Friday, May 25, 2012


Well hello everyone! I am sorry I have been such a bad blogger, I just feel kind of like I don't have a ton to say. And the catching up I want to do really needs to be done in person, you know? I promise to make a better effort to keep in contact this summer.

There has been a lot of loss blog seems to reflect that and I know it isn't always a good read. I apologize if I seem to have a lot of negative posts.

Not everything has been bad for me. I am choosing to deal with everything head-on and really soak in as much of the good as I can. We only have one life here on earth.

I am dealing with my Dad's death a little bit at a time, choosing not let it bring me to that painful place I went with the twins. I don't think I had a choice in that mourning process as their passing was sudden and traumatic. My Dad's was a long time coming and I was given a heads-up about his decline. It's been hard being away from my Ohio family right now, but I think dealing with this new loss here in Washington is helping to keep me a bit removed from the very real sadness my family is feeling over there. I have been given a copy of the video that was taken during his memorial and have watched it through once. I cried when my aunts and uncle spoke and was able to feel a little bit involved even at a distance.

I am doing okay with it. I think it will take a while to absorb, but I will get there.

I still think about my twins every day, but I mostly smile when I think of them. The tears are there on occasion, but passing the 7 month mark has done wonders on my ability to reach out to them in happiness. They even sent Mike and I the most gorgeous rainbow last Sunday. All I had to do was walk outside and stand in front of our house.

They never cease to amaze their parents.

We are really getting into full attack mode on our yard. The whole thing needs an overhaul and Mike has taken great strides in digging up grass and less-than-liked bushes. We are replanting and trying to landscape what was left untouched for I don't know how long. Mike's parents have been a big help so far too and they have given us a lot of advice on how to tackle certain things. We've got blueberry and tomato plants growing as well as new trees and ground cover.

I will begin working on the weeding up on the back terrace in order to prep it for Michael and Alena's memorial garden. I haven't picked out which plants and flowers I want to use, but I am excited to get it started in time for summer. I have a vision, I just don't know all the details yet.

Once I have a good section done, I will post some pictures!

I just wanted to check-in and say that I am doing okay. Seeing the sun after a long fall and winter is helping immensely. M & A's memory book is (mostly) finished and it brings me great joy to look through it on days when I miss them.

Thanks for being patient and caring through it all my friends. I'm grateful for you.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Letting Go

The story of my Dad is a long and difficult one. One I won't go into right now as his story isn't an uplifting one. He was who he was and no one could change or help him. This is something I came to accept.

My Father passed away last night, May 7th. The same day of the year my grandfather passed on. I wonder if he was waiting to join him on that special day?

This part of my complicated past has come to a close and I am feeling emotionally drained. With losing my babies, Mike's family dog, and feeling worried about any future pregnancies, I didn't really need to add the loss of my dad.

But I knew it was coming. I had warning and knew it would take some processing to resolve my feelings for him.

I am very sad about the loss of what should have been - the dad I wanted but never had.

Mostly though, even as I cry for him, I am relieved he is done struggling with his addictions. It is a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing that he is no longer in pain. My dad needed to find peace. He needed a break from his demons.

He has that now. For this, I am grateful.

He was conscious enough the other day to speak with my aunts, grandma, and a pastor. My dad made his peace and must have felt it was time.

I will always have mixed, complicated feelings about him. I made the decision to let go of him a few years ago, but it wasn't easy. He knew I cared and that I tried, and I'm glad for that.

I wish things could have been different, but since there is nothing I can do, I will have to find peace that he is no longer suffering.

Rest in Peace, Dad.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is my Mother's Day.

A day to honor the mommy's who have lost a child or children and may not be remembered next Sunday. Most people don't think to include us in traditional Mother's Day because we have no child to declare we are a parent. But we are, as many lovely friends and family have told me, Mothers.

Here is what Carly Marie has to say about International Bereaved Mother's Day -

"Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day! This day was created by us in 2010 and it now falls on the first Sunday of every May.

This special day was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mothers Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world.

On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.

Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children.

To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery below. Post them as your profile image on your favourite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Please feel welcome to use the images on your blogs or websites."

Untied in grief we find recognition and strength.

Wishing you all love and blessings for our Mothers Day.

With light,
Carly Marie

I've gotten some beautiful sand butterflies from Carly Marie and have them displayed in my home. I love seeing them when I walk into our room, when I visit my sister's, or when I open M & A's memory book. I think having a day separate from Mother's Day to remember that we are indeed mothers, just in a special situation, is very healing.

Today I am glad to celebrate, because I get to celebrate being Michael and Alena's mother. I love being their mom.

So I want to take a moment to remember all the women who are uncelebrated mothers. The ones who had children and lost them. The mothers who miscarried or lost their child(ren) to preterm labor, stillbirth, or SIDS.

It's a beautiful day here in Washington, so I will go and sit in the sun and think of all of you. I will send out my love and my condolences and I'll wish you a Happy Mother's Day.
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