I Am...

Today marks 13 years with my husband. We started dating at the end of high school and well...here we are. Married for almost 6 years and still loving each other. The last 3 years have been hard. They've been challenging and trying and heartbreaking.

For a couple who have been together so long, not having a child by now feels very incomplete. We took our time in becoming engaged and spent 3 years enjoying married life, only growing our family was not in the cards for us. I'm not sure why this part of our journey has had to be so devastating or why we were 'blessed' to be the 1 out of 8 couples plagued with infertility. I'm not sure why my egg developing ovaries and darn good uterus can't pull it together to give us a baby.

What I am sure of, is Mike.

We have our squabbles and the silent issues that the past few years bestowed upon us, but there isn't a moment I think about giving up. I know he will be in my corner no matter what our future holds and doesn't blame me for what we are going through. This is huge for me, because honestly I carry enough blame around myself. It kills me to see his arms empty after being so close to parenthood. I feel responsible quite often and knowing his love for me allows me to let that blame go for a while.

I know that being a parent is tough, but after the hell of these last few months I know we can handle anything. If I have him to back me up and to lean on, I will be okay. I don't know 100% that we will indeed become parents to a living child, but if it ever comes to a life without...we will find a way to deal with it together.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night. There were a couple of storylines that have grabbed me lately and I was a bit surprised at which of them pulled at me the most. Instead of the 25 week gestation preemie barely holding on for dear life, it was Teddy's storyline about trying to accept her husband's death.




During Teddy's grief group meeting, the councilor told her to admit to herself that she was a widow. She's been avoiding the emotions that would arise after facing this hard fact. I can identify with this somewhat.

Facing yourself in the mirror and saying it all out loud is very difficult. I dread ever having to say the word 'widow' myself, but someday it may come. For now, just saying 'my babies are dead' is hard enough. I can barely even say 'dead', choosing to switch out 'passed away' or 'gone'. But that is the reality.

What do I even call myself? Obviously I'm not a widow because that means my spouse died. If my husband and I had died, any living children I had would be orphans. There seems to be a name for those kinds of losses, but not for a parent who has lost a child.

There IS no name or word for what I am. There are new names with-in our small infertility and bereaved circles like 'babylost' or 'babyloss mom'. But there is no label widely known. If people ask you if you are married, but you have lost a spouse, you can tell them you are a widow.

I can't really say, without explaining, that I am 'babylost'.

This just further proves that there isn't a secure place in society for the pain of losing a baby. It's not spoken of enough (even though it obviously happens), to warrant a label. I guess no one wants to acknowledge it. So what do I tell people when they ask if I have kids? Because it happens a lot.

I have debated about this for the last 5+ months and haven't really decided the best answer for this question. It doesn't seem right to say that I don't have kids and disregard the lives of M & A. I had to cremate them for godsake...they were here. They had bodies and hearts and my love.

On the otherhand, saying that I do have kids invites more questions and possibly some awkward explanations and dead air. Strangers or acquaintances don't want to hear I am babylost - that is bound to be uncomfortable.


I am just going to have to make a split decision I guess. So far I have made a huge effort to avoid or divert these possible questions. I will say a quick 'no' and change the subject or ask a question far removed from parenthood. Sometimes I won't even answer the question at all and I probably seem like a weirdo who doesn't listen.

There is no real point to this post, just a lot of things I've been thinking about over the last two days. Thoughts about my little family of two and how I view myself right now. Do I consider myself a mom even though I don't parent? Do others think of me as having children? Who do I think of as being part of my family? Did the twins live long enough for me to feel right in telling people that, yes I have two babies?

This is such a strange place to be.

Thank God I am not a Widow.

Si Sara La Mia

Well it's Valentine's Day and the best topic to discuss for today is L.O.V.E - & my hubby of course!

So in honor of my lovely (handsome) husband I will write a post completely about him. This is also a link-up to my sister's blog challenge You & Your Valentine.

1. How we met.

Michael and I met the first time through my sis Mandy. They were friends (in high school) and were at our house before a Tolo dance taking photos, as I was with my date/friend. Little did I know that HER date would end up being my husband! :)

The second time we met was during Track & Field practice where I realized that we were both competing in the Long Jump. We started talking and hanging out casually (I was getting over an ex) and just seemed to click. The more we hung out the more we liked hanging out and one thing led to another.

It was a little awkward at first since he was my sister's friend and I didn't want to be 'stealing' him away from her. But she was my friend as well and was sweet enough to understand and be happy for us. 

This all happened in the Spring of 1999, my last few months of high school. He still had two years left. Yes, you heard that right - I am older and a cougar.

2. Our best date.

It's hard to choose one. And I don't really think it was a date so much as a trip. 

We took a long weekend trip to the coast and stayed at Lake Quinault, spending time in the Rain Forest and exploring the seaside parks. It wasn't anything glamorous or exciting but we fit in some good quality time together. We had some good food, some good laughs and it was a relaxing trip for us both. There is even a video he made of the trip so we have it to look back on. We've taken quite a few trips in our time together, but this one was very memorable.

3. Proposal.

Mike proposed in New Orleans in April of 2005. We had been together for 6 years. I had earned a trip through work and everything was paid for. I took Mike with me and we absolutely fell in love with the city. It was SO much fun. I don't think the proposal was planned much, he just carried the ring around with him one day until the moment felt right.

