg stands commensed! Michael and I did NOT participate as this would have rendered us uninteligable and much too drunk so we just watched. Most of the ladies declined, due to the thought of their dress over their head, but this obviously would not stop the guys (which included the Groom & Bride's fathers)!
The rain began falling near the end of the night, which was perfect timing, and we ended up with a beautiful and fun evening. I won't mention the shenanigans of trying to get back to the mainland, I will just say we did a LOT of waiting.

Here are a few more pics to capture our weekend.

Nature Drive

2010-10-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Michael and I decided to make one more trip up to the family property near Lake Keechelus. Mike's parents, sister and brother-in-law were all going up to bring back the camper as well, so it was a good time to go get in some nature time. :)
Since it was such a nice fall day, Mike, Sharon, Amy, and I decided it would be pretty to go on a drive through the mountains to a couple look-out points. There was a loop that went up just past the neighboring Lake Kachess. It was a pretty drive and we ended up having a great time. Charlie didn't even whine as much as I expected! Here are a couple of pics of the spots we stopped as well as one of my oh-so-good-lookin' hubby!