Sunday, February 26, 2012

Forever In Love

I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.

After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.

First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.

Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.

The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.

The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.

Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.

Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.

I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.

I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."

Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.

I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3

He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!

I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.

We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.

We will forever be in love.


  1. What a beautiful way to honor your babies. Love the quote you shared - it's so true. And I love that Mike saw a rainbow.

  2. What a beautiful way to commemorate them, and their Spirits. And I never look at Rainbows the same anymore! I'm glad to hear that Mike sees them too!

  3. Very beautiful - your post brought tears to my eyes.

  4. Thank you for your kind words on my blog. It is so good to know that I am part of a supportive community of women (and men) who know how I feel. Your post was beautiful, and I can feel your love for your children through those beautiful words.


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