Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The story of my Dad is a long and difficult one. One I won't go into right now as his story isn't an uplifting one. He was who he was and no one could change or help him. This is something I came to accept.
My Father passed away last night, May 7th. The same day of the year my grandfather passed on. I wonder if he was waiting to join him on that special day?
This part of my complicated past has come to a close and I am feeling emotionally drained. With losing my babies, Mike's family dog, and feeling worried about any future pregnancies, I didn't really need to add the loss of my dad.
But I knew it was coming. I had warning and knew it would take some processing to resolve my feelings for him.
I am very sad about the loss of what should have been - the dad I wanted but never had.
Mostly though, even as I cry for him, I am relieved he is done struggling with his addictions. It is a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing that he is no longer in pain. My dad needed to find peace. He needed a break from his demons.
He has that now. For this, I am grateful.
He was conscious enough the other day to speak with my aunts, grandma, and a pastor. My dad made his peace and must have felt it was time.
I will always have mixed, complicated feelings about him. I made the decision to let go of him a few years ago, but it wasn't easy. He knew I cared and that I tried, and I'm glad for that.
I wish things could have been different, but since there is nothing I can do, I will have to find peace that he is no longer suffering.
Rest in Peace, Dad.