Sunday, February 26, 2012

Forever In Love

I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.

After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.

First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.

Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.

The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.

The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.

Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.

Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.

I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.

I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."

Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.

I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3

He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!

I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.

We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.

We will forever be in love.


To my sweet, darling Angels...
Happy almost birthday.

"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

~M & A~
Born - October 12, 2011
20 weeks

Estimated due date - February 26th, 2012

Our love for you knows no end.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Gifts From Heaven

I spent time thinking of Michael and Alena today. Yeah, I know that I always think about them, but today is Valentines Day.

A day for love. A day to think warmly of those you most hold dear.

I hold my children dear - I love them. So although it will just be me and Mike tonight (not celebrating much other than a small gift, a card, and a movie), I set aside some special time to think about them.

During my lunch break, I went to the local grocery market and bought them each a rose. A red rose.

Just like the ones I set loose to float in the lake of their final resting place.

I walked back outside to where my doggie Charlie was waiting for me in the car and looked up into the sky.
On Valentines day.
With two red roses in my hand.

I kid you not. I saw a rainbow.

My babies did it again! They heard me or felt me...whatever it is that happens. On a day that I purposefully held extra love in my heart for them and their dad. The moment I step foot outside after buying them their Valentines day gift...they send me a rainbow.

I won't doubt the gift this time. This time I am sure it's from them and it produced the biggest smile I've probably managed in the last month.

This time it's more than a coincidence friends. I've begun a 'rainbow watch' log to track each time something amazing like this happens around a special day or event. Every time I have seen a rainbow since October, it's been on a day when I most needed that comfort.

The day M&A were born.
The morning we spread M & A's ashes.
During the drive home on a particularly difficult day of grief.
The day before the new year when I couldn't seem to stop crying.
And today...Valentine's Day.

So how sweet would it be to have a log of all the rainbow sightings to keep in their memory book?

When I got home today, I went straight upstairs to where I framed M & A's photos of their names written in the sand and gave each of the pictures a big kiss. I had to clean the glass afterwards, but it was worth it.

Who knows what all hubby and I will do tonight, but I feel very lucky that our twins made it a point to show themselves to me today. They really are the most beautiful things in my life. Even though they aren't here in my arms, their presence is undeniable.

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