Walk to Remember & Wave of Light

10/15/2012

This weekend has been full of moments to remember M & A.


In a way, I am fortunate that their Angelversary is on the 12th so that I have built-in ways to honor my precious babies. As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, there are a few different events going on that I can participate in.

*A Walk to Remember was hosted by the P.S. (Parent Support) group. I have to admit I have only utilized them once so far. I found that attending the meetings, at least in the beginning was too hard for me. It was comforting to meet people in person who had lost babies as I had, but hearing their stories tended to bring me to a depressive place. One that wasn't too healthy for me at the time. I then considered going again last week...but I chose not to because well...I am pregnant and have some 'survivors guilt'. I didn't want anyone in the meeting to hurt because of me. Especially if their loss was recent. I know how I would have felt if there had been a pregnant woman in the group the first time I went last year.

Anyway, the walk was lovely.


I was lucky to only live about 25 minutes from where it was being thrown on Lake Washington. It was a cloudy day that did shed a bit of rain, but most of it held off until after we left around 11:45am. We were given balloons to write on and carry during the walk and carnations to float in the lake in honor of our children. There was a memorial table set-up where you could leave a memento or picture of your child for others to see and a healthy breakfast of donuts and coffee.

I was happy to see my mom, sister, and nephew were there as well as four friends (two of which had lost their own baby the week before I did). Having them there to support me (and I, them) really helped keep me together. I was able to think of my twins, but not surround myself in pain as I had my friends and family there to talk to. I only broke down once as we threw our flowers into the lake and I noticed how many flowers there really were - how many babies were lost just in my neck of the woods.

I was happy at least to know that both myself and the friend who had lost her baby along with me, were both there with new lives growing inside us. It gave me hope and a little peace. I know the last few days would have been so very much harder if not for Raz and her baby girl. I am so grateful for our stroke of luck (if you want to call it that), at finding ourselves pregnant on this week of all weeks. I know some are not in the position we are and I hurt all over for them. It doesn't take away the pain of M & A's loss, but it gives me something to be grateful and happy for at the end of the day.


*Today, Monday the 15th, is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. As many of you know, there is a candle lighting ceremony going on across the world. It is open to anyone who has lost a pregnancy or baby and to those who would like to honor their friends or family.

At 7:00pm (your time), you can light a candle for a child or children lost to honor their memory and support those you love. If you keep the candle burning for at least an hour, there should be a 'wave of light' across the country/world as each time zone lights their candles.

I will be lighting a candle for both Michael and Alena, as well as one for all of your babies gone too soon. This one candle will represent my love for you and your children. I would be grateful if you wanted to do the same.

Anyone Out There?

Hello!

So I know I don't post often or really at all...

I have been busy! :)

Honestly I do write, but on a private blog. One that I don't feel comfortable really making public to everyone in 'real life'. It's my journal, my way of keeping things strait.

So this blog gets the shaft usually. I know some wonderful friends, family, and bloggers read it...(when I take the time to write) so for being completely silent,  I am sorry.

A lot has happened since I wrote last and there is too much to update, but I do have some posts I can re-create on here if anyone is interested.

Is anyone out there still listening?

Should I keep up this blog too? I honestly have no idea who is still following so I am throwing it out there.

What say you people?

Do you want more updates?

I have to be honest in saying that my time now is precious, so if you really don't read much or know me and would rather just call...let me know that too.

If there are some others who really miss getting these blog posts in their e-mails or blog dashboards, I may try to throw some at you.

If you know of my other blog, please don't share it here as I still prefer to keep it to my chest. No one likes their journal read by everyone they know.

This is a call to see who is still out there - still waiting to hear from me.

Over and out.

Our 1st Angelversary

To my sweet babies Michael and Alena,


October 12th marks a whole year lived without you.

Even as your little brother grows with-in me, I miss you tremendously. More than I can ever say.

But I love you more than I can say too.

My love for you both has never quieted or calmed - it beats in my heart every moment of every day. I think of you with the beginning of each day and the darkness of each night, always wishing I could hold you for just one more moment. Wishing I could touch your tiny noses and feet...whispering "I love you's".

It's been one whole year since I last felt you moving inside me and I can hardly believe it. My breath catches in my throat just thinking about it. You really were my dream come true my angels. Everything I did, every thought in my mind for two years before your conception was focused on bringing you to me. Even though your fate was never something I could have imagined, I am so happy to have known you for the time I was given. Those five months of carrying you were some of the happiest I have had and I didn't take one day for granted.

