Lately I have been trying really hard to just ignore all the pain and do things for myself - things that might make me happy. Because let's be honest, there are a lot of reasons not to be. Reason upon reason to hide away in my bed and come out only to go to work, eat, and pee. I know this is not how to come back to life or how to honor M & A.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.
Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they lived...so it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.
My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.
I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.
In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.
I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.
I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.
I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.
We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.
Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.
It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at Cost.co and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.
The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.
The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.
So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.