To The Stars

Another blogger has posted the poem below about loss. I think she wrote it herself and it touches me in a huge way. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and I understand it deep down.


For those who don't know, I graduated with an English degree and spent the majority of my four years in college writing - everything from short stories to poetry and songs. I love poetry. I wanted to post this one on my blog for myself to read and for others who have gone through a pregnancy loss or stillbirth. I think it's perfect and exactly what I would have written.

Someday soon, I hope to write something of my own, to share part of my art. That, paired with photography will hopefully help me continue healing as winter turns into spring.


hymn for him

my life
my other heart
my beloved
my most important creation
my transformation
my closest relation
my evolution
my progression and reflection
my expression of perfection
made out of all i had
i honor you with all that remains

you were my body and my future
you were wings
stretching from inside me
you were promise of life and flight
you were living, dancing Light.
you were mine
you were me.
not just part of me
but the best of me
all my life and energy
all my love.
all my love.
i’m told that i should just erase you
and the void will go away
and it’s simple to replace you
this is natural, they say
no one wants to hear about you
or the way it feels without you
but there has never been a more fierce love or bond


and now you’re gone


you were everything i wanted
now i’m empty, bleeding, haunted
but the whole world’s waiting for me to move on
and so
in my imagination
i release my great creation
to the stars
     to the stars
          to the stars

but i will never love another quite like this
i am your mother, you’re my wish
that very nearly did come true
and always, darling,
I Love You.

Double Whammy! Confessions.

Two postings in one! Aren't you lucky?

1st Confession - I really and truly believe I am addicted to lists.

I was realizing the other day that I make lists for everything! I think I am addicted.
Everywhere I look around my house and especially my office is riddled with lists. I don't know if I feel like my memory is horrible or I just like the organization that comes with writing things down. Maybe both. For instance - in front of me right now are four lists. FOUR!
1. bills due this paycheck
2. passwords
3. books I want to buy and/or check out from the library
4. blog subjects

Oh my god. I just made those lists into a list! Sheesh!

You name the list, I probably have written it. I have lists for: groceries, X-mas gifts, songs to download, movies I loan out, errands to run, etc., etc.

I even just recently started a "What to pack for vacation" list. No, I don't have a vacation planned, but it would be nice to have something to print out for when I DO go on vacation next. I was talking to my mom about this around the time we went to San Francisco. We thought it would be a great idea to make a master list for packing so you wouldn't forget anything. Makes sense right? Right? ....No?

I won't even go into my list-mania going on in my office right now. You would commit me.

Even better than writing the list itself, is being able to cross items off. I think that is my true obsession. Being able to cross things off my list makes me unbelievably giddy. And I don't mentally cross off as I go - I need to slash a big, dark, pen line through each item. It just feels like accomplishment, a little pat on the back for a job well done.

I have to confess something else that it totally nuts.
Shhhh....I add things onto my list (that I didn't remember to add, but took care of) after the fact, just so I can cross it off! I know.

My favorite paper to use is post-its. The square ones. Unless it's a long list, then I need to type it. If I don't have paper...I write on the back of my left hand. And no, I don't cross off the items I wrote on my hand. That would be disturbing.                    

OKAY! We're really cookin' now!


2nd Confession - I am currently in love with Taylor Swift and Keith Urban. ( I know, nothing new)

I fell in love with T.S. when her second album came out. Then I was really excited when her 3rd came out in October. Speak Now is a really good junior album! Back to December is probably one of my favorites, but it's hard to pick! The best things I can say about her, are as follows (in list form):
1. she writes her own music. I really admire this (she's like 20!)
2. she puts a lot of songs on her albums so you get more for your money.
3. I can listen to the whole album, without wanting to skip songs.
4. she has her head on strait and treats herself with respect and dignity. She's a good role model for young women.
5. she's a proclaimed nerd and so am I. We would bond.
6. Ellen scared T.S. on her show and her tall ass fell over! Hilarious.

As for Keith? I F'in love him. I have been to at least two concerts and they have been amazing. He is a great entertainer with mad guitar skills and you just can't help but swoon for that Kiwi/Aussie accent. I won't make a list about this country artist. It would go on too long. I haven't had much time to listen to this new album Get Closer, since it just came out today, but I am sure it won't disappoint.

Let me know if you want a copy of either album. I don't have a problem with burning and sharing good music.

(photo I took at Keith Urban's last tour)

Anyone care to go to one of these concerts once they are tour?! Hit me up!

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself!

I was thinking today that I need to find something(s) to keep me busy. I feel like the past 5-6 years, I haven't done much with myself and it's kind of bothering me. I have had a great time being married and keeping up friendships, but I don't feel I am accomplishing anything to be proud of.

I have my photography, but it's not enough (since I am not doing it full time) and to be honest, I just feel sorta mediocre at it. I have an eye for it, but I don't feel like I am really all that great at it.

I still write on occasion and have a rough outline for a story/book, but can't seem to produce much of a draft for it. I think too much and spend too much time critiquing what I've written to ever get very far. I know this is my own undoing, but I can't seem to just write and be happy with a rough draft for the time being. Man, I get on my own nerves sometimes!

I started a bit of Geneology a while ago too. This can be really interesting and fulfilling, but is a lot of work! You can sit at the computer for hours just trying to track down a birthdate for a relative! It gets to be exhausting after a while! I have some information but I don't want to put a bunch of money into a geneology program to keep me organized or pay a monthly/annual fee to subscribe to an online "people finding" site. This makes my search much harder.

I know I have told many of you about my annoyance with being on the computer for hours. Well all three of these hobbies include hours on the computer! After work, the last thing I feel like doing is sitting in front of the computer, so I admit that is part of the problem with accomplishing these tasks. Even blogging requires the computer! What's a girl to do?!

As far as figuring out a solution to this problem; I guess I just have to keep trying to get better at the activities I am alreay doing (maybe take some classes) or find something else to get excited about. Don't get me wrong, I love not having a lot of responsibilities and taking vacations! But, I feel like I need something to feel really good about right now; something to work towards and be proud of myself for. Maybe that means going back to school and getting another degree...or maybe it just means I need to crack down and set some short term goals for a project I am doing. Whatever the direction I head, I need to find the motivation and resolve to stick to the plan. It's too easy to just keep sliding by and "living" without having a real sense of direction.

Boy, it would sure be easier if all I wanted was to have what I have now. I would be set! But I have a lot of goals for myself and my 30's are the perfect time to figure them out and attack them head on. It would be nice to at least have a home of our own by now...yikes...I have a lot to do.