The morning I went into the hospital in labor, and the nurses told me that you would not be coming home with me was the most heartbroken I have ever been. It felt like someone had pulled my heart right out of my chest and slowly crushed it to nothing. I remember every second of that 24 hours like it was yesterday.

I remember asking to see you on the ultrasound before delivery so I would have an idea of how much time I might have with you. I remember your daddy talking to you through my belly one last time while we knew you could both hear. The delivery, naming you, saying goodbye to my first sweet daughter, spending time with both you and our family as the first of the rainbows made it's appearance....all things I can vividly picture in my head.

Yes my dears, it was a day filled with sorrow and tears. It was a day to both say hello and goodbye, but it was also a day I became a real mother. It was the first time we knew what it felt like to be parents, to love unconditionally, and make the kinds of difficult decisions that come along with creating lives. We had never known the kind of pain that was felt that day, but we'd also never known that kind of love either.

Every time I see a rainbow I smile and my heart grows warm knowing you are still with me. Every time someone mentions your names, I feel proud that you were mine. I adore you in a way that maybe goes over-the-top, but I don't care. To me, you are perfect.

I am so grateful you had each other through it all. You didn't spend more than a couple of minutes apart in all the time that you existed. And to this day, you have each other in every way - you will never be alone and that is another reason for me to smile.

It hasn't been an easy thing to get through. The loss of our first borns was sometimes more than I felt I could handle. Getting to finally hold you in my arms, only to have to let you go mere hours later was harder than I can say. But through the tears I knew you were an immense blessing - one I could never forget. You changed me in so many ways, gave me a deeper empathy for others and helped me learn to appreciate each day as it comes. Sure, there are times now that I feel the heavy weight of a new reality. I'm no longer naive and this experience has not just shaken me but instilled a wariness I may not fully rid myself of. I feel I've aged five years in just four short seasons.

Through everything, I regret very little.

I regret you are not home with us and that you weren't given the chance to become the wonderful people I know you would have been.

I regret you won't get to meet your little brother, who grew along-side you for five days and who will grow-up saying your names.

I regret that I didn't have more time to hold and kiss you before I let you go.

The thing I will never regret is choosing you, loving you, or being your mom.

We were robbed of so much where you are concerned, but we've also been incredibly lucky to have the two of you as our own personal angels.

I wish were were celebrating your one year birthday today and that it was filled with smiling family and loads of presents. I wish I knew what you would look like and what your first words would be. We should be pushing you both in a stroller on these sunny fall afternoons, not baking a cake we'll be eating by ourselves.

We did get you something to celebrate what will always be your day. My precious twinnies, you are not just part of every rainbow we see, but now a permanent part of our sky.

You have your own star located in the constellation of Cassiopeia. A star with the lovely name of Michael & Alena. Your dad and I wanted to be able to look up at night and wish upon your star. We wanted to honor you by getting you something unique and beautiful.

To us, that is what you are. Unique and beautiful.

I hope you can hear me at night when I tell you how sorry I am. I hope you realize the profound impact you had on us and how much we love you. I will always find ways to remember you and to be your mom. It might be more for me than you, but it's important to me to believe it really means something.

I'll do my best to be strong for you today - to smile instead of cry.

I'll try to celebrate you instead of mourn your being gone.

I can't promise tears won't fall or that I won't be sad. Your pictures and mementos will probably come out and I may curl up with your bears for a bit, but mostly I will be sending you my love. That you can be sure of.

Happy Angelversary M & A. We love you so, so much.

XOXOXOX

Mommy


* Dedicated to my son and daughter...

20 Weeks!

At twenty weeks (3 days), little Raspberry is the length of a banana and is about 10 inches from head to heal. Mmm....banana's and peanut butter...


* Belly - It's grown a bit, but mostly looks the same as last week. My uterus is up to my belly button now and is definitely pushing things up and out. I have started feeling more ligament pain around the sides and bottom of my tummy, which if I'm honest sort of freaks me out. I know it's natural, but I had confused some of my previous contractions with ligament pain before, so I am keeping alert to any changes in the type of pain. I really wish I were one of those people who didn't feel the cramping/pulling sensations from growth, just for sanity reasons. Besides that, little boy is really making his presence known. I feel him randomly throughout the day and evenings rolling around and bumping me. It's a strange and fun experience to be talking to someone and have Raz send me a surprise punch. My hubby has yet to feel a good kick as baby is not very predictable.

