Monday, April 30, 2012

S.T. Songs # 15 & 16

For song # 15, I give you  Sia - My Love







Song # 16 on M & A's playlist: To Where You Are - Josh Groban






Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be?

That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching over me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Sunday, April 29, 2012

S.T. Songs # 13 & 14

Back to the next two songs on M & A's playlist. I am a little behind, but we're getting closer.

Song # 13  Gerrit Hofsink




I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Lost you . . .


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the next song, we'll go back to a little country music. The song is just beautiful and I love that I have seen this band live a couple of times. This song reflects that need in you that yearns for just ONE more day with the one you love and how one more day is never enough.


S.T. Song #14  Diamond Rio - One More Day





Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Friday, April 27, 2012

Another Hard Goodbye

Yesterday was hard. Well the last few days were hard.

My hubby's family lost their family dog, Kodi.

His parents called us earlier in the week to tell us that they were taking him in to get his leg looked at by the vet. It seems that it was swelling up and poor Kodi was in a lot of pain. There was even blood coming through his skin somehow!

The vet did an ultrasound of the muscle since they already knew it wasn't a bone issue. We all thought it was something with his joints since it was known that Kodi had troubles with arthritis. But things weren't adding up. It was found that our Kodi dog had a huge tumor in his hip. It had a large blood supply and was wreaking havoc on his body. They couldn't operate and it would surely make his life miserable, not being able to walk and causing severe pressure.

We were told on Wednesday that Kodi wold have to be put down. So with heavy hearts, Mike's parents made an appointment for Friday and let us know we should come see him Thursday evening to say goodbye.

Well Wednesday night the doggie was having a very, very hard night. Mike's mom told us that he was crying and the pain meds weren't helping him enough. She made the decision to move the appointment up to Thursday afternoon. She couldn't take another night of his suffering.

This would mean that Mike and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. It was hard for us, and especially Mike to not have this chance, but it was more important that Kodi be put out of his pain. I was the smallest bit relieved because I don't think I could have stood seeing him, knowing he would be gone in a matter of hours. This way Mike and I can remember him healthy and happy.



We went over to visit with his parents that evening to try to distract them a bit. His mom was very sad and his dad had been the one to take Kodi to the vet so they both were in a tough place. We were able to chat about a few other things and remember him fondly, even cry a little. He really was a big part of the family.


We brought Charlie over so he could console Mike's parents and as predicted, he stayed by my mother-in-law's side all night. He cuddled and made sure he layed by her whenever we were sitting on the couch. Dogs have such an amazing ability to know who needs them. It's like a sixth sense.

Sometime after dinner, I started getting picture text messages from my mom and sister. They had both seen rainbows that evening. They sent us the photo proof that M & A were welcoming Kodi and letting us know he was okay. I think this made Mike's mom happy. Me? I wasn't surprised a bit.


Rest in peace sweet Kodi. Your family loves you and we hope you are happy and playing with the twins.



Monday, April 9, 2012

I Am...

Today marks 13 years with my husband. We started dating at the end of high school and well...here we are. Married for almost 6 years and still loving each other. The last 3 years have been hard. They've been challenging and trying and heartbreaking.

For a couple who have been together so long, not having a child by now feels very incomplete. We took our time in becoming engaged and spent 3 years enjoying married life, only growing our family was not in the cards for us. I'm not sure why this part of our journey has had to be so devastating or why we were 'blessed' to be the 1 out of 8 couples plagued with infertility. I'm not sure why my egg developing ovaries and darn good uterus can't pull it together to give us a baby.

What I am sure of, is Mike.

We have our squabbles and the silent issues that the past few years bestowed upon us, but there isn't a moment I think about giving up. I know he will be in my corner no matter what our future holds and doesn't blame me for what we are going through. This is huge for me, because honestly I carry enough blame around myself. It kills me to see his arms empty after being so close to parenthood. I feel responsible quite often and knowing his love for me allows me to let that blame go for a while.

I know that being a parent is tough, but after the hell of these last few months I know we can handle anything. If I have him to back me up and to lean on, I will be okay. I don't know 100% that we will indeed become parents to a living child, but if it ever comes to a life without...we will find a way to deal with it together.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night. There were a couple of storylines that have grabbed me lately and I was a bit surprised at which of them pulled at me the most. Instead of the 25 week gestation preemie barely holding on for dear life, it was Teddy's storyline about trying to accept her husband's death.




