Update

Well hello everyone! I am sorry I have been such a bad blogger, I just feel kind of like I don't have a ton to say. And the catching up I want to do really needs to be done in person, you know? I promise to make a better effort to keep in contact this summer.

There has been a lot of loss lately...my blog seems to reflect that and I know it isn't always a good read. I apologize if I seem to have a lot of negative posts.

Not everything has been bad for me. I am choosing to deal with everything head-on and really soak in as much of the good as I can. We only have one life here on earth.

I am dealing with my Dad's death a little bit at a time, choosing not let it bring me to that painful place I went with the twins. I don't think I had a choice in that mourning process as their passing was sudden and traumatic. My Dad's was a long time coming and I was given a heads-up about his decline. It's been hard being away from my Ohio family right now, but I think dealing with this new loss here in Washington is helping to keep me a bit removed from the very real sadness my family is feeling over there. I have been given a copy of the video that was taken during his memorial and have watched it through once. I cried when my aunts and uncle spoke and was able to feel a little bit involved even at a distance.

I am doing okay with it. I think it will take a while to absorb, but I will get there.

I still think about my twins every day, but I mostly smile when I think of them. The tears are there on occasion, but passing the 7 month mark has done wonders on my ability to reach out to them in happiness. They even sent Mike and I the most gorgeous rainbow last Sunday. All I had to do was walk outside and stand in front of our house.

They never cease to amaze their parents.

We are really getting into full attack mode on our yard. The whole thing needs an overhaul and Mike has taken great strides in digging up grass and less-than-liked bushes. We are replanting and trying to landscape what was left untouched for I don't know how long. Mike's parents have been a big help so far too and they have given us a lot of advice on how to tackle certain things. We've got blueberry and tomato plants growing as well as new trees and ground cover.

I will begin working on the weeding up on the back terrace in order to prep it for Michael and Alena's memorial garden. I haven't picked out which plants and flowers I want to use, but I am excited to get it started in time for summer. I have a vision, I just don't know all the details yet.

Once I have a good section done, I will post some pictures!

I just wanted to check-in and say that I am doing okay. Seeing the sun after a long fall and winter is helping immensely. M & A's memory book is (mostly) finished and it brings me great joy to look through it on days when I miss them.

Thanks for being patient and caring through it all my friends. I'm grateful for you.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is my Mother's Day.

A day to honor the mommy's who have lost a child or children and may not be remembered next Sunday. Most people don't think to include us in traditional Mother's Day because we have no child to declare we are a parent. But we are, as many lovely friends and family have told me, Mothers.


Here is what Carly Marie has to say about International Bereaved Mother's Day -

"Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day! This day was created by us in 2010 and it now falls on the first Sunday of every May.

This special day was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mothers Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world.

On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.

Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children.

To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery below. Post them as your profile image on your favourite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Please feel welcome to use the images on your blogs or websites."

Untied in grief we find recognition and strength.

Wishing you all love and blessings for our Mothers Day.

With light,
Carly Marie


I've gotten some beautiful sand butterflies from Carly Marie and have them displayed in my home. I love seeing them when I walk into our room, when I visit my sister's, or when I open M & A's memory book. I think having a day separate from Mother's Day to remember that we are indeed mothers, just in a special situation, is very healing.

Today I am glad to celebrate, because I get to celebrate being Michael and Alena's mother. I love being their mom.

So I want to take a moment to remember all the women who are uncelebrated mothers. The ones who had children and lost them. The mothers who miscarried or lost their child(ren) to preterm labor, stillbirth, or SIDS.

It's a beautiful day here in Washington, so I will go and sit in the sun and think of all of you. I will send out my love and my condolences and I'll wish you a Happy Mother's Day.

My Heart Holds Seven Colors

This was Seattle today. April 3rd, 2012.

This photo was taken by a local photographer who happens to live near Lake Washington and was in prime position to see this miraculous sight over the I-90 bridge.


I have said it over and over again that the rainbows here in Washington have been insane recently. I know it has to do with our Spring season and the rain to sun ratio, but it has been truly a sight to behold.

Let me lay this out for you in numbers people.

Sunday, the day a friend told me of her miscarriage - a day when I was mourning her loss right along with her...a rainbow behind my house. Of course I told her that M & A were sending me a message that I believed I was supposed to deliver to her. Her baby was okay.

Tuesday? Not two days later~

Three text messages...

Five pictures and comments left to me on my Face.book...

