Due

To my sweet, darling Angels...

Happy almost birthday.

 

"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime.

Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

~M & A~

Born - October 12, 2011

20 weeks

Estimated due date - February 26th, 2012

Our love for you knows no end.

All For You

A couple of special things happened recently. I have been gifted so much as of late - for both my healing heart and our babies' memory.

One of the people who has openly shared in my loss has been my mom. She talks about her grandbabies as if she knew them as well as I did. She reaches out and wants to keep their memory alive like I do. My mom recognizes M & A as babies, not a pregnancy or a miscarriage.

Having the twins' names written on a beach was something I thought of doing a while back. I came across a blog called Christian's Beach a month or so ago. It's written by a woman who lost her son and who wanted to reach out to others in pain by giving them a beautiful dedication. She lives near a beach in Australia and goes out each evening to write names in the sand to post on her webpage. It's a small but touching gesture to see your child's name somewhere beautiful and tangible. She does this for free, but requires a donation to have the jpeg photo sent to you for printing.

I never followed up on this, as I was still fumbling through my mess of a heart. Let's be honest, I still am.

My mom did this without my even mentioning it to her. She found the site all on her own and had M & A put on the list of children to be remembered.

On January 20th, Carly set out at sunset, in another part of the world, to honor our Michael and Alena. My mom made the donation so we could receive the rights to the prints for our memory book.

"At the end of the day, all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."

Thank you mom...for loving them as I loved them. For wanting them as we wanted them. For missing and remembering them in a way that touches my heart. M & A will live on as long as we give them time and space to be. You are helping me do that and I am grateful.

Also: one of my dear friends Katie was finally able to get us our belated Christmas gift. But moreover, it was a birthday present for the twins. A very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. Through it all, she's been a good friend and someone I have been able to open up to completely. She's let me talk about my pain and she's kept me distracted when I needed it. Katie was also one of the first people to ask to see pictures of the twins.

I wanted to give her a space on my blog to say Thank You for her continued support and care. And now for this beautiful gift to remember M & A.

I am gathering little by little, the pieces of my broken heart and with each tear I hope to come a fraction closer to being 'okay'. I will keep finding ways to love them and be their mommy even as they play as angels now. It's all I can do and it has to be enough.

Thank you to those who are helping me remember them.

A Song From Mom

I've got another song for you my friends.

A fellow blogger sent me a link to this song and I don't know how I missed it since I am a fan of the group Daughtry.

For anyone who has had a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant loss - your words and feelings are beautifully put into music. I still connect deeply to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, but this song is much more specific to our loss.

I love how music can really make you feel included. That all-encompassing loneliness doesn't feel so overwhelming when you hear that someone has written a song that has touched millions.

Take a moment and listen. It's a beautiful tribute to our 'gone too soon' babies.


Daughtry - Gone Too Soon






I love you every day, Michael and Alena.

And Now...A Song

This is a new music video for the song 'A Thousand Years'. It's part of the Twilight Breaking Dawn soundtrack. Although it's meant as a love song for the two main characters - the words meant something different for me.

I thought it was not only beautiful, but the lyrics had me tearing up.

I felt like they were the words that have been in my head since I started this journey to become a parent. They are what I would say to Michael and Alena and to the baby that will hopefully come to us in the future.


Please excuse the ad at the beginning, you should be able to click the x to make it go away . Please take a listen and send a warm thought to our angel twins.







Christina Perri - A Thousand Years


(Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

(Pre-chorus)
One step closer


(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more


(Verse 2)
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer


(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer

One step closer


(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

A Letter

A Letter to my Babies – *spoken into a recorder during the first trimester, to be included in Michael and Alena's baby book. I was finally able to write it down and decided they should still have it even though they are gone.*

Hello my little nuggets, it’s your mommy.

You are only about 9 weeks and 2 days now. You are no bigger than the size of a grape. A grape with a heart beat - which is amazing because you have arms, legs, feet and toes already. You have everything that’s important.

It’s still a little bit crazy for me to believe this is even real, because right now I am not showing and you are so tiny. You feel like more of an idea than a reality for me…but I’ve seen you. It amazes me every time. And a small part of me wondered if I would ever have the chance to see you, yet there you are!

