Friday, October 12, 2012

Our 1st Angelversary

To my sweet babies Michael and Alena,

October 12th marks a whole year lived without you.

Even as your little brother grows with-in me, I miss you tremendously. More than I can ever say.

But I love you more than I can say too.

My love for you both has never quieted or calmed - it beats in my heart every moment of every day. I think of you with the beginning of each day and the darkness of each night, always wishing I could hold you for just one more moment. Wishing I could touch your tiny noses and feet...whispering "I love you's".

It's been one whole year since I last felt you moving inside me and I can hardly believe it. My breath catches in my throat just thinking about it. You really were my dream come true my angels. Everything I did, every thought in my mind for two years before your conception was focused on bringing you to me. Even though your fate was never something I could have imagined, I am so happy to have known you for the time I was given. Those five months of carrying you were some of the happiest I have had and I didn't take one day for granted.

The morning I went into the hospital in labor, and the nurses told me that you would not be coming home with me was the most heartbroken I have ever been. It felt like someone had pulled my heart right out of my chest and slowly crushed it to nothing. I remember every second of that 24 hours like it was yesterday.

I remember asking to see you on the ultrasound before delivery so I would have an idea of how much time I might have with you. I remember your daddy talking to you through my belly one last time while we knew you could both hear. The delivery, naming you, saying goodbye to my first sweet daughter, spending time with both you and our family as the first of the rainbows made it's appearance....all things I can vividly picture in my head.

Yes my dears, it was a day filled with sorrow and tears. It was a day to both say hello and goodbye, but it was also a day I became a real mother. It was the first time we knew what it felt like to be parents, to love unconditionally, and make the kinds of difficult decisions that come along with creating lives. We had never known the kind of pain that was felt that day, but we'd also never known that kind of love either.

Every time I see a rainbow I smile and my heart grows warm knowing you are still with me. Every time someone mentions your names, I feel proud that you were mine. I adore you in a way that maybe goes over-the-top, but I don't care. To me, you are perfect.

I am so grateful you had each other through it all. You didn't spend more than a couple of minutes apart in all the time that you existed. And to this day, you have each other in every way - you will never be alone and that is another reason for me to smile.

It hasn't been an easy thing to get through. The loss of our first borns was sometimes more than I felt I could handle. Getting to finally hold you in my arms, only to have to let you go mere hours later was harder than I can say. But through the tears I knew you were an immense blessing - one I could never forget. You changed me in so many ways, gave me a deeper empathy for others and helped me learn to appreciate each day as it comes. Sure, there are times now that I feel the heavy weight of a new reality. I'm no longer naive and this experience has not just shaken me but instilled a wariness I may not fully rid myself of. I feel I've aged five years in just four short seasons.

Through everything, I regret very little.

I regret you are not home with us and that you weren't given the chance to become the wonderful people I know you would have been.

I regret you won't get to meet your little brother, who grew along-side you for five days and who will grow-up saying your names.

I regret that I didn't have more time to hold and kiss you before I let you go.

The thing I will never regret is choosing you, loving you, or being your mom.

We were robbed of so much where you are concerned, but we've also been incredibly lucky to have the two of you as our own personal angels.

I wish were were celebrating your one year birthday today and that it was filled with smiling family and loads of presents. I wish I knew what you would look like and what your first words would be. We should be pushing you both in a stroller on these sunny fall afternoons, not baking a cake we'll be eating by ourselves.

We did get you something to celebrate what will always be your day. My precious twinnies, you are not just part of every rainbow we see, but now a permanent part of our sky.

You have your own star located in the constellation of Cassiopeia. A star with the lovely name of Michael & Alena. Your dad and I wanted to be able to look up at night and wish upon your star. We wanted to honor you by getting you something unique and beautiful.

To us, that is what you are. Unique and beautiful.

I hope you can hear me at night when I tell you how sorry I am. I hope you realize the profound impact you had on us and how much we love you. I will always find ways to remember you and to be your mom. It might be more for me than you, but it's important to me to believe it really means something.

I'll do my best to be strong for you today - to smile instead of cry.

I'll try to celebrate you instead of mourn your being gone.

I can't promise tears won't fall or that I won't be sad. Your pictures and mementos will probably come out and I may curl up with your bears for a bit, but mostly I will be sending you my love. That you can be sure of.

Happy Angelversary M & A. We love you so, so much.



* Dedicated to my son and daughter...

Monday, August 20, 2012

20 Weeks!

At twenty weeks (3 days), little Raspberry is the length of a banana and is about 10 inches from head to heal. Mmm....banana's and peanut butter...