Two messages left to me through blog.ger...

One e-mail....

Eleven total people saw a rainbow at different locations in the Seattle/Eastside area Tuesday and contacted me to tell me M & A showed up for them. I was blown away by the outpouring of love and thoughts both from my babies and for them.

Even as I sit here now, I am stunned that so many were touched by this beautiful sight and thought to let me know. I am actually pretty surprised that I didn't see one myself, but I suppose they wanted some attention from their loved ones this time. And perhaps...just maybe, they gathered their angel friends together in an attempt to reach all of us who miss them. That might explain all the rainbow sightings at once.

My 'rainbow log' is getting long already and it's only been 5-ish months. I am only noting when either myself or my husband sees one. If I logged when all my friends and family spotted one, a page would be filled by month's end. I am getting it situated to be an inclusion in M & A's memory book and will show you what that page looks like when I am ready.

It really and truly warms my heart to get all these lovely messages and photos every time someone sees a rainbow. It brings tears to my eyes to realize that my twins are here with us and that they are being thought of by more than just me. It brings a calming peace, a flutter to my heart.

I need to say thank you. Thank you to those in real life who have gone out of their way to tell me when Michael and Alena came to them. Thank you to those in blog-land who have helped me keep their memories alive and who assist in my healing with every comment and kind word. This might have been the hardest, most painful time in my life, but it's also put more love in my heart than I could have imagined.

I love you my rainbow twins - thank you for being such a huge presence to my eyes and my aching heart.

S.T. Song # 9 & 10

I tried to move away from the sadness a little bit in these two songs and focus on the pressure of love in my heart for Michael and Alena. I want them to know the sweet, motherly love I have for them beyond the tears of their passing.


# 9 Adele - Make You Feel My Love





When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love


*Note: I love the Garth Brooks version, but Adele is so powerful that I decided to go with her.


My heart is warm with thoughts of my children. The next song on M & A's playlist reflect the intense feelings I had when I finally got to hold them. The words are a good interpretation of what I saw when I looked at their tiny lips and fingers. Of how I felt about them to my core and how I know I would have felt about them, had they lived.


# 10  Sleeping At Last - Turning Page






I've waited a hundred years,
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for,
What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch.
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough.
Oh I would've known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
Where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line.
Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Oh I would've known what I've been living for, all along
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas,
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees.

S.T. Song # 5 & 6

Someone once shared this song with me and it's stuck with me since. Matt Hammitt is part of a christian band and I don't listen much to that genre of music, but after hearing his personal story - it just fit. His son was born with a heart defect that had his family and the doctors unsure if he would make it. They almost lost the baby.

Matt wrote this song for his son. I think it applies beautifully to Michael and Alena and to any baby we may be lucky enough to meet in the future.

The lyrics are included in the video. Thanks for loving them with me.


# 5 Matt Hammitt - All Of Me





The next song on M & A's playlist is one I've posted before and I think it is the one that most reflects my feelings over the loss of my babies. I've always loved Daughtry and his song about miscarriage and baby loss is so moving. He and his wife conceived twins through the help of a gestational carrier after his wife had to have a partial hysterectomy. I just think the emotion that comes through in this song is beautiful. I don't need to highlight any one part of the song at all.


Please enjoy # 6 - Gone Too Soon





Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother,
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes,
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

5 Months Gone

Lately I have been trying really hard to just ignore all the pain and do things for myself - things that might make me happy. Because let's be honest, there are a lot of reasons not to be. Reason upon reason to hide away in my bed and come out only to go to work, eat, and pee. I know this is not how to come back to life or how to honor M & A.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.

Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they lived...so it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.

My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.

I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.

In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.

I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.

I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.

I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.

We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.

Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.

It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at Cost.co and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.

The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.

The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.

So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.

Forever In Love

I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.

After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.

First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.


Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.

The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.

The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.

Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.


Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.

I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.

I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."


Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.

I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3

He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!

I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.

We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.

We will forever be in love.

All For You

A couple of special things happened recently. I have been gifted so much as of late - for both my healing heart and our babies' memory.

One of the people who has openly shared in my loss has been my mom. She talks about her grandbabies as if she knew them as well as I did. She reaches out and wants to keep their memory alive like I do. My mom recognizes M & A as babies, not a pregnancy or a miscarriage.

