Sunday, March 25, 2012

S.T. Songs # 11 & 12

Took a little break there for a minute! But I'm back to give you two more songs from Michael and Alena's soundtrack.

No words are needed to explain the first one.


Song # 11 Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven




Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

*************************
Song # 12 on M & A's playlist is one that marks the pain of the hard days. I chose to put this song on the soundtrack because although it is dedicated to my twins, I wanted to express the moments when I just need to fall apart. The ones where I need someone to pick me up and protect me from my own thoughts and memories. There are times when I deliberately bring myself pain. I know that looking at their pictures or working on the memory book while in a certain mood will drag me down. There are times that I want to feel sad. I don't want to lose the few memories I have, so I dig them up.


This song reflects that. It speaks to those random moments of scratching off the scab. The moments that I most need someone to just breath for me so I can get through it and find the 'up' side again.

Song # 12  Sia - Breath me
 




Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Friday, March 16, 2012

S.T. Song # 9 & 10

I tried to move away from the sadness a little bit in these two songs and focus on the pressure of love in my heart for Michael and Alena. I want them to know the sweet, motherly love I have for them beyond the tears of their passing.


# 9 Adele - Make You Feel My Love





When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love


*Note: I love the Garth Brooks version, but Adele is so powerful that I decided to go with her.


My heart is warm with thoughts of my children. The next song on M & A's playlist reflect the intense feelings I had when I finally got to hold them. The words are a good interpretation of what I saw when I looked at their tiny lips and fingers. Of how I felt about them to my core and how I know I would have felt about them, had they lived.


# 10  Sleeping At Last - Turning Page






I've waited a hundred years,
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for,
What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch.
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough.
Oh I would've known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
Where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line.
Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Oh I would've known what I've been living for, all along
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas,
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

S.T. Song # 7 & 8

I'm back to give you the next two songs from M & A's soundtrack! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I'm really glad you are enjoying this healing experience with me. Honestly, I've been a feeling a little removed or far away from the twins lately. Is there a numb stage of grief? The pain of their loss does hit me randomly here and there, but mostly it just seems like a dream to me at the moment. Like I was never pregnant at all. Like I never held them and looked into their faces. I guess this is a good thing...but in this numbness, there seems to be sadness too. A sadness that it feels like I am growing away from M & A. I want to hold on for dear life.

I guess this is the way it goes and I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, hoping that the feeling will become more comfortable.

There isn't much to say about the songs below. They are songs I sing often and with tears of love.


# 7 on the playlist is sort of sad and beautiful. There actually aren't that many words to the song but the chorus is lovely. The harmonies and gentle guitar music that accompany make it one I wish my husband and I could have sung to M & A. The lullaby feel to it always gets me swaying and thinking of my angels.


Song # 7 Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars - Safe & Sound




I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Oohhh.



  # 8 Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

(Please excuse the ad)



 
 
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Monday, March 12, 2012

S.T. Song # 5 & 6

Someone once shared this song with me and it's stuck with me since. Matt Hammitt is part of a christian band and I don't listen much to that genre of music, but after hearing his personal story - it just fit. His son was born with a heart defect that had his family and the doctors unsure if he would make it. They almost lost the baby.

Matt wrote this song for his son. I think it applies beautifully to Michael and Alena and to any baby we may be lucky enough to meet in the future.

The lyrics are included in the video. Thanks for loving them with me.


# 5 Matt Hammitt - All Of Me





The next song on M & A's playlist is one I've posted before and I think it is the one that most reflects my feelings over the loss of my babies. I've always loved Daughtry and his song about miscarriage and baby loss is so moving. He and his wife conceived twins through the help of a gestational carrier after his wife had to have a partial hysterectomy. I just think the emotion that comes through in this song is beautiful. I don't need to highlight any one part of the song at all.


Please enjoy # 6 - Gone Too Soon





Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother,
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes,
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

5 Months Gone

Lately I have been trying really hard to just ignore all the pain and do things for myself - things that might make me happy. Because let's be honest, there are a lot of reasons not to be. Reason upon reason to hide away in my bed and come out only to go to work, eat, and pee. I know this is not how to come back to life or how to honor M & A.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.

Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they lived...so it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.

My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.

I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.

In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.

I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.

I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.

I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.

We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.

Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.

It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at Cost.co and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.

The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.

The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.

So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Soundtrack's 3 & 4

The first song for today from M & A's soundtrack ( see link if you missed that post ) is one that I've been able to relate to both before I was pregnant and after. Some of the lyrics really hit home now as I remember the twins. I've always liked Coldplay and this song in particular. You can choose how you want to perceive the lyrics, which is always good. Right now I read into them as a mother who's lost her babies. My husband may hear them as his words to me.

Enjoy.

(I'm sorry about the ad...you should be able to skip it after a few seconds.)


# 3 Coldplay - Fix You




When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you that I will learn from mistakes.
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

*********

The 4th song from M & A's soundtrack is one that I find both sad and beautiful. It's more like a song from the viewpoint of the one(s) who have passed away, then the ones still here. I think that some of the words could have easily been ones M & A would have spoken, had I been able to hear them.


Song # 4 The Band Perry - If I Die Young




If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Soundtrack

It's finished.

Michael and Alena's soundtrack.

It took me a while to put together this set of songs. They had to be just right.

There was a reason behind each song and they had an impact on me differently along my journey. Some have touched me in ways of our struggle to conceive and the loss of my ability to reach my dream (so far). While other songs deal with my pain and sadness over M & A's loss. Still others reflect the things I would sing/say to them if they were here. A couple of the songs are ones that remind me of them and how I remember them.

I decided not to post a list of the 'soundtrack' songs I chose, but instead want to reveal them on here one by one. I'll start from the beginning and try to post 2 songs at a time, for a total of 9 posts. If I can find a music video or audio version of the song, I'll post that so you can hear them - along with the lyrics since I know some of these artists do not enunciate. I may highlight some of the lyrics that speak to me the most, which will point-out the reason for my choosing a certain song. This will allow me something to keep busy and share the music that means something to me.

Some of the songs you have heard and I may have already posted on my blog in the last few months. Instead of trying to find the post where it's already located, I'll repost anew (since it's easier for me).

~ I would love for you to listen with an open heart and join me on this journey of mourning and healing. It has helped me to collect these beautiful songs and bring them together. If you have had any kind of loss and want a copy of the soundtrack for yourself, I'll be open to mailing out a CD once I've posted the 19 songs. ~

#1 Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That






Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.


# 2 Josh Groban - You Are Loved





Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved

Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard

You are loved


Love you M & A
~ mommy
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