* Belly - It's grown a bit, but mostly looks the same as last week. My uterus is up to my belly button now and is definitely pushing things up and out. I have started feeling more ligament pain around the sides and bottom of my tummy, which if I'm honest sort of freaks me out. I know it's natural, but I had confused some of my previous contractions with ligament pain before, so I am keeping alert to any changes in the type of pain. I really wish I were one of those people who didn't feel the cramping/pulling sensations from growth, just for sanity reasons. Besides that, little boy is really making his presence known. I feel him randomly throughout the day and evenings rolling around and bumping me. It's a strange and fun experience to be talking to someone and have Raz send me a surprise punch. My hubby has yet to feel a good kick as baby is not very predictable.

* Weight gain - I think I am around 4.5 lbs up. I am right on track so far to stay between 15-20lbs. I want most all my gain to be baby and baby's housing. (More on this later!)

* Symptoms - Sleeping has become a small challenge - and I say small because I know it will get worse. I have taken to cuddling with my body pillow and trying to sleep on my sides exclusively, but I often wake up on my back because my hips hurt. We have a great memory foam mattress pad, but I am still super sore in the mornings after a lot of tossing and turning. I also wake up 4-6 times a night, which isn't abnormal but causes me to never really get to a deep restful sleep. I guess I am becoming better prepared to be doing night feedings and diaper changes. My hair is still falling out and I am surprised I have any left sometimes. Progesterone really messes around with your body. It probably doesn't help that I am injecting extra on top of what my body is producing. Bras have become pretty darn uncomfortable and it's really nice to be able to go braless or use a sports bra at home. I am not someone that just walks around the house without a bra normally, my boobs need support. I need to find one that works for these next few months, but when you are a D cup size, none of the wireless really do the job.

* Cravings - frozen grapes, ice cream/froyo, and corn on the cob.

* Clothes - Mostly maternity now unless I sport one of my stretchy skirts. The long maxi skirt that I got from Old Na.vy is really comfy and is the same material as my pajama pants, so that is what I usually wear when I get the chance.

* Gender - It's a bouncing baby boy! We've seen the turtle many times now.  :)

* Meds - 17 Hydroxyprogesterone in oil, 1 ml once a week (Mondays). Also - atenolol, baby aspirin, Prevacid, and vitamins stay the same.

* Mood - Things are going mostly okay in this department. The majority of my days are good and I feel content. The evenings are hard and I spend a lot of time before bed (bad me!) fretting about Raz and sad that I couldn't do something to change the outcome of M & A's lives. At 19 weeks 6 days, I was a mess. I decided to call into work that Friday so that I could calm down a bit and find peace. Hubby and I spent the day together, went to our 20 week ultrasound and then to dinner. By Saturday I was feeling better and had restored some hope. I even bought Raz a sleeper sack and went through some of baby Michael's clothes to determine what I would keep for his brother. Since I had not gotten a ton, I figured I would keep most of it.

The trick came when I came across Alena's things. Luckily I have many gal-pals having girls currently and have been giving them a thing or two of Alena's as a way to keep her things with people we love. I am keeping two of her outfits to hang in Raspberry's closet (at least for now), but will be gradually finding new homes for the girly things we still have. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am more ready to take care of these last few things before starting in on decorating the nursery. I am reprogramming my brain to accept that this is Raspberry's room now, even though the memories of M & A are still very present.

* Appointments - My 20 week anatomy scan was Friday. Mike was able to come to this one and we really enjoyed seeing baby boy moving around. It's so neat to have a window into your belly! The u/s tech was one I had before and she is pretty fun to hang with. She is very outgoing and told us everything she was measuring and took a lot of time zeroing in on the heart. It's so amazing to see that little organ working away, pumping blood through all the chambers. At one point Raz basically folded himself in half into a yoga pose with his legs stretched over his head. It was one for the books people! Maybe I'll have an Olympic gymnast on my hands! Check it out -

According to the measurements he was about 4 days ahead of schedule and weighing around 14 oz. He is ahead of the game, which is great. I remember baby Michael being 11.3 oz at birth (at 20 weeks) and even though I know that is just fine for a twin, it is nice to know Raz is strong. My cervical measurements all look good as well as the placenta positioning, so I am still holding up. I just have to decide if I want to continue weekly appointments or scale back to every two weeks. I can't decide honestly. It would be great to save some time and money, but I am not sure if I can deliberately cancel next week's appointment. Time will tell.

They sent me home with a DVD recording of the whole ultrasound so we could show our parents. We took it over to my in-laws last night and they enjoyed seeing their grandson flipping around.

* Special moment - Being able to talk about possible time lines for the baby shower. I couldn't seem to get beyond that, but it's a step forward. We are looking at the beginning of November and it's surreal.

And let's not ignore the moment I passed into 20 weeks 1 day. I am officially the farthest I've been in a pregnancy. Yay me!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A Day of Hope

Today, along with many other grieving parents and family members, I think of my twins.

