Yes, I have raging hormones coursing through me and yes, I am taking meds that probably don't help a ton.
But this time is different than last time. This time around I am not just an expectant mother, but a grieving mother as well. They are very conflicting feelings.
I am dealing as best as I can and do believe that I dealt with as many of the M & A emotions as I could before trying again. I went through the stages of grief, eventually coming to acceptance. I am still working on that one. It's the hardest stage I think.
Beyond the pain of losing my first borns, is my uncertainty in myself. I'm afraid I can't do this successfully. The logical part of me knows that I have a good shot at this second round. This could be the smoothest pregnancy in the world. It could also go very badly. Not knowing what's in store for this baby has me ready to pick up a nail biting habit.
Some of these feelings are justified and others are plain emotional overflow.
For example: I cry a lot. Sometimes when I laugh, sometimes when I hear something even sort of sad, and other times when someone says or does anything nice at all. I feel like a basket case.
I cry when watching The Bachelorette, Secret Millionaire, and forget it when those "save the animals" commercials come on TV! I should just keep kleenex in every room.
The other day, Mike asked me if I remembered where I was when I heard about 9/11... que tears.
A couple nights ago I was online ordering M & A's baby blankets...cried.
On top of all that, I saw this picture on Fac.ebook before our Saturday BBQ.
My sister-in-law and her husband recently hiked up to Mirror Lake (where there was still snow) and put up this plaque near Michael and Alena's resting place. As soon as I saw it, I became a blubbering mess. They came over shortly after for the BBQ and I started up again.
How amazing is that? Obviously the crying fits are amazing, but them thinking to do that was beyond lovely.
Our BBQ by the way turned out fantastic! We had family over along with a few friends, sat outside in the sun and hubby made some tasty pulled pork and brats. Mike and our buddy D serenaded us with guitar and accordion (yes, I said accordion and it was delightful). My mom got to hear little Raz's heartbeat on the doppler and I used it on my gal-pal who was weeks ahead of me. She got a kick out of hearing her little girl's thumping heart. All in all it was good. I need days like those to keep me in the here and now - focused on the positive.
Another thing that has been a step forward is the nursery. For months the door to the nursery stood open just a crack, now it's completely open. It took me a while, but a couple months ago I went into get something and never closed it again. The door continued to stand open.
One day after vacuuming the nursery, I realized that it didn't hurt me anymore to see into the room whenever I went upstairs. Do I still feel an ache inside me looking at the twins' stuff? Yes. Have I changed a single thing in the almost 9 months they've been gone? No. I am not at the point of being able to go through the baby things and do something with them. But...the fact that I can keep that door wide open and feel...okay, is a very good thing.
I believe the door is now open to peacefully loving and remembering my lost babies. I believe that I am ready to let hope in again and fully attach to Raspberry. I think that I will be able to find a healthy coexistence between the heavy loss of M & A and the new life growing away inside me. I may not be quite ready to allow the twins' room to become Raz's, but I am confident that by the third trimester I will have made some major progress in that area. The door is open, my emotions are working overtime to get me through this pregnancy, and as long as I can keep balance between the past and the present... I think I just may get through this.
I just need to invest in a few more boxes of tissue!