Your daddy and I love you already. We’ve known you were with us from the very beginning – in fact, we picked you out. You were the two little embryos that fought the hardest to thrive and grow. We knew you were strong and determined and that you would fight to stay with us…and we were right.

We are so excited and so proud of you already. It’s strange to be this proud of someone you haven’t even met. You fought to be part of our family until you were big enough to be put back where you belong. You made it possible for me to experience what it was like to create another human. Even though you are growing alongside each other, I know you will be completely unique and individual.

I think this pregnancy will be a very interesting and exciting road for us and I am positive you are going to be good friends. Maybe not right away.  :) You might fight and have to learn to share or maybe grow-up with the same friends. You may have to be in the same classes or may like the same guys (or girls), in which case I hope you are a boy and a girl so we have a few less ‘situations’ during your teenage years.

Either way, I know you are going to be friends and that you will love each other. You will be grateful one day that you have each other even if it’s hard sometimes. Because I know what it’s like to be at odds with your sibling for a period of your life and also how close you can become later when you come to realize how important family is. You may not know that for a while and it may take some time to grasp the notion that family is the most important and wonderful thing you have. My sister and I are different in a lot of ways and we didn’t always see eye to eye, but now we are best friends. I only have one sibling, as it’s possible you might…but we love each other and want to see each other all the time. We make each other laugh and understand each other, which is very special because there may not be that many people in your life to truly ‘get you’ in every way. The one thing I always wished for my own children is that they have a sibling, so they could possibly experience what I have. I know I would be much lonelier if it were just me.

So just a little advice from your mom; don’t take any of it for granted. Appreciate the family who love you and the friends who stay loyal and are there for you through everything. These are people who will see you at your worst and will still love you no matter what.

Since you are no bigger than my thumb, I will save some of the advice for when you are born.

I also wanted to thank you for sticking it out with me and believing in me: believing I will take care of you and protect you and give you whatever you need. I will do my best to take care of you while you are with me and make the best decisions I can make since I am who you have right now. As much as your dad loves you there is not much he can do to help you grow and stay safe. That’s up to me for these few months. I’ll do my best to give you every possibility, every advantage, before you are born into the world.

In fact, you both are really helping me do that. You are giving me the best gift, not just by being here and surviving, but also by making this journey incredible from the very beginning. So far I haven’t had a day of sickness and that is something to be happy about. You have been so good to me in the symptom department and I am thankful. I can sit out on a warm day and enjoy the sun without feeling nauseated or go about my day at work without worrying about the proximity of a bathroom. So far, there has been no bleeding or anything to make me overly worry about you. So far, you’ve made this pregnancy very enjoyable – something I didn’t necessarily anticipate. After all the pain and difficulty it took to get you here, I am so grateful that I can feel good right now and that I am able to enjoy the small changes in my body as you grow. I am able to spend valuable time with our friends before you grace us with your presence and I can get out and enjoy our short summer weather. Some women are sick for much of their pregnancy or are put on bed rest and can’t fully enjoy this beautiful phase of motherhood.

Even through this wonder of a pregnancy, I worry about you. I worry that I am not sick and think that maybe I should be since that is what seems normal. But mostly I feel lucky. Lucky because I’m not sick and because a lot of women haven’t been given the gift that I’ve been given. There are couples who are still struggling to create a baby (let alone two) and I know how they feel. We gave it everything we had and came out on the other side with our biggest wish granted.

We have a family that gave us the support we needed and every advantage that they could. One day you will see how lucky you are, to not only have two determined and stubborn parents who wouldn’t give up, but to also have three loving grandparents. You have three grandparents who have given everything they could to make you part of our family and who have been waiting patiently to meet you.

You have three aunts who will dote on you and be around to help raise you. You’ll have cousins to play with and a lot of ‘adopted’ aunts and uncles who are so eager to get to know you. You have so many loving and wonderful people in your life already and we are lucky to have such a great support system. These are all people who have been with your dad and me from the beginning and know how much we wanted you and how long we waited for you.

We’ve been rooting for you from the time you were little clusters of cells – my sweet twinnies. And now you are growing (with amazing speed) into two babies. You were exactly what we wanted and I am so happy to have gotten to this point. I am so grateful to be able to get to know you from the inside out.