Carly Marie's Day of Hope is just another wonderful day of tribute to those babies and children lost to us too soon. Whether you lost a child by miscarriage, preterm labor, in the NICU or just want to speak out about infertility - this is a powerful outlet.

Here is what Carly has to say...

"... August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore."

You can follow the link to her blog and participate on Facebook or through your blog if you like. I did. Just head to CarlyMarie Project Heal.

M & A ~ Mommy and Daddy (& baby brother) love you very much. We remember you always.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Open Up

I'm feeling a bit more emotional these days.

Yes, I have raging hormones coursing through me and yes, I am taking meds that probably don't help a ton.

But this time is different than last time. This time around I am not just an expectant mother, but a grieving mother as well. They are very conflicting feelings.

I am dealing as best as I can and do believe that I dealt with as many of the M & A emotions as I could before trying again. I went through the stages of grief, eventually coming to acceptance. I am still working on that one. It's the hardest stage I think.

Beyond the pain of losing my first borns, is my uncertainty in myself. I'm afraid I can't do this successfully. The logical part of me knows that I have a good shot at this second round. This could be the smoothest pregnancy in the world. It could also go very badly. Not knowing what's in store for this baby has me ready to pick up a nail biting habit.

Some of these feelings are justified and others are plain emotional overflow.

For example: I cry a lot. Sometimes when I laugh, sometimes when I hear something even sort of sad, and other times when someone says or does anything nice at all. I feel like a basket case.

I cry when watching The Bachelorette, Secret Millionaire, and forget it when those "save the animals" commercials come on TV! I should just keep kleenex in every room.

The other day, Mike asked me if I remembered where I was when I heard about 9/11... que tears.

A couple nights ago I was online ordering M & A's baby blankets...cried.

On top of all that, I saw this picture on Fac.ebook before our Saturday BBQ.

My sister-in-law and her husband recently hiked up to Mirror Lake (where there was still snow) and put up this plaque near Michael and Alena's resting place. As soon as I saw it, I became a blubbering mess. They came over shortly after for the BBQ and I started up again.

How amazing is that? Obviously the crying fits are amazing, but them thinking to do that was beyond lovely.

Our BBQ by the way turned out fantastic! We had family over along with a few friends, sat outside in the sun and hubby made some tasty pulled pork and brats. Mike and our buddy D serenaded us with guitar and accordion (yes, I said accordion and it was delightful). My mom got to hear little Raz's heartbeat on the doppler and I used it on my gal-pal who was weeks ahead of me. She got a kick out of hearing her little girl's thumping heart. All in all it was good. I need days like those to keep me in the here and now - focused on the positive.

Another thing that has been a step forward is the nursery. For months the door to the nursery stood open just a crack, now it's completely open. It took me a while, but a couple months ago I went into get something and never closed it again. The door continued to stand open.

One day after vacuuming the nursery, I realized that it didn't hurt me anymore to see into the room whenever I went upstairs. Do I still feel an ache inside me looking at the twins' stuff? Yes. Have I changed a single thing in the almost 9 months they've been gone? No. I am not at the point of being able to go through the baby things and do something with them. But...the fact that I can keep that door wide open and feel...okay, is a very good thing.

I believe the door is now open to peacefully loving and remembering my lost babies. I believe that I am ready to let hope in again and fully attach to Raspberry. I think that I will be able to find a healthy coexistence between the heavy loss of M & A and the new life growing away inside me. I may not be quite ready to allow the twins' room to become Raz's, but I am confident that by the third trimester I will have made some major progress in that area. The door is open, my emotions are working overtime to get me through this pregnancy, and as long as I can keep balance between the past and the present... I think I just may get through this.

I just need to invest in a few more boxes of tissue!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Round Two

It's time.

I've been pretty silent on here because a lot has been happening in the last three + months.

We continue to love and miss Michael and Alena. We think of them every day and are finding more amazing ways to remember them. It's hard to believe it's been almost 9 months since they've been gone.

I don't think my heart has even been more broken over something. I know it hasn't.

But today, on this gorgeous summer afternoon, I can say I am happy. Do I miss them more than anything? Yes. But I have wonderful people in my life, a home, and a doggy I love.

Not just that, but a new baby on the way.

Today I'm 14 weeks, 2 days pregnant with M & A's brother or sister. For this I am grateful and thrilled. I'm also nervous and honestly freaked out. This baby was very planned, so we were prepared for the journey to come, but putting your heart out there again is scary.

Please welcome baby Raspberry! (that's what I'm calling him or her for now).

We are so in love already!

