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Showing posts with label baby # 3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby # 3. Show all posts

Monday, August 20, 2012

20 Weeks!

At twenty weeks (3 days), little Raspberry is the length of a banana and is about 10 inches from head to heal. Mmm....banana's and peanut butter...


* Belly - It's grown a bit, but mostly looks the same as last week. My uterus is up to my belly button now and is definitely pushing things up and out. I have started feeling more ligament pain around the sides and bottom of my tummy, which if I'm honest sort of freaks me out. I know it's natural, but I had confused some of my previous contractions with ligament pain before, so I am keeping alert to any changes in the type of pain. I really wish I were one of those people who didn't feel the cramping/pulling sensations from growth, just for sanity reasons. Besides that, little boy is really making his presence known. I feel him randomly throughout the day and evenings rolling around and bumping me. It's a strange and fun experience to be talking to someone and have Raz send me a surprise punch. My hubby has yet to feel a good kick as baby is not very predictable.





* Weight gain - I think I am around 4.5 lbs up. I am right on track so far to stay between 15-20lbs. I want most all my gain to be baby and baby's housing. (More on this later!)

* Symptoms - Sleeping has become a small challenge - and I say small because I know it will get worse. I have taken to cuddling with my body pillow and trying to sleep on my sides exclusively, but I often wake up on my back because my hips hurt. We have a great memory foam mattress pad, but I am still super sore in the mornings after a lot of tossing and turning. I also wake up 4-6 times a night, which isn't abnormal but causes me to never really get to a deep restful sleep. I guess I am becoming better prepared to be doing night feedings and diaper changes. My hair is still falling out and I am surprised I have any left sometimes. Progesterone really messes around with your body. It probably doesn't help that I am injecting extra on top of what my body is producing. Bras have become pretty darn uncomfortable and it's really nice to be able to go braless or use a sports bra at home. I am not someone that just walks around the house without a bra normally, my boobs need support. I need to find one that works for these next few months, but when you are a D cup size, none of the wireless really do the job.

* Cravings - frozen grapes, ice cream/froyo, and corn on the cob.

* Clothes - Mostly maternity now unless I sport one of my stretchy skirts. The long maxi skirt that I got from Old Na.vy is really comfy and is the same material as my pajama pants, so that is what I usually wear when I get the chance.

* Gender - It's a bouncing baby boy! We've seen the turtle many times now.  :)

* Meds - 17 Hydroxyprogesterone in oil, 1 ml once a week (Mondays). Also - atenolol, baby aspirin, Prevacid, and vitamins stay the same.

* Mood - Things are going mostly okay in this department. The majority of my days are good and I feel content. The evenings are hard and I spend a lot of time before bed (bad me!) fretting about Raz and sad that I couldn't do something to change the outcome of M & A's lives. At 19 weeks 6 days, I was a mess. I decided to call into work that Friday so that I could calm down a bit and find peace. Hubby and I spent the day together, went to our 20 week ultrasound and then to dinner. By Saturday I was feeling better and had restored some hope. I even bought Raz a sleeper sack and went through some of baby Michael's clothes to determine what I would keep for his brother. Since I had not gotten a ton, I figured I would keep most of it.

The trick came when I came across Alena's things. Luckily I have many gal-pals having girls currently and have been giving them a thing or two of Alena's as a way to keep her things with people we love. I am keeping two of her outfits to hang in Raspberry's closet (at least for now), but will be gradually finding new homes for the girly things we still have. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am more ready to take care of these last few things before starting in on decorating the nursery. I am reprogramming my brain to accept that this is Raspberry's room now, even though the memories of M & A are still very present.

* Appointments - My 20 week anatomy scan was Friday. Mike was able to come to this one and we really enjoyed seeing baby boy moving around. It's so neat to have a window into your belly! The u/s tech was one I had before and she is pretty fun to hang with. She is very outgoing and told us everything she was measuring and took a lot of time zeroing in on the heart. It's so amazing to see that little organ working away, pumping blood through all the chambers. At one point Raz basically folded himself in half into a yoga pose with his legs stretched over his head. It was one for the books people! Maybe I'll have an Olympic gymnast on my hands! Check it out -



According to the measurements he was about 4 days ahead of schedule and weighing around 14 oz. He is ahead of the game, which is great. I remember baby Michael being 11.3 oz at birth (at 20 weeks) and even though I know that is just fine for a twin, it is nice to know Raz is strong. My cervical measurements all look good as well as the placenta positioning, so I am still holding up. I just have to decide if I want to continue weekly appointments or scale back to every two weeks. I can't decide honestly. It would be great to save some time and money, but I am not sure if I can deliberately cancel next week's appointment. Time will tell.

