My Heart Holds Seven Colors

This was Seattle today. April 3rd, 2012.

This photo was taken by a local photographer who happens to live near Lake Washington and was in prime position to see this miraculous sight over the I-90 bridge.


I have said it over and over again that the rainbows here in Washington have been insane recently. I know it has to do with our Spring season and the rain to sun ratio, but it has been truly a sight to behold.

Let me lay this out for you in numbers people.

Sunday, the day a friend told me of her miscarriage - a day when I was mourning her loss right along with her...a rainbow behind my house. Of course I told her that M & A were sending me a message that I believed I was supposed to deliver to her. Her baby was okay.

Tuesday? Not two days later~

Three text messages...

Five pictures and comments left to me on my Face.book...

Two messages left to me through blog.ger...

One e-mail....

Eleven total people saw a rainbow at different locations in the Seattle/Eastside area Tuesday and contacted me to tell me M & A showed up for them. I was blown away by the outpouring of love and thoughts both from my babies and for them.

Even as I sit here now, I am stunned that so many were touched by this beautiful sight and thought to let me know. I am actually pretty surprised that I didn't see one myself, but I suppose they wanted some attention from their loved ones this time. And perhaps...just maybe, they gathered their angel friends together in an attempt to reach all of us who miss them. That might explain all the rainbow sightings at once.

My 'rainbow log' is getting long already and it's only been 5-ish months. I am only noting when either myself or my husband sees one. If I logged when all my friends and family spotted one, a page would be filled by month's end. I am getting it situated to be an inclusion in M & A's memory book and will show you what that page looks like when I am ready.

It really and truly warms my heart to get all these lovely messages and photos every time someone sees a rainbow. It brings tears to my eyes to realize that my twins are here with us and that they are being thought of by more than just me. It brings a calming peace, a flutter to my heart.

I need to say thank you. Thank you to those in real life who have gone out of their way to tell me when Michael and Alena came to them. Thank you to those in blog-land who have helped me keep their memories alive and who assist in my healing with every comment and kind word. This might have been the hardest, most painful time in my life, but it's also put more love in my heart than I could have imagined.

I love you my rainbow twins - thank you for being such a huge presence to my eyes and my aching heart.

Forever In Love

I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.

After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.

First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.


Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.

The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.

The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.

Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.


Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.

I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.

I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."


Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.

I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3

He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!

I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.

We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.

We will forever be in love.

Gifts From Heaven

I spent time thinking of Michael and Alena today. Yeah, I know that I always think about them, but today is Valentines Day.

A day for love. A day to think warmly of those you most hold dear.

I hold my children dear - I love them. So although it will just be me and Mike tonight (not celebrating much other than a small gift, a card, and a movie), I set aside some special time to think about them.

During my lunch break, I went to the local grocery market and bought them each a rose. A red rose.

Just like the ones I set loose to float in the lake of their final resting place.

I walked back outside to where my doggie Charlie was waiting for me in the car and looked up into the sky.

On Valentines day.

With two red roses in my hand.

I kid you not. I saw a rainbow.

My babies did it again! They heard me or felt me...whatever it is that happens. On a day that I purposefully held extra love in my heart for them and their dad. The moment I step foot outside after buying them their Valentines day gift...they send me a rainbow.

I won't doubt the gift this time. This time I am sure it's from them and it produced the biggest smile I've probably managed in the last month.

This time it's more than a coincidence friends. I've begun a 'rainbow watch' log to track each time something amazing like this happens around a special day or event. Every time I have seen a rainbow since October, it's been on a day when I most needed that comfort.

The day M&A were born.

The morning we spread M & A's ashes.

During the drive home on a particularly difficult day of grief.

The day before the new year when I couldn't seem to stop crying.

And today...Valentine's Day.

So how sweet would it be to have a log of all the rainbow sightings to keep in their memory book?

When I got home today, I went straight upstairs to where I framed M & A's photos of their names written in the sand and gave each of the pictures a big kiss. I had to clean the glass afterwards, but it was worth it.

Who knows what all hubby and I will do tonight, but I feel very lucky that our twins made it a point to show themselves to me today. They really are the most beautiful things in my life. Even though they aren't here in my arms, their presence is undeniable.