Friday, May 25, 2012


Well hello everyone! I am sorry I have been such a bad blogger, I just feel kind of like I don't have a ton to say. And the catching up I want to do really needs to be done in person, you know? I promise to make a better effort to keep in contact this summer.

There has been a lot of loss blog seems to reflect that and I know it isn't always a good read. I apologize if I seem to have a lot of negative posts.

Not everything has been bad for me. I am choosing to deal with everything head-on and really soak in as much of the good as I can. We only have one life here on earth.

I am dealing with my Dad's death a little bit at a time, choosing not let it bring me to that painful place I went with the twins. I don't think I had a choice in that mourning process as their passing was sudden and traumatic. My Dad's was a long time coming and I was given a heads-up about his decline. It's been hard being away from my Ohio family right now, but I think dealing with this new loss here in Washington is helping to keep me a bit removed from the very real sadness my family is feeling over there. I have been given a copy of the video that was taken during his memorial and have watched it through once. I cried when my aunts and uncle spoke and was able to feel a little bit involved even at a distance.

I am doing okay with it. I think it will take a while to absorb, but I will get there.

I still think about my twins every day, but I mostly smile when I think of them. The tears are there on occasion, but passing the 7 month mark has done wonders on my ability to reach out to them in happiness. They even sent Mike and I the most gorgeous rainbow last Sunday. All I had to do was walk outside and stand in front of our house.

They never cease to amaze their parents.

We are really getting into full attack mode on our yard. The whole thing needs an overhaul and Mike has taken great strides in digging up grass and less-than-liked bushes. We are replanting and trying to landscape what was left untouched for I don't know how long. Mike's parents have been a big help so far too and they have given us a lot of advice on how to tackle certain things. We've got blueberry and tomato plants growing as well as new trees and ground cover.

I will begin working on the weeding up on the back terrace in order to prep it for Michael and Alena's memorial garden. I haven't picked out which plants and flowers I want to use, but I am excited to get it started in time for summer. I have a vision, I just don't know all the details yet.

Once I have a good section done, I will post some pictures!

I just wanted to check-in and say that I am doing okay. Seeing the sun after a long fall and winter is helping immensely. M & A's memory book is (mostly) finished and it brings me great joy to look through it on days when I miss them.

Thanks for being patient and caring through it all my friends. I'm grateful for you.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Letting Go

The story of my Dad is a long and difficult one. One I won't go into right now as his story isn't an uplifting one. He was who he was and no one could change or help him. This is something I came to accept.

My Father passed away last night, May 7th. The same day of the year my grandfather passed on. I wonder if he was waiting to join him on that special day?

This part of my complicated past has come to a close and I am feeling emotionally drained. With losing my babies, Mike's family dog, and feeling worried about any future pregnancies, I didn't really need to add the loss of my dad.

But I knew it was coming. I had warning and knew it would take some processing to resolve my feelings for him.

I am very sad about the loss of what should have been - the dad I wanted but never had.

Mostly though, even as I cry for him, I am relieved he is done struggling with his addictions. It is a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing that he is no longer in pain. My dad needed to find peace. He needed a break from his demons.

He has that now. For this, I am grateful.

He was conscious enough the other day to speak with my aunts, grandma, and a pastor. My dad made his peace and must have felt it was time.

I will always have mixed, complicated feelings about him. I made the decision to let go of him a few years ago, but it wasn't easy. He knew I cared and that I tried, and I'm glad for that.

I wish things could have been different, but since there is nothing I can do, I will have to find peace that he is no longer suffering.

Rest in Peace, Dad.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is my Mother's Day.

A day to honor the mommy's who have lost a child or children and may not be remembered next Sunday. Most people don't think to include us in traditional Mother's Day because we have no child to declare we are a parent. But we are, as many lovely friends and family have told me, Mothers.

Here is what Carly Marie has to say about International Bereaved Mother's Day -

"Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day! This day was created by us in 2010 and it now falls on the first Sunday of every May.

This special day was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mothers Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world.

On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.

Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children.

To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery below. Post them as your profile image on your favourite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Please feel welcome to use the images on your blogs or websites."

Untied in grief we find recognition and strength.

Wishing you all love and blessings for our Mothers Day.

With light,
Carly Marie

I've gotten some beautiful sand butterflies from Carly Marie and have them displayed in my home. I love seeing them when I walk into our room, when I visit my sister's, or when I open M & A's memory book. I think having a day separate from Mother's Day to remember that we are indeed mothers, just in a special situation, is very healing.

Today I am glad to celebrate, because I get to celebrate being Michael and Alena's mother. I love being their mom.

So I want to take a moment to remember all the women who are uncelebrated mothers. The ones who had children and lost them. The mothers who miscarried or lost their child(ren) to preterm labor, stillbirth, or SIDS.