Having the twins' names written on a beach was something I thought of doing a while back. I came across a blog called Christian's Beach a month or so ago. It's written by a woman who lost her son and who wanted to reach out to others in pain by giving them a beautiful dedication. She lives near a beach in Australia and goes out each evening to write names in the sand to post on her webpage. It's a small but touching gesture to see your child's name somewhere beautiful and tangible. She does this for free, but requires a donation to have the jpeg photo sent to you for printing.

I never followed up on this, as I was still fumbling through my mess of a heart. Let's be honest, I still am.

My mom did this without my even mentioning it to her. She found the site all on her own and had M & A put on the list of children to be remembered.

On January 20th, Carly set out at sunset, in another part of the world, to honor our Michael and Alena. My mom made the donation so we could receive the rights to the prints for our memory book.

"At the end of the day, all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."

Thank you mom...for loving them as I loved them. For wanting them as we wanted them. For missing and remembering them in a way that touches my heart. M & A will live on as long as we give them time and space to be. You are helping me do that and I am grateful.

Also: one of my dear friends Katie was finally able to get us our belated Christmas gift. But moreover, it was a birthday present for the twins. A very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. Through it all, she's been a good friend and someone I have been able to open up to completely. She's let me talk about my pain and she's kept me distracted when I needed it. Katie was also one of the first people to ask to see pictures of the twins.

I wanted to give her a space on my blog to say Thank You for her continued support and care. And now for this beautiful gift to remember M & A.

I am gathering little by little, the pieces of my broken heart and with each tear I hope to come a fraction closer to being 'okay'. I will keep finding ways to love them and be their mommy even as they play as angels now. It's all I can do and it has to be enough.

Thank you to those who are helping me remember them.

The Angel Tree List

Memory Trees

A tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity national forest for each Angel family on this list. In honor of my twins Michael and Alena – these ‘angel’ trees will grow together strong and beautiful, just as we will always see our children.

Some of these precious souls were lost in miscarriage while others were born pre-term or still. No matter the stage of loss, each child was wanted and loved with parents who are missing them every day. In memory and celebration of these perfect babies, a donation was made to dedicate 40 trees.

"There is no foot so small it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Baby Lily B . – October 2011

Baby Wolf – March 2010

Christy & Randy’s babies - 6/21/06, 6/20/07 & 6/8/11

Baby Elliot – March 30, 2011 to April 16, 2011

Baby Nathan, Malia, & Anthony – August 28, 2011

Baby Livvi – April 1, 2011

E & R’s Baby – July 25, 2008

Baby Scott ‘sprout’ – August 10, 2011

Baby Miller – August 22, 2011

Baby Vaux - April 2008 & two ectopic babies - Sept. 2008, July 2011

Baby Gavin – May 19, 2011

Baby DeFrias – December 12, 2009

Baby Allen – April 11, 2011

Baby Sofia & Avelina – August 1, 2011

Baby Shaw #1 and #2 – November 7, 2008 & September 10, 2009

Yagur babies – July 2008, October 2010, April 2011

Baby Gray – September 27, 2011

Aitken babies – October 2009, May 2010, December 2010

Baby S – December 3, 2009

Baby Aliya & Bennett – August 5, 2011

Baby Caleb - December 2008 & Caleb’s siblings – February 2011 & June 2011

Baby Isaac – April 3, 2011

Kelley’s babies – February 2011 & October 2011

Baby Astin 4/2010, Baby Ember 5/2010, Baby Poppy 2/2011, Baby Echo 6/2011, & Baby Raven 7/2011

Baby “Bean” – December 2011

Baby Andrew & Benjamin – October 12, 2011

Baby H – April 6, 2010

Rebecca’s babies – November 2011

Baby Hope – February 22, 2011

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

Baby William & Ethan – December 4, 2010

Shafer babies – August 2010, October 2010, November 2010

Robin twins – March 16, 2011

Baby Nathaniel, Kade, & Roanin – March 2010

Baby Goddard – August 12, 2010

Baby Lauren Joy – October 2011

Baby Colton – April 3, 2008

Hattie’s baby – December 2011

Denise & Adel’s baby – October 2011

Cristy & Grey’s baby – January 2012

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

 

This list made me sad just compiling it, but unfortunately it's our reality. I know the number of lost children out here in the blog world far exceeds the ones I've named...and I wish we were holding our babies instead of planting trees in their memory. Since there is nothing to be done about that fact, I'll have to find peace in doing what I can to show my love.

This is just the beginning.