* Weight gain - I think I am around 4.5 lbs up. I am right on track so far to stay between 15-20lbs. I want most all my gain to be baby and baby's housing. (More on this later!)

* Symptoms - Sleeping has become a small challenge - and I say small because I know it will get worse. I have taken to cuddling with my body pillow and trying to sleep on my sides exclusively, but I often wake up on my back because my hips hurt. We have a great memory foam mattress pad, but I am still super sore in the mornings after a lot of tossing and turning. I also wake up 4-6 times a night, which isn't abnormal but causes me to never really get to a deep restful sleep. I guess I am becoming better prepared to be doing night feedings and diaper changes. My hair is still falling out and I am surprised I have any left sometimes. Progesterone really messes around with your body. It probably doesn't help that I am injecting extra on top of what my body is producing. Bras have become pretty darn uncomfortable and it's really nice to be able to go braless or use a sports bra at home. I am not someone that just walks around the house without a bra normally, my boobs need support. I need to find one that works for these next few months, but when you are a D cup size, none of the wireless really do the job.

* Cravings - frozen grapes, ice cream/froyo, and corn on the cob.

* Clothes - Mostly maternity now unless I sport one of my stretchy skirts. The long maxi skirt that I got from Old Na.vy is really comfy and is the same material as my pajama pants, so that is what I usually wear when I get the chance.

* Gender - It's a bouncing baby boy! We've seen the turtle many times now.  :)

* Meds - 17 Hydroxyprogesterone in oil, 1 ml once a week (Mondays). Also - atenolol, baby aspirin, Prevacid, and vitamins stay the same.

* Mood - Things are going mostly okay in this department. The majority of my days are good and I feel content. The evenings are hard and I spend a lot of time before bed (bad me!) fretting about Raz and sad that I couldn't do something to change the outcome of M & A's lives. At 19 weeks 6 days, I was a mess. I decided to call into work that Friday so that I could calm down a bit and find peace. Hubby and I spent the day together, went to our 20 week ultrasound and then to dinner. By Saturday I was feeling better and had restored some hope. I even bought Raz a sleeper sack and went through some of baby Michael's clothes to determine what I would keep for his brother. Since I had not gotten a ton, I figured I would keep most of it.

The trick came when I came across Alena's things. Luckily I have many gal-pals having girls currently and have been giving them a thing or two of Alena's as a way to keep her things with people we love. I am keeping two of her outfits to hang in Raspberry's closet (at least for now), but will be gradually finding new homes for the girly things we still have. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am more ready to take care of these last few things before starting in on decorating the nursery. I am reprogramming my brain to accept that this is Raspberry's room now, even though the memories of M & A are still very present.

* Appointments - My 20 week anatomy scan was Friday. Mike was able to come to this one and we really enjoyed seeing baby boy moving around. It's so neat to have a window into your belly! The u/s tech was one I had before and she is pretty fun to hang with. She is very outgoing and told us everything she was measuring and took a lot of time zeroing in on the heart. It's so amazing to see that little organ working away, pumping blood through all the chambers. At one point Raz basically folded himself in half into a yoga pose with his legs stretched over his head. It was one for the books people! Maybe I'll have an Olympic gymnast on my hands! Check it out -

According to the measurements he was about 4 days ahead of schedule and weighing around 14 oz. He is ahead of the game, which is great. I remember baby Michael being 11.3 oz at birth (at 20 weeks) and even though I know that is just fine for a twin, it is nice to know Raz is strong. My cervical measurements all look good as well as the placenta positioning, so I am still holding up. I just have to decide if I want to continue weekly appointments or scale back to every two weeks. I can't decide honestly. It would be great to save some time and money, but I am not sure if I can deliberately cancel next week's appointment. Time will tell.

They sent me home with a DVD recording of the whole ultrasound so we could show our parents. We took it over to my in-laws last night and they enjoyed seeing their grandson flipping around.

* Special moment - Being able to talk about possible time lines for the baby shower. I couldn't seem to get beyond that, but it's a step forward. We are looking at the beginning of November and it's surreal.

And let's not ignore the moment I passed into 20 weeks 1 day. I am officially the farthest I've been in a pregnancy. Yay me!

A Day of Hope

Today, along with many other grieving parents and family members, I think of my twins.


Carly Marie's Day of Hope is just another wonderful day of tribute to those babies and children lost to us too soon. Whether you lost a child by miscarriage, preterm labor, in the NICU or just want to speak out about infertility - this is a powerful outlet.