It's a beautiful day here in Washington, so I will go and sit in the sun and think of all of you. I will send out my love and my condolences and I'll wish you a Happy Mother's Day.

Monday, April 30, 2012

S.T. Songs # 15 & 16

For song # 15, I give you  Sia - My Love

Song # 16 on M & A's playlist: To Where You Are - Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be?

That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching over me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Sunday, April 29, 2012

S.T. Songs # 13 & 14

Back to the next two songs on M & A's playlist. I am a little behind, but we're getting closer.

Song # 13  Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Lost you . . .


For the next song, we'll go back to a little country music. The song is just beautiful and I love that I have seen this band live a couple of times. This song reflects that need in you that yearns for just ONE more day with the one you love and how one more day is never enough.

S.T. Song #14  Diamond Rio - One More Day

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Friday, April 27, 2012

Another Hard Goodbye

Yesterday was hard. Well the last few days were hard.

My hubby's family lost their family dog, Kodi.

His parents called us earlier in the week to tell us that they were taking him in to get his leg looked at by the vet. It seems that it was swelling up and poor Kodi was in a lot of pain. There was even blood coming through his skin somehow!

The vet did an ultrasound of the muscle since they already knew it wasn't a bone issue. We all thought it was something with his joints since it was known that Kodi had troubles with arthritis. But things weren't adding up. It was found that our Kodi dog had a huge tumor in his hip. It had a large blood supply and was wreaking havoc on his body. They couldn't operate and it would surely make his life miserable, not being able to walk and causing severe pressure.

We were told on Wednesday that Kodi wold have to be put down. So with heavy hearts, Mike's parents made an appointment for Friday and let us know we should come see him Thursday evening to say goodbye.

Well Wednesday night the doggie was having a very, very hard night. Mike's mom told us that he was crying and the pain meds weren't helping him enough. She made the decision to move the appointment up to Thursday afternoon. She couldn't take another night of his suffering.

This would mean that Mike and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. It was hard for us, and especially Mike to not have this chance, but it was more important that Kodi be put out of his pain. I was the smallest bit relieved because I don't think I could have stood seeing him, knowing he would be gone in a matter of hours. This way Mike and I can remember him healthy and happy.

We went over to visit with his parents that evening to try to distract them a bit. His mom was very sad and his dad had been the one to take Kodi to the vet so they both were in a tough place. We were able to chat about a few other things and remember him fondly, even cry a little. He really was a big part of the family.

We brought Charlie over so he could console Mike's parents and as predicted, he stayed by my mother-in-law's side all night. He cuddled and made sure he layed by her whenever we were sitting on the couch. Dogs have such an amazing ability to know who needs them. It's like a sixth sense.

Sometime after dinner, I started getting picture text messages from my mom and sister. They had both seen rainbows that evening. They sent us the photo proof that M & A were welcoming Kodi and letting us know he was okay. I think this made Mike's mom happy. Me? I wasn't surprised a bit.

Rest in peace sweet Kodi. Your family loves you and we hope you are happy and playing with the twins.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I Am...

Today marks 13 years with my husband. We started dating at the end of high school and we are. Married for almost 6 years and still loving each other. The last 3 years have been hard. They've been challenging and trying and heartbreaking.

For a couple who have been together so long, not having a child by now feels very incomplete. We took our time in becoming engaged and spent 3 years enjoying married life, only growing our family was not in the cards for us. I'm not sure why this part of our journey has had to be so devastating or why we were 'blessed' to be the 1 out of 8 couples plagued with infertility. I'm not sure why my egg developing ovaries and darn good uterus can't pull it together to give us a baby.

What I am sure of, is Mike.

We have our squabbles and the silent issues that the past few years bestowed upon us, but there isn't a moment I think about giving up. I know he will be in my corner no matter what our future holds and doesn't blame me for what we are going through. This is huge for me, because honestly I carry enough blame around myself. It kills me to see his arms empty after being so close to parenthood. I feel responsible quite often and knowing his love for me allows me to let that blame go for a while.

I know that being a parent is tough, but after the hell of these last few months I know we can handle anything. If I have him to back me up and to lean on, I will be okay. I don't know 100% that we will indeed become parents to a living child, but if it ever comes to a life without...we will find a way to deal with it together.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night. There were a couple of storylines that have grabbed me lately and I was a bit surprised at which of them pulled at me the most. Instead of the 25 week gestation preemie barely holding on for dear life, it was Teddy's storyline about trying to accept her husband's death.

During Teddy's grief group meeting, the councilor told her to admit to herself that she was a widow. She's been avoiding the emotions that would arise after facing this hard fact. I can identify with this somewhat.