They sent me home with a DVD recording of the whole ultrasound so we could show our parents. We took it over to my in-laws last night and they enjoyed seeing their grandson flipping around.

* Special moment - Being able to talk about possible time lines for the baby shower. I couldn't seem to get beyond that, but it's a step forward. We are looking at the beginning of November and it's surreal.

And let's not ignore the moment I passed into 20 weeks 1 day. I am officially the farthest I've been in a pregnancy. Yay me!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Open Up

I'm feeling a bit more emotional these days.


Yes, I have raging hormones coursing through me and yes, I am taking meds that probably don't help a ton.

But this time is different than last time. This time around I am not just an expectant mother, but a grieving mother as well. They are very conflicting feelings.

I am dealing as best as I can and do believe that I dealt with as many of the M & A emotions as I could before trying again. I went through the stages of grief, eventually coming to acceptance. I am still working on that one. It's the hardest stage I think.

Beyond the pain of losing my first borns, is my uncertainty in myself. I'm afraid I can't do this successfully. The logical part of me knows that I have a good shot at this second round. This could be the smoothest pregnancy in the world. It could also go very badly. Not knowing what's in store for this baby has me ready to pick up a nail biting habit.

Some of these feelings are justified and others are plain emotional overflow.

For example: I cry a lot. Sometimes when I laugh, sometimes when I hear something even sort of sad, and other times when someone says or does anything nice at all. I feel like a basket case.

I cry when watching The Bachelorette, Secret Millionaire, and forget it when those "save the animals" commercials come on TV! I should just keep kleenex in every room.

The other day, Mike asked me if I remembered where I was when I heard about 9/11... que tears.

A couple nights ago I was online ordering M & A's baby blankets...cried.

On top of all that, I saw this picture on Fac.ebook before our Saturday BBQ.




My sister-in-law and her husband recently hiked up to Mirror Lake (where there was still snow) and put up this plaque near Michael and Alena's resting place. As soon as I saw it, I became a blubbering mess. They came over shortly after for the BBQ and I started up again.


How amazing is that? Obviously the crying fits are amazing, but them thinking to do that was beyond lovely.

Our BBQ by the way turned out fantastic! We had family over along with a few friends, sat outside in the sun and hubby made some tasty pulled pork and brats. Mike and our buddy D serenaded us with guitar and accordion (yes, I said accordion and it was delightful). My mom got to hear little Raz's heartbeat on the doppler and I used it on my gal-pal who was weeks ahead of me. She got a kick out of hearing her little girl's thumping heart. All in all it was good. I need days like those to keep me in the here and now - focused on the positive.

Another thing that has been a step forward is the nursery. For months the door to the nursery stood open just a crack, now it's completely open. It took me a while, but a couple months ago I went into get something and never closed it again. The door continued to stand open.



One day after vacuuming the nursery, I realized that it didn't hurt me anymore to see into the room whenever I went upstairs. Do I still feel an ache inside me looking at the twins' stuff? Yes. Have I changed a single thing in the almost 9 months they've been gone? No. I am not at the point of being able to go through the baby things and do something with them. But...the fact that I can keep that door wide open and feel...okay, is a very good thing.

I believe the door is now open to peacefully loving and remembering my lost babies. I believe that I am ready to let hope in again and fully attach to Raspberry. I think that I will be able to find a healthy coexistence between the heavy loss of M & A and the new life growing away inside me. I may not be quite ready to allow the twins' room to become Raz's, but I am confident that by the third trimester I will have made some major progress in that area. The door is open, my emotions are working overtime to get me through this pregnancy, and as long as I can keep balance between the past and the present... I think I just may get through this.


I just need to invest in a few more boxes of tissue!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Round Two

It's time.

I've been pretty silent on here because a lot has been happening in the last three + months.

We continue to love and miss Michael and Alena. We think of them every day and are finding more amazing ways to remember them. It's hard to believe it's been almost 9 months since they've been gone.

I don't think my heart has even been more broken over something. I know it hasn't.

But today, on this gorgeous summer afternoon, I can say I am happy. Do I miss them more than anything? Yes. But I have wonderful people in my life, a home, and a doggy I love.

Not just that, but a new baby on the way.

Today I'm 14 weeks, 2 days pregnant with M & A's brother or sister. For this I am grateful and thrilled. I'm also nervous and honestly freaked out. This baby was very planned, so we were prepared for the journey to come, but putting your heart out there again is scary.

Please welcome baby Raspberry! (that's what I'm calling him or her for now).

We are so in love already!





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