There is something I think I need to clarify.
Our loss recently has been a huge hit. Yes, I feel devastated that after all our effort and the hope that we put into having children failed. I am very sad for Mike and I and that our chance to be parents has been taken away. All of this is a definite loss for us. It sucks.
But what I am most sad about...what I am most hurt over is not our loss but our babies' loss.
We can try again to become parents and possibly even make that happen with a new baby. Michael and Alena will not have the chance at a life here with us. It's their loss that has me in knots most of the time. It's the fact that they will not be able to become the people they were supposed to be - that they were deprived of possibly an amazing and fulfilling life. They don't get another chance like we do.
I look at other people's children and immediately wonder if M & A would have been anything like them. When I am around babies I don't always think about what I am missing out on, but what my twins are not experiencing.
Yes, I feel bad for us and that our dreams for them aren't going to come true, but more so that Michael and Alena aren't able to dream for themselves. (I know some of you will say that they are still living out their lives somewhere else, but this life is important too).
A lot of people note the pain and heartache of our loss and I will not deny that it's a major source of my grief. I did want to be a parent in February, but what I wanted more than that was to be a mom to M & A. Once I knew them, they were my dream...not just being a parent in general. Another baby will not take their place, nor will it make everything okay. It doesn't mean I won't try for that next baby or that I won't love them separately - it just means that my twins should have been able to create a meaningful and amazing life and it's that fact which has my heart breaking.
I would have loved to see them grow and become their own little people. I would have loved to have been able to kiss their cheeks and that is a great loss for us.
Loss is hard to separate out, but the one thing I have been able to see more clearly is that the particular losses I feel are for different things. And the one that seems most unbearable is the knowledge of what my babies lost. I miss them and who they could have been, not simply missing my lack of children.
I can't change what happened and I can't bring them back for a second chance. I have to accept that and find a way to be okay with it. And I have to find a way to be okay with pursuing my dreams of parenthood when Michael and Alena can't fulfill their earthly ones.
What was taken away from them has me spitting mad I have no one to blame. I am not supposed to blame God, or myself, or the doctors, so I flounder around with the fact that life and the universe screwed us all. I won't reiterate past blog posts, so I will just say that pain comes in from different sources and for many reasons. Pain and loss coming from one place can be crippling, while the pain from another source can be manageable.
Somehow I will cope with what I've been dealt, because I know that I still have my life and I still have a chance to be a mom. It's the pain of M & A's loss that I find so hard to get over.
Other children are out living their lives and are able to dream, and hope, and achieve...while mine can't. That is why being around those kids is challenging for me. I can see clearly what Michael and Alena will miss out on. What we will miss out on, in being their parents.
I tell them I am sorry all the time. That I love them and I am sorry, because I have no way to make it better for them. Moms want to make everything better and I can't.
I saw another rainbow on Friday and the magic of them (and obviously the science behind them), had me amazed. I have seen more lately than ever and it makes me feel good to think that maybe they can hear me. So with that hope, I keep sending up love and "I'm sorry's", praying that it's enough.