Facing yourself in the mirror and saying it all out loud is very difficult. I dread ever having to say the word 'widow' myself, but someday it may come. For now, just saying 'my babies are dead' is hard enough. I can barely even say 'dead', choosing to switch out 'passed away' or 'gone'. But that is the reality.

What do I even call myself? Obviously I'm not a widow because that means my spouse died. If my husband and I had died, any living children I had would be orphans. There seems to be a name for those kinds of losses, but not for a parent who has lost a child.

There IS no name or word for what I am. There are new names with-in our small infertility and bereaved circles like 'babylost' or 'babyloss mom'. But there is no label widely known. If people ask you if you are married, but you have lost a spouse, you can tell them you are a widow.

I can't really say, without explaining, that I am 'babylost'.

This just further proves that there isn't a secure place in society for the pain of losing a baby. It's not spoken of enough (even though it obviously happens), to warrant a label. I guess no one wants to acknowledge it. So what do I tell people when they ask if I have kids? Because it happens a lot.

I have debated about this for the last 5+ months and haven't really decided the best answer for this question. It doesn't seem right to say that I don't have kids and disregard the lives of M & A. I had to cremate them for godsake...they were here. They had bodies and hearts and my love.

On the otherhand, saying that I do have kids invites more questions and possibly some awkward explanations and dead air. Strangers or acquaintances don't want to hear I am babylost - that is bound to be uncomfortable.

I am just going to have to make a split decision I guess. So far I have made a huge effort to avoid or divert these possible questions. I will say a quick 'no' and change the subject or ask a question far removed from parenthood. Sometimes I won't even answer the question at all and I probably seem like a weirdo who doesn't listen.

There is no real point to this post, just a lot of things I've been thinking about over the last two days. Thoughts about my little family of two and how I view myself right now. Do I consider myself a mom even though I don't parent? Do others think of me as having children? Who do I think of as being part of my family? Did the twins live long enough for me to feel right in telling people that, yes I have two babies?

This is such a strange place to be.

Thank God I am not a Widow.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My Heart Holds Seven Colors

This was Seattle today. April 3rd, 2012.

This photo was taken by a local photographer who happens to live near Lake Washington and was in prime position to see this miraculous sight over the I-90 bridge.

I have said it over and over again that the rainbows here in Washington have been insane recently. I know it has to do with our Spring season and the rain to sun ratio, but it has been truly a sight to behold.

Let me lay this out for you in numbers people.

Sunday, the day a friend told me of her miscarriage - a day when I was mourning her loss right along with her...a rainbow behind my house. Of course I told her that M & A were sending me a message that I believed I was supposed to deliver to her. Her baby was okay.

Tuesday? Not two days later~

Three text messages...

Five pictures and comments left to me on my

Two messages left to me through blog.ger...

One e-mail....

Eleven total people saw a rainbow at different locations in the Seattle/Eastside area Tuesday and contacted me to tell me M & A showed up for them. I was blown away by the outpouring of love and thoughts both from my babies and for them.

Even as I sit here now, I am stunned that so many were touched by this beautiful sight and thought to let me know. I am actually pretty surprised that I didn't see one myself, but I suppose they wanted some attention from their loved ones this time. And perhaps...just maybe, they gathered their angel friends together in an attempt to reach all of us who miss them. That might explain all the rainbow sightings at once.

My 'rainbow log' is getting long already and it's only been 5-ish months. I am only noting when either myself or my husband sees one. If I logged when all my friends and family spotted one, a page would be filled by month's end. I am getting it situated to be an inclusion in M & A's memory book and will show you what that page looks like when I am ready.

It really and truly warms my heart to get all these lovely messages and photos every time someone sees a rainbow. It brings tears to my eyes to realize that my twins are here with us and that they are being thought of by more than just me. It brings a calming peace, a flutter to my heart.

I need to say thank you. Thank you to those in real life who have gone out of their way to tell me when Michael and Alena came to them. Thank you to those in blog-land who have helped me keep their memories alive and who assist in my healing with every comment and kind word. This might have been the hardest, most painful time in my life, but it's also put more love in my heart than I could have imagined.

I love you my rainbow twins - thank you for being such a huge presence to my eyes and my aching heart.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

S.T. Songs # 11 & 12

Took a little break there for a minute! But I'm back to give you two more songs from Michael and Alena's soundtrack.

No words are needed to explain the first one.

Song # 11 Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Song # 12 on M & A's playlist is one that marks the pain of the hard days. I chose to put this song on the soundtrack because although it is dedicated to my twins, I wanted to express the moments when I just need to fall apart. The ones where I need someone to pick me up and protect me from my own thoughts and memories. There are times when I deliberately bring myself pain. I know that looking at their pictures or working on the memory book while in a certain mood will drag me down. There are times that I want to feel sad. I don't want to lose the few memories I have, so I dig them up.

