All For You

A couple of special things happened recently. I have been gifted so much as of late - for both my healing heart and our babies' memory.

One of the people who has openly shared in my loss has been my mom. She talks about her grandbabies as if she knew them as well as I did. She reaches out and wants to keep their memory alive like I do. My mom recognizes M & A as babies, not a pregnancy or a miscarriage.

Having the twins' names written on a beach was something I thought of doing a while back. I came across a blog called Christian's Beach a month or so ago. It's written by a woman who lost her son and who wanted to reach out to others in pain by giving them a beautiful dedication. She lives near a beach in Australia and goes out each evening to write names in the sand to post on her webpage. It's a small but touching gesture to see your child's name somewhere beautiful and tangible. She does this for free, but requires a donation to have the jpeg photo sent to you for printing.

I never followed up on this, as I was still fumbling through my mess of a heart. Let's be honest, I still am.

My mom did this without my even mentioning it to her. She found the site all on her own and had M & A put on the list of children to be remembered.

On January 20th, Carly set out at sunset, in another part of the world, to honor our Michael and Alena. My mom made the donation so we could receive the rights to the prints for our memory book.

"At the end of the day, all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."

Thank you mom...for loving them as I loved them. For wanting them as we wanted them. For missing and remembering them in a way that touches my heart. M & A will live on as long as we give them time and space to be. You are helping me do that and I am grateful.

Also: one of my dear friends Katie was finally able to get us our belated Christmas gift. But moreover, it was a birthday present for the twins. A very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. Through it all, she's been a good friend and someone I have been able to open up to completely. She's let me talk about my pain and she's kept me distracted when I needed it. Katie was also one of the first people to ask to see pictures of the twins.

I wanted to give her a space on my blog to say Thank You for her continued support and care. And now for this beautiful gift to remember M & A.

I am gathering little by little, the pieces of my broken heart and with each tear I hope to come a fraction closer to being 'okay'. I will keep finding ways to love them and be their mommy even as they play as angels now. It's all I can do and it has to be enough.

Thank you to those who are helping me remember them.