During Teddy's grief group meeting, the councilor told her to admit to herself that she was a widow. She's been avoiding the emotions that would arise after facing this hard fact. I can identify with this somewhat.

Facing yourself in the mirror and saying it all out loud is very difficult. I dread ever having to say the word 'widow' myself, but someday it may come. For now, just saying 'my babies are dead' is hard enough. I can barely even say 'dead', choosing to switch out 'passed away' or 'gone'. But that is the reality.

What do I even call myself? Obviously I'm not a widow because that means my spouse died. If my husband and I had died, any living children I had would be orphans. There seems to be a name for those kinds of losses, but not for a parent who has lost a child.

There IS no name or word for what I am. There are new names with-in our small infertility and bereaved circles like 'babylost' or 'babyloss mom'. But there is no label widely known. If people ask you if you are married, but you have lost a spouse, you can tell them you are a widow.

I can't really say, without explaining, that I am 'babylost'.

This just further proves that there isn't a secure place in society for the pain of losing a baby. It's not spoken of enough (even though it obviously happens), to warrant a label. I guess no one wants to acknowledge it. So what do I tell people when they ask if I have kids? Because it happens a lot.

I have debated about this for the last 5+ months and haven't really decided the best answer for this question. It doesn't seem right to say that I don't have kids and disregard the lives of M & A. I had to cremate them for godsake...they were here. They had bodies and hearts and my love.

On the otherhand, saying that I do have kids invites more questions and possibly some awkward explanations and dead air. Strangers or acquaintances don't want to hear I am babylost - that is bound to be uncomfortable.


I am just going to have to make a split decision I guess. So far I have made a huge effort to avoid or divert these possible questions. I will say a quick 'no' and change the subject or ask a question far removed from parenthood. Sometimes I won't even answer the question at all and I probably seem like a weirdo who doesn't listen.

There is no real point to this post, just a lot of things I've been thinking about over the last two days. Thoughts about my little family of two and how I view myself right now. Do I consider myself a mom even though I don't parent? Do others think of me as having children? Who do I think of as being part of my family? Did the twins live long enough for me to feel right in telling people that, yes I have two babies?

This is such a strange place to be.

Thank God I am not a Widow.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My Heart Holds Seven Colors

This was Seattle today. April 3rd, 2012.





This photo was taken by a local photographer who happens to live near Lake Washington and was in prime position to see this miraculous sight over the I-90 bridge.


I have said it over and over again that the rainbows here in Washington have been insane recently. I know it has to do with our Spring season and the rain to sun ratio, but it has been truly a sight to behold.

Let me lay this out for you in numbers people.

Sunday, the day a friend told me of her miscarriage - a day when I was mourning her loss right along with her...a rainbow behind my house. Of course I told her that M & A were sending me a message that I believed I was supposed to deliver to her. Her baby was okay.

Tuesday? Not two days later~

Three text messages...

Five pictures and comments left to me on my Face.book...

Two messages left to me through blog.ger...

One e-mail....

Eleven total people saw a rainbow at different locations in the Seattle/Eastside area Tuesday and contacted me to tell me M & A showed up for them. I was blown away by the outpouring of love and thoughts both from my babies and for them.

Even as I sit here now, I am stunned that so many were touched by this beautiful sight and thought to let me know. I am actually pretty surprised that I didn't see one myself, but I suppose they wanted some attention from their loved ones this time. And perhaps...just maybe, they gathered their angel friends together in an attempt to reach all of us who miss them. That might explain all the rainbow sightings at once.

My 'rainbow log' is getting long already and it's only been 5-ish months. I am only noting when either myself or my husband sees one. If I logged when all my friends and family spotted one, a page would be filled by month's end. I am getting it situated to be an inclusion in M & A's memory book and will show you what that page looks like when I am ready.

It really and truly warms my heart to get all these lovely messages and photos every time someone sees a rainbow. It brings tears to my eyes to realize that my twins are here with us and that they are being thought of by more than just me. It brings a calming peace, a flutter to my heart.

I need to say thank you. Thank you to those in real life who have gone out of their way to tell me when Michael and Alena came to them. Thank you to those in blog-land who have helped me keep their memories alive and who assist in my healing with every comment and kind word. This might have been the hardest, most painful time in my life, but it's also put more love in my heart than I could have imagined.

I love you my rainbow twins - thank you for being such a huge presence to my eyes and my aching heart.
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