This song reflects that. It speaks to those random moments of scratching off the scab. The moments that I most need someone to just breath for me so I can get through it and find the 'up' side again.

Song # 12  Sia - Breath me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Friday, March 16, 2012

S.T. Song # 9 & 10

I tried to move away from the sadness a little bit in these two songs and focus on the pressure of love in my heart for Michael and Alena. I want them to know the sweet, motherly love I have for them beyond the tears of their passing.

# 9 Adele - Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

*Note: I love the Garth Brooks version, but Adele is so powerful that I decided to go with her.

My heart is warm with thoughts of my children. The next song on M & A's playlist reflect the intense feelings I had when I finally got to hold them. The words are a good interpretation of what I saw when I looked at their tiny lips and fingers. Of how I felt about them to my core and how I know I would have felt about them, had they lived.

# 10  Sleeping At Last - Turning Page

I've waited a hundred years,
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for,
What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch.
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough.
Oh I would've known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
Where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line.
Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Oh I would've known what I've been living for, all along
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas,
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

S.T. Song # 7 & 8

I'm back to give you the next two songs from M & A's soundtrack! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I'm really glad you are enjoying this healing experience with me. Honestly, I've been a feeling a little removed or far away from the twins lately. Is there a numb stage of grief? The pain of their loss does hit me randomly here and there, but mostly it just seems like a dream to me at the moment. Like I was never pregnant at all. Like I never held them and looked into their faces. I guess this is a good thing...but in this numbness, there seems to be sadness too. A sadness that it feels like I am growing away from M & A. I want to hold on for dear life.

I guess this is the way it goes and I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, hoping that the feeling will become more comfortable.

There isn't much to say about the songs below. They are songs I sing often and with tears of love.

# 7 on the playlist is sort of sad and beautiful. There actually aren't that many words to the song but the chorus is lovely. The harmonies and gentle guitar music that accompany make it one I wish my husband and I could have sung to M & A. The lullaby feel to it always gets me swaying and thinking of my angels.

Song # 7 Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars - Safe & Sound

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooh, ooh, ooh

  # 8 Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

(Please excuse the ad)

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Monday, March 12, 2012

S.T. Song # 5 & 6

Someone once shared this song with me and it's stuck with me since. Matt Hammitt is part of a christian band and I don't listen much to that genre of music, but after hearing his personal story - it just fit. His son was born with a heart defect that had his family and the doctors unsure if he would make it. They almost lost the baby.

Matt wrote this song for his son. I think it applies beautifully to Michael and Alena and to any baby we may be lucky enough to meet in the future.

The lyrics are included in the video. Thanks for loving them with me.

# 5 Matt Hammitt - All Of Me

The next song on M & A's playlist is one I've posted before and I think it is the one that most reflects my feelings over the loss of my babies. I've always loved Daughtry and his song about miscarriage and baby loss is so moving. He and his wife conceived twins through the help of a gestational carrier after his wife had to have a partial hysterectomy. I just think the emotion that comes through in this song is beautiful. I don't need to highlight any one part of the song at all.

Please enjoy # 6 - Gone Too Soon

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother,
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes,
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

5 Months Gone

Lately I have been trying really hard to just ignore all the pain and do things for myself - things that might make me happy. Because let's be honest, there are a lot of reasons not to be. Reason upon reason to hide away in my bed and come out only to go to work, eat, and pee. I know this is not how to come back to life or how to honor M & A.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.

Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.

My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.

I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.

In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.

I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.

I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.

I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.

We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.

Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.

It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.

The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.

The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.

So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Soundtrack's 3 & 4

The first song for today from M & A's soundtrack ( see link if you missed that post ) is one that I've been able to relate to both before I was pregnant and after. Some of the lyrics really hit home now as I remember the twins. I've always liked Coldplay and this song in particular. You can choose how you want to perceive the lyrics, which is always good. Right now I read into them as a mother who's lost her babies. My husband may hear them as his words to me.


(I'm sorry about the should be able to skip it after a few seconds.)

# 3 Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you that I will learn from mistakes.
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


The 4th song from M & A's soundtrack is one that I find both sad and beautiful. It's more like a song from the viewpoint of the one(s) who have passed away, then the ones still here. I think that some of the words could have easily been ones M & A would have spoken, had I been able to hear them.

Song # 4 The Band Perry - If I Die Young

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Soundtrack

It's finished.

Michael and Alena's soundtrack.

It took me a while to put together this set of songs. They had to be just right.

There was a reason behind each song and they had an impact on me differently along my journey. Some have touched me in ways of our struggle to conceive and the loss of my ability to reach my dream (so far). While other songs deal with my pain and sadness over M & A's loss. Still others reflect the things I would sing/say to them if they were here. A couple of the songs are ones that remind me of them and how I remember them.