I know there may be challenges to come and that carrying both of you could be difficult down the road. There could be many things to worry about in this double pregnancy, but I will try to stay calm and provide you with the least amount of stress possible. I’ll send you good thoughts, surround you with as much love as I can and hopefully it will be enough to bring you out safely.

Your dad and I will be working to make sure that your childhood will be a happy, secure one and even if there are challenges we have to face as a family, I know that we’ll get through it together.

This is going to be quite a journey and you are incredibly loved already. I can’t see much of you yet, but I can feel you. I can feel your presence and hear your heartbeats, strong and fast. And I am patiently waiting for the day that I will get to see your faces and hear you cry. I am excited to hold you and call you by your names.

You have a doggie to play with and vacations to look forward to. You have a cousin who you can learn from and a new house where we’ll snuggle each night.

I know how strong you are and how hard you worked to make it to us…and I’m confident that with all of us working together, we’ll be a family by March. Although I am also confident that you will be ready for us before then and make your appearance as February babies.

Someday you will know what it took to get you here, someday I will tell you about this unbelievable process. There are a lot of people in our lives who still don’t know the path we took for you and many who don’t even know about you yet. That will come in a few more weeks and I am so excited to tell them! I know my life will change completely, but I am so ready. We’ve been waiting for you my darling babies!

I’ve taken advantage and enjoyed our time as a single couple, but now that you are really here…really on your way to see us…I am on the edge of my seat. Take your time now! Don’t rush yourselves, but know that we are so very happy that you found your way to us. You have such love waiting for you.

Some people take their children for granted and don’t appreciate their blessing. They don’t know what it would be like if they couldn’t have it. And as hard as this journey has been, it’s made us see with more clarity. In turn, we will see you and what you mean more clearly.

I look forward to every ultrasound appointment and every milestone we reach. Getting to see you grow from a speck on the monitor to an infant will be such a moving experience and I will have pictures and videos of it all. These are things you too will get to see someday.

You are already, as the size of two grapes, draining my energy and making me oh so sleepy. But I am happy. You mean so much to us.

Thank you for making me a mom.

I love you my little ones.

12 Years

April 8th marks 12 years of happiness with the same man.

Michael and I will have been together 12 years - yes your math is correct - we were 16 & 18!

It's been one hell of a ride and one that makes me smile from ear to ear.

For our anniversary, we packed up our singing voices and headed out to the Snoqualmie Casino for a flash back to the 90's.

It was a time of young love, summer drives, and country music.

Yes people, country at it's best. Circa 1996-1999.

We've seen Diamond Rio a couple of other times and just love their style and harmonies. So, since they just might have been our first concert together (back in the day at the King County Fair) we decided it would be perfect to top off year number 12.

We had a blast, as did the largely inebriated casino crowd, and sang our little hearts out.

The video I am going to post is of their last song. My favorite song. And one that totally defined our love at the time. This video is in true early 90's form with overalls and mullets. It's classic and SO much fun.

Give it a listen and bop your head. Come on....I know you want to!



You were a good boyfriend my love. Thanks for 12 fun-filled years!

Valentine's Day With The Hubs

Our Valentine's Day was pretty uneventful, as we both had to work...but it was still nice.

After I got home from work and running a couple errands, I got ready for my 1st Zumba class.

They have one of these aerobics classes twice a week at my local community center. I had seen the class before and was interested in trying it out.

It's a combination of different ethnic dances to complimentary music and was supposed to really burn those calories. Now I am all for doing exercise that is 'outside of the box' and will keep me entertained for an hour. With my dance background I thought that this class just might be for me.

Well after trying it for an evening I can tell you that I was not very impressed. It would probably be great for non-dancers or people who are uncoordinated and need something simple to learn. For me, it was boring. But it's more than that...because I can see the purpose of repetitive movement in fitness classes. I just didn't work-up that much of a sweat and I was probably moving more than most of the women in the class (who I have to add were all over 45-50). I liked that I wasn't dancing with a bunch of in shape 20 year olds, don't get me wrong! I just felt that the class was too easy for me.