We stopped by Pat O'Brians for their famous Hurricane drinks (which are very alcoholic by the way!), and chose a place out in the stone courtyard. It was around our anniversary so I wasn't surprised when mike gave me a gift - a little velvet bag of loose jewels/stones he had been collecting. (I had always said I wished I had a bag of jewels, like you would find in a treasure chest.) I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had my own bag of them! 

In among the jewels was a ring. My engagement ring. Before I knew it, he was down on his knee asking me to marry him. A nearby couple stole our camera and managed to take a few pictures while the people surrounding us clapped. It was a afternoon to remember.

4. Our Wedding.

We got married  a year later in May of 2006. There were about 120 guests and it was PERFECT. Okay, there were a couple small glitches, but all in all it was fabulous.

We had a Mardigras themed wedding (for obvious reasons) so there were lots of brightly colored feathers, masks & beads in place of flowers and candles. We were married in an old theater with New Orleans jazz music and Cajun food. I have never thrown a better party.

It was romantic, fun, and we had the best time. I only wish we had the funds to do it all over again. Maybe a renewal of vows is in order...in 5 more years... :)

5. Things I Love about my Husband.

-he always leaves the toilet seat down.

-he thinks its funny when I laugh so hard I cry.

-he likes to watch Rom-Coms with me.

-he is open and friendly and can be comfortable in any setting.

-he cooks for me.

-he thinks I am pretty no matter my lack of make-up or weight.

-he remains optimistic even when I have a hard time seeing the glass half full.

-he stuck out three years of long distance and remained loyal even through the hard times.

-he lets me sleep in on the weekends without bugging me a bit.

-he is protective of my feelings and how others treat me.

-he was supportive through my 'dad' issues.

-he will be a wonderful father someday. He will be playful, loving, and strict when he needs to be.

(at my sister's wedding)

6. To Michael -

I love you completely. I am so excited to be only months away from our 5 year anniversary. The last almost 12 years has been an amazing ride and I can't wait to see what else is in store for us. Thank you for being there for me and loving me unconditionally. We don't usually place much weight in Valentine's Day, but I do want to take this day's opportunity to make sure you are reminded of my love. To tell you that you mean a lot to me and I am lucky to have you. Thank you for being my partner in life and for choosing me. We may both be working today, but I am thinking of you and can't wait to give you a big Wifey hug. Being married to you is so much fun.

Yours lovingly, Liss

* The Title to this post means "Will you be mine?" in Italian. We both really love the language. ;)

The Perfect Christmas Present

This post is inspired by Nikki at Que sera sera!, who like me, has an infatuation with Robert Pattinson. Most of you know this about me. It is partially because I unwittingly fell for the Twilight series and therefore for Edward Cullen. And partially because, well, I have a thing for Brits.

So anyway, I got an e-mail from Michael the other day that both surprised me and made me laugh. Michael is well aware of my Pattinson crush and in fact...seems to support it. At least with good humor, which I appreciate.

This was the e-mail he sent:

Vampires for Christmas?!?‏

To Alissa Cook

From: guitarist24@hotmail.com
12/04/10


So, I figured out what to get you for Christmas...

He totally said he'd do it; I called his agent.



Yeah, he knows me well, and I appreciate that.

Maybe I act like a school girl when it comes to all things Twilight and Rob, maybe I swoon like a pre-teen at a Justin Beiber concert when Edward proposes to Bella, maybe I even made a "Team Edward" shirt to wear to the premier of New Moon...

but I have a supportive husband. One who knows I love him completely and is good natured enough to not only put up with my Robert Pattinson desktop wallpaper, but to send him to me for Christmas.


For me :  this face + a British accent + plays the piano = YAY!

And of course - my husband is a "YAY" for me also.

Something Has To Be Done

Does anyone else find piles of dirty socks in their living room?

This is what I come across on a daily/weekly basis.

That is our living room coffee table.

And below it, are about three pairs of dirty, stinky, husband socks.

Our house is small and our clothes hamper is maybe 25 feet away from the living room, yet here they lie.

On a consistent basis, I have to scoop socks from under the table and haul them back to the hamper because my lovely husband decides it's too far away to travel after a long day of work.

I find this habit disgusting. And of course, yes, I have talked to him about it. Has it changed? No.

I am not sure why he takes his socks off to begin with. It's like 30 degrees outside and we keep our house luke warm. Wouldn't you want to keep your socks on? Or at the very least go get some new socks?

And lastly, why, if you are going back to the computer room or our bedroom, wouldn't you take that pile of socks with you?

In my quest to find someone else with a "sock" debacle, I came across this blog and fell in love. I am attaching a post that has me breathing a sigh of relief that I am not the only one.

One of these days my husband is going to wake up covered in his own stinky sock pile. I don't know when this is going to happen, but something has to be done.

Date Night At the Triple Door!

June 25th ~

Mike, myself and his parents decided to have a night out and went down to the Triple Door in Seattle for a sort of dinner theater. We ate good indonesian food, conversed and watched a couple of great performers. The main attraction was this guy!


His name is Andy McKee and he is amazing! He is a finger style, acoustic guitarist who writes some intricate songs and takes multi-tasking to a whole new level. When he plays it almost sounds like 2 guitarists and a drummer are performing. Somehow he finds a way to play multiple parts of a song at once and it's SO much fun to watch. On top of that he was witty and down-to-earth, making for a great show. Check him out on YouTube! If you think you know how to play the guitar, he shows you a whole new way!