Michael and Alena's birthday...anniversary...angelversary...day of passing?
I don't really know what to call it.
It came and went as most days do.
I went to work, went grocery shopping, and both my husband and I tried to bake a cake. Neither cake stayed together, they kept falling apart. I don't want to read into it but it's hard not to.
Instead of a big to-do, we kept the 'celebration/memorial' very low key. I knew if we did too much, thought too hard, I may not get through the evening very well. So it was just him and me, trying to keep the night as normal as we could.
We pasted the second cake together with frosting and lit a candle for the babies. I couldn't make myself buy the '1' candle. They aren't one years old. They will always be less than one day. The candle I chose isn't meant to be sad, but to accurately represent them.
Both of us couldn't help but remember what we were doing at each point throughout the day, one year ago. Those were the most painful moments. Ones where I would see that it was noon and know we were on our way to bringing M & A into the world. When it was 9pm and I remembered that was when we left the hospital without them.
I cried for them, for the life we won't have. I cried because this wasn't how it was supposed to be.
But then, I stopped.
As hard as this day was, it won't be much harder than the next. Tomorrow my twins will still be gone and I have to deal with that. Each and every day will be a day without them so I have to ration those tears and learn how to balance the heartache with the smiles.
So this night I let the tears fall as I lit the candle on their birthday cake and smiled as I gazed at the sky where their star might be.
Then I took our blue and pink bears from the table and brought them to bed with me. They were the only things to come home with us one year ago and it felt right to end the day with them next to me once again.