Also, a major factor was that the instructors didn't seem to know the routines that well. Often times I found myself stepping in place until one of them figured out what same next in the sequence of moves. Other times, they would be doing different moves and I didn't know who to follow. I am not sure if they were the full time instructors, if they were filling in temporarily (since it was V-day), or if they were just struggling with remembering what was next. Either way, it was annoying to have people leading who seemed as clueless as I was.

The dances mostly consisted of different types of Latin dancing, belly dancing and Bollywood. All of which I thoroughly enjoy! I just think that this particular group is not for me.

Ah well! I did sign up for a fitness center pass so I can get back in the gym. And I will have a good time watching the classes dancing it up while I pump iron.

After the class I ran home to get some veggies a-cookin' and set up the sushi and wine for our Valentine's Day dinner. It was a quick fix since we had both just gotten home around 6:30 and were starving.

Mike brought me home some some pretty red roses and we exchanged cards. Simple but thoughtful. And after dinner was over we shared a cupcake, looked through our wedding memory box and a scrapbook I made us back in 2000. It's fun to pour over letters, e-mails, cards and photos from 10 years ago and see how far you have come as a couple.

(yes, that is us in the Wedding Expo magazine!)

From there we simply sat together and watched Dinner for Schmucks. I can't even describe this movie very well or how I feel about it. Some parts were hilarious, but the majority of it was painful. Steve Carell's character is SO weird and clingy. I just felt uncomfortable and annoyed a lot of the time. Mike seemed to be enjoying it, but I could barely sit through to the end.



Well that's all I got folks!

Our Valentines Day in a nutshell! I hope yours was at the very least relaxing.



Si Sara La Mia

Well it's Valentine's Day and the best topic to discuss for today is L.O.V.E - & my hubby of course!

So in honor of my lovely (handsome) husband I will write a post completely about him. This is also a link-up to my sister's blog challenge You & Your Valentine.

1. How we met.

Michael and I met the first time through my sis Mandy. They were friends (in high school) and were at our house before a Tolo dance taking photos, as I was with my date/friend. Little did I know that HER date would end up being my husband! :)

The second time we met was during Track & Field practice where I realized that we were both competing in the Long Jump. We started talking and hanging out casually (I was getting over an ex) and just seemed to click. The more we hung out the more we liked hanging out and one thing led to another.

It was a little awkward at first since he was my sister's friend and I didn't want to be 'stealing' him away from her. But she was my friend as well and was sweet enough to understand and be happy for us. 

This all happened in the Spring of 1999, my last few months of high school. He still had two years left. Yes, you heard that right - I am older and a cougar.

2. Our best date.

It's hard to choose one. And I don't really think it was a date so much as a trip. 

We took a long weekend trip to the coast and stayed at Lake Quinault, spending time in the Rain Forest and exploring the seaside parks. It wasn't anything glamorous or exciting but we fit in some good quality time together. We had some good food, some good laughs and it was a relaxing trip for us both. There is even a video he made of the trip so we have it to look back on. We've taken quite a few trips in our time together, but this one was very memorable.

3. Proposal.

Mike proposed in New Orleans in April of 2005. We had been together for 6 years. I had earned a trip through work and everything was paid for. I took Mike with me and we absolutely fell in love with the city. It was SO much fun. I don't think the proposal was planned much, he just carried the ring around with him one day until the moment felt right.

We stopped by Pat O'Brians for their famous Hurricane drinks (which are very alcoholic by the way!), and chose a place out in the stone courtyard. It was around our anniversary so I wasn't surprised when mike gave me a gift - a little velvet bag of loose jewels/stones he had been collecting. (I had always said I wished I had a bag of jewels, like you would find in a treasure chest.) I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had my own bag of them! 

In among the jewels was a ring. My engagement ring. Before I knew it, he was down on his knee asking me to marry him. A nearby couple stole our camera and managed to take a few pictures while the people surrounding us clapped. It was a afternoon to remember.

4. Our Wedding.

We got married  a year later in May of 2006. There were about 120 guests and it was PERFECT. Okay, there were a couple small glitches, but all in all it was fabulous.