I decided not to post a list of the 'soundtrack' songs I chose, but instead want to reveal them on here one by one. I'll start from the beginning and try to post 2 songs at a time, for a total of 9 posts. If I can find a music video or audio version of the song, I'll post that so you can hear them - along with the lyrics since I know some of these artists do not enunciate. I may highlight some of the lyrics that speak to me the most, which will point-out the reason for my choosing a certain song. This will allow me something to keep busy and share the music that means something to me.

Some of the songs you have heard and I may have already posted on my blog in the last few months. Instead of trying to find the post where it's already located, I'll repost anew (since it's easier for me).

~ I would love for you to listen with an open heart and join me on this journey of mourning and healing. It has helped me to collect these beautiful songs and bring them together. If you have had any kind of loss and want a copy of the soundtrack for yourself, I'll be open to mailing out a CD once I've posted the 19 songs. ~

#1 Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

# 2 Josh Groban - You Are Loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved

Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard

You are loved

Love you M & A
~ mommy

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Forever In Love

I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.

After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.

First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.

Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.

The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.

The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.

Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.

Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.

I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.

I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."

Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.

I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3

He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!

I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.

We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.

We will forever be in love.


To my sweet, darling Angels...
Happy almost birthday.

"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

~M & A~
Born - October 12, 2011
20 weeks

Estimated due date - February 26th, 2012

Our love for you knows no end.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Gifts From Heaven

I spent time thinking of Michael and Alena today. Yeah, I know that I always think about them, but today is Valentines Day.

A day for love. A day to think warmly of those you most hold dear.

I hold my children dear - I love them. So although it will just be me and Mike tonight (not celebrating much other than a small gift, a card, and a movie), I set aside some special time to think about them.

During my lunch break, I went to the local grocery market and bought them each a rose. A red rose.

Just like the ones I set loose to float in the lake of their final resting place.

I walked back outside to where my doggie Charlie was waiting for me in the car and looked up into the sky.
On Valentines day.
With two red roses in my hand.

I kid you not. I saw a rainbow.

My babies did it again! They heard me or felt me...whatever it is that happens. On a day that I purposefully held extra love in my heart for them and their dad. The moment I step foot outside after buying them their Valentines day gift...they send me a rainbow.

I won't doubt the gift this time. This time I am sure it's from them and it produced the biggest smile I've probably managed in the last month.

This time it's more than a coincidence friends. I've begun a 'rainbow watch' log to track each time something amazing like this happens around a special day or event. Every time I have seen a rainbow since October, it's been on a day when I most needed that comfort.

The day M&A were born.
The morning we spread M & A's ashes.
During the drive home on a particularly difficult day of grief.
The day before the new year when I couldn't seem to stop crying.
And today...Valentine's Day.

So how sweet would it be to have a log of all the rainbow sightings to keep in their memory book?

When I got home today, I went straight upstairs to where I framed M & A's photos of their names written in the sand and gave each of the pictures a big kiss. I had to clean the glass afterwards, but it was worth it.

Who knows what all hubby and I will do tonight, but I feel very lucky that our twins made it a point to show themselves to me today. They really are the most beautiful things in my life. Even though they aren't here in my arms, their presence is undeniable.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To The Stars

Another blogger has posted the poem below about loss. I think she wrote it herself and it touches me in a huge way. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and I understand it deep down.

For those who don't know, I graduated with an English degree and spent the majority of my four years in college writing - everything from short stories to poetry and songs. I love poetry. I wanted to post this one on my blog for myself to read and for others who have gone through a pregnancy loss or stillbirth. I think it's perfect and exactly what I would have written.

Someday soon, I hope to write something of my own, to share part of my art. That, paired with photography will hopefully help me continue healing as winter turns into spring.

hymn for him

my life
my other heart
my beloved
my most important creation
my transformation
my closest relation
my evolution
my progression and reflection
my expression of perfection
made out of all i had
i honor you with all that remains

you were my body and my future
you were wings
stretching from inside me
you were promise of life and flight
you were living, dancing Light.
you were mine
you were me.
not just part of me
but the best of me
all my life and energy
all my love.
all my love.
i’m told that i should just erase you
and the void will go away
and it’s simple to replace you
this is natural, they say
no one wants to hear about you
or the way it feels without you
but there has never been a more fierce love or bond

and now you’re gone

you were everything i wanted
now i’m empty, bleeding, haunted
but the whole world’s waiting for me to move on
and so
in my imagination
i release my great creation
to the stars
     to the stars
          to the stars

but i will never love another quite like this
i am your mother, you’re my wish
that very nearly did come true
and always, darling,
I Love You.
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