Friday, October 12, 2012

Our 1st Angelversary

To my sweet babies Michael and Alena,


October 12th marks a whole year lived without you.

Even as your little brother grows with-in me, I miss you tremendously. More than I can ever say.

But I love you more than I can say too.

My love for you both has never quieted or calmed - it beats in my heart every moment of every day. I think of you with the beginning of each day and the darkness of each night, always wishing I could hold you for just one more moment. Wishing I could touch your tiny noses and feet...whispering "I love you's".

It's been one whole year since I last felt you moving inside me and I can hardly believe it. My breath catches in my throat just thinking about it. You really were my dream come true my angels. Everything I did, every thought in my mind for two years before your conception was focused on bringing you to me. Even though your fate was never something I could have imagined, I am so happy to have known you for the time I was given. Those five months of carrying you were some of the happiest I have had and I didn't take one day for granted.

The morning I went into the hospital in labor, and the nurses told me that you would not be coming home with me was the most heartbroken I have ever been. It felt like someone had pulled my heart right out of my chest and slowly crushed it to nothing. I remember every second of that 24 hours like it was yesterday.

I remember asking to see you on the ultrasound before delivery so I would have an idea of how much time I might have with you. I remember your daddy talking to you through my belly one last time while we knew you could both hear. The delivery, naming you, saying goodbye to my first sweet daughter, spending time with both you and our family as the first of the rainbows made it's appearance....all things I can vividly picture in my head.

Yes my dears, it was a day filled with sorrow and tears. It was a day to both say hello and goodbye, but it was also a day I became a real mother. It was the first time we knew what it felt like to be parents, to love unconditionally, and make the kinds of difficult decisions that come along with creating lives. We had never known the kind of pain that was felt that day, but we'd also never known that kind of love either.

Every time I see a rainbow I smile and my heart grows warm knowing you are still with me. Every time someone mentions your names, I feel proud that you were mine. I adore you in a way that maybe goes over-the-top, but I don't care. To me, you are perfect.

I am so grateful you had each other through it all. You didn't spend more than a couple of minutes apart in all the time that you existed. And to this day, you have each other in every way - you will never be alone and that is another reason for me to smile.

It hasn't been an easy thing to get through. The loss of our first borns was sometimes more than I felt I could handle. Getting to finally hold you in my arms, only to have to let you go mere hours later was harder than I can say. But through the tears I knew you were an immense blessing - one I could never forget. You changed me in so many ways, gave me a deeper empathy for others and helped me learn to appreciate each day as it comes. Sure, there are times now that I feel the heavy weight of a new reality. I'm no longer naive and this experience has not just shaken me but instilled a wariness I may not fully rid myself of. I feel I've aged five years in just four short seasons.

Through everything, I regret very little.

I regret you are not home with us and that you weren't given the chance to become the wonderful people I know you would have been.

I regret you won't get to meet your little brother, who grew along-side you for five days and who will grow-up saying your names.

I regret that I didn't have more time to hold and kiss you before I let you go.

The thing I will never regret is choosing you, loving you, or being your mom.

We were robbed of so much where you are concerned, but we've also been incredibly lucky to have the two of you as our own personal angels.

I wish were were celebrating your one year birthday today and that it was filled with smiling family and loads of presents. I wish I knew what you would look like and what your first words would be. We should be pushing you both in a stroller on these sunny fall afternoons, not baking a cake we'll be eating by ourselves.

We did get you something to celebrate what will always be your day. My precious twinnies, you are not just part of every rainbow we see, but now a permanent part of our sky.

You have your own star located in the constellation of Cassiopeia. A star with the lovely name of Michael & Alena. Your dad and I wanted to be able to look up at night and wish upon your star. We wanted to honor you by getting you something unique and beautiful.

To us, that is what you are. Unique and beautiful.

I hope you can hear me at night when I tell you how sorry I am. I hope you realize the profound impact you had on us and how much we love you. I will always find ways to remember you and to be your mom. It might be more for me than you, but it's important to me to believe it really means something.

I'll do my best to be strong for you today - to smile instead of cry.

I'll try to celebrate you instead of mourn your being gone.

I can't promise tears won't fall or that I won't be sad. Your pictures and mementos will probably come out and I may curl up with your bears for a bit, but mostly I will be sending you my love. That you can be sure of.

Happy Angelversary M & A. We love you so, so much.

XOXOXOX

Mommy


* Dedicated to my son and daughter...




8 comments:

  1. Sending so much love and equally many hugs to you and your family today.

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  2. Anniversaries are tough. Bigs hugs!

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  3. So sorry you have been through this, thinking of M&A.

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  4. Beautifully written...love to you all. XoXo

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  5. a beautifully written post. I hope you are well and that your little baby boy is all good. I still can't imagine what it must have been like to go through what you went through. I admire your strength so much.

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  6. What a beautiful post. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  7. That is so beautiful. *hugs* to you xo

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  8. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you've been. It's been a couple of months since this hard day and wanted to make sure you're doing well.

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