Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy January everyone.
Just wanting to check in while I've got a day off and let you know that despite a difficult Christmas, my New Years celebration went well.
Mike and I met up with some close friends for a low-key house party about an hour away. The food and drinks were plentiful and the conversation flowed.
I thought about the babies often but made a point to keep the loss out of conversation for one full evening. Even when a friend asked me how I was doing, in that all-knowing tone. I haven't seen her since September and have not been able to go over the details of what happened with her, so I know she was probably concerned and curious about it all. But for just one night, I wanted to put my focus elsewhere and avoid the waterworks. So instead of answering, I changed the subject back to what our group had been discussing previously. I hope it didn't seem like I was shooing her away, but that question always leads to more of the same.
Something I was determined to avoid so I could attempt a joyful holiday.
Besides that, it was smooth sailing.
I was lucky enough to be surrounded by individuals who were all either single or married without kids. It's tough to come by these days, but I was grateful that I could avoid pregnancy and kid talk for a few precious hours. I miss the days when all conversation centered around vacations, home projects, books and entertainment. It was a nice break from the overload of sad topics I usually find myself in.
I don't really have resolutions this year, as it hasn't really worked well for me in the past. I have a few general goals for myself in the short term and I've been working on a list for the next few years. A couple of other bloggers I know are concentrating on 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days.
I like this idea! The list helps you to focus on doing things that you've wanted to complete for a while such as projects or goals. It also should benefit you in some way by either being practical or perhaps some sort of indulgence you have been denying yourself. Many of the things are going to push me to do something I can be proud of or maybe force me to experience something new and interesting.
It's a great idea and should give me plenty to look towards and achieve over the next 2.75 years. Something to focus on besides the all-encompassing 'baby making'. I can only control so much in that process...so having other things I can work towards to help me complete this next year (with or without a baby) will be beneficial.
Last year at the same time, I was trying to find my way back to happy. I was feeling out of control and sad...so I thought to myself...why not make a point to do things for myself on a regular basis? Things that will lead me to enjoying life again.
This 101 list is just what I need. It's true that some of the things may not be exactly 'enjoyable', but they will at least be something that I will be glad about accomplishing.
I will post this list as soon as I can get it finished. I am hoping for this week.
Beyond that - I am just getting my other list ready to send off to The Arbor Day Foundation. The one that will honor all the lost babies of those I know and love.
It's a bit sad how long that list is in fact growing. I hate that so many of us have had to lose something as precious as a baby.
If you have lost a pregnancy - whether it be by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss - please comment below this post with the name of your baby(ies) and their date of 'birth'. I'll be having trees planted together in a national forest for each baby loved and lost. I'll be turning in my list and donation to ADF in about a week's time.
I want to include as many of Michael and Alena's friends as possible so their trees can all grow strong a beautiful together.
The Christmas decorations are put away, my surgery is scheduled (yes my uterus now needs surgery)...and all I can do at the moment is focus on little things to bring happiness right now. Losing a few pounds and completing a couple of projects are already on my short list, so I'll start with that.
Thank you for your amazing encouragement. I still have a long way to go in this process, but I am ready to move toward hope...little by little.