We had a Mardigras themed wedding (for obvious reasons) so there were lots of brightly colored feathers, masks & beads in place of flowers and candles. We were married in an old theater with New Orleans jazz music and Cajun food. I have never thrown a better party.

It was romantic, fun, and we had the best time. I only wish we had the funds to do it all over again. Maybe a renewal of vows is in order...in 5 more years... :)

5. Things I Love about my Husband.

-he always leaves the toilet seat down.

-he thinks its funny when I laugh so hard I cry.

-he likes to watch Rom-Coms with me.

-he is open and friendly and can be comfortable in any setting.

-he cooks for me.

-he thinks I am pretty no matter my lack of make-up or weight.

-he remains optimistic even when I have a hard time seeing the glass half full.

-he stuck out three years of long distance and remained loyal even through the hard times.

-he lets me sleep in on the weekends without bugging me a bit.

-he is protective of my feelings and how others treat me.

-he was supportive through my 'dad' issues.

-he will be a wonderful father someday. He will be playful, loving, and strict when he needs to be.

(at my sister's wedding)

6. To Michael -

I love you completely. I am so excited to be only months away from our 5 year anniversary. The last almost 12 years has been an amazing ride and I can't wait to see what else is in store for us. Thank you for being there for me and loving me unconditionally. We don't usually place much weight in Valentine's Day, but I do want to take this day's opportunity to make sure you are reminded of my love. To tell you that you mean a lot to me and I am lucky to have you. Thank you for being my partner in life and for choosing me. We may both be working today, but I am thinking of you and can't wait to give you a big Wifey hug. Being married to you is so much fun.

Yours lovingly, Liss

* The Title to this post means "Will you be mine?" in Italian. We both really love the language. ;)

1 Year Ago - For Bennett

* This is a little something I wrote for my sister's blog and my nephew's baby book. She asked me to compose a blog/letter for his 1st birthday - something that he can read later in life. This is what I came up with...

Auntie. That’s what I became on January 26th 2010. At the time, I didn’t quite realize what that would mean to me or how my life would change. Maybe that sounds a little dramatic, but for me it was truly a turning point.

The thing is, for many years I was uncomfortable around children. I was even a little afraid that it translated into dislike. Having not been raised around kids or with any of my younger cousins, I had a hard time relating to them as I passed into adulthood.

When Mandy was pregnant I started getting excited about the prospect of a new family member. When little Bennett Roy was born, something inside me was profoundly altered. It was almost like a switch had been thrown - a light had been turned on.

The moment I was able to spend a few minutes with him, I started crying. I knew that I was utterly in love with him and my uncertainty disappeared. I had never before known the feeling of loving a child so completely.

I watched in awe as Bennett grew and thrived, as he curled his tiny fingers around my heart. He made me smile like I hadn’t smiled in a very long time. His toothless grin, all I needed to trust in my own future as a parent.

Being part of a small family has it’s advantages. It seems to make each individual all the more important. I feel that those people are not taken for granted as often, as might happen in a large family. You learn to appreciate and have the time to give each family member.

Lucky for me, my sister and brother-in-law live a mere 5 minutes away, giving me the opportunity to bond with my first and only nephew. It has been such a blessing to be able to see Bennett on a weekly basis. To not have to miss out on any of his milestones or hilarious tantrums.

I love that I am able to witness his developing sense of humor and quiet charm. That every time I come to visit, he smiles at me with a wide, knowing, 4 toothed grin. A grin that tells me he recognizes me as his family and as possibly someone he loves and trusts. I believe with all my heart that I can be that for him.

As Benny’s 1st birthday approaches, I know that his parents will long slightly for the times that were - the early months of his babyhood. Being the Auntie, I can only seem to look forward. I am excited to witness the next step in his young life and see what new discovery he makes.

At the early age of 1, Bennett has shown me how to live life and get the most out of it. He’s taught me to trust in myself and be confident in my ability to care for children. He’s made me happier just by existing and I think that is such a beautiful gift.

So for his birthday, I would like him to know how very much he means to me. I want to tell him that he will always be able to count on me. That he is a total joy in my life and I am lucky to be a part of his. He is my own personal sun, that both brings me energy and saps it away. But the warmth and light that follows him is worth everything.

I love you B.

Auntie Liss