Here is what Carly has to say...

"... August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore."

You can follow the link to her blog and participate on Facebook or through your blog if you like. I did. Just head to CarlyMarie Project Heal.

M & A ~ Mommy and Daddy (& baby brother) love you very much. We remember you always.

Open Up

I'm feeling a bit more emotional these days.


Yes, I have raging hormones coursing through me and yes, I am taking meds that probably don't help a ton.

But this time is different than last time. This time around I am not just an expectant mother, but a grieving mother as well. They are very conflicting feelings.

I am dealing as best as I can and do believe that I dealt with as many of the M & A emotions as I could before trying again. I went through the stages of grief, eventually coming to acceptance. I am still working on that one. It's the hardest stage I think.

Beyond the pain of losing my first borns, is my uncertainty in myself. I'm afraid I can't do this successfully. The logical part of me knows that I have a good shot at this second round. This could be the smoothest pregnancy in the world. It could also go very badly. Not knowing what's in store for this baby has me ready to pick up a nail biting habit.

Some of these feelings are justified and others are plain emotional overflow.

For example: I cry a lot. Sometimes when I laugh, sometimes when I hear something even sort of sad, and other times when someone says or does anything nice at all. I feel like a basket case.

I cry when watching The Bachelorette, Secret Millionaire, and forget it when those "save the animals" commercials come on TV! I should just keep kleenex in every room.

The other day, Mike asked me if I remembered where I was when I heard about 9/11... que tears.

A couple nights ago I was online ordering M & A's baby blankets...cried.

On top of all that, I saw this picture on Fac.ebook before our Saturday BBQ.

My sister-in-law and her husband recently hiked up to Mirror Lake (where there was still snow) and put up this plaque near Michael and Alena's resting place. As soon as I saw it, I became a blubbering mess. They came over shortly after for the BBQ and I started up again.


How amazing is that? Obviously the crying fits are amazing, but them thinking to do that was beyond lovely.

Our BBQ by the way turned out fantastic! We had family over along with a few friends, sat outside in the sun and hubby made some tasty pulled pork and brats. Mike and our buddy D serenaded us with guitar and accordion (yes, I said accordion and it was delightful). My mom got to hear little Raz's heartbeat on the doppler and I used it on my gal-pal who was weeks ahead of me. She got a kick out of hearing her little girl's thumping heart. All in all it was good. I need days like those to keep me in the here and now - focused on the positive.

Another thing that has been a step forward is the nursery. For months the door to the nursery stood open just a crack, now it's completely open. It took me a while, but a couple months ago I went into get something and never closed it again. The door continued to stand open.

One day after vacuuming the nursery, I realized that it didn't hurt me anymore to see into the room whenever I went upstairs. Do I still feel an ache inside me looking at the twins' stuff? Yes. Have I changed a single thing in the almost 9 months they've been gone? No. I am not at the point of being able to go through the baby things and do something with them. But...the fact that I can keep that door wide open and feel...okay, is a very good thing.

I believe the door is now open to peacefully loving and remembering my lost babies. I believe that I am ready to let hope in again and fully attach to Raspberry. I think that I will be able to find a healthy coexistence between the heavy loss of M & A and the new life growing away inside me. I may not be quite ready to allow the twins' room to become Raz's, but I am confident that by the third trimester I will have made some major progress in that area. The door is open, my emotions are working overtime to get me through this pregnancy, and as long as I can keep balance between the past and the present... I think I just may get through this.


I just need to invest in a few more boxes of tissue!

Round Two

It's time.

I've been pretty silent on here because a lot has been happening in the last three + months.

We continue to love and miss Michael and Alena. We think of them every day and are finding more amazing ways to remember them. It's hard to believe it's been almost 9 months since they've been gone.

I don't think my heart has even been more broken over something. I know it hasn't.

But today, on this gorgeous summer afternoon, I can say I am happy. Do I miss them more than anything? Yes. But I have wonderful people in my life, a home, and a doggy I love.

Not just that, but a new baby on the way.

Today I'm 14 weeks, 2 days pregnant with M & A's brother or sister. For this I am grateful and thrilled. I'm also nervous and honestly freaked out. This baby was very planned, so we were prepared for the journey to come, but putting your heart out there again is scary.

Please welcome baby Raspberry! (that's what I'm calling him or her for now).

We are so in love already!