This weekend has been full of moments to remember M & A.
In a way, I am fortunate that their Angelversary is on the 12th so that I have built-in ways to honor my precious babies. As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, there are a few different events going on that I can participate in.
*A Walk to Remember was hosted by the P.S. (Parent Support) group. I have to admit I have only utilized them once so far. I found that attending the meetings, at least in the beginning was too hard for me. It was comforting to meet people in person who had lost babies as I had, but hearing their stories tended to bring me to a depressive place. One that wasn't too healthy for me at the time. I then considered going again last week...but I chose not to because well...I am pregnant and have some 'survivors guilt'. I didn't want anyone in the meeting to hurt because of me. Especially if their loss was recent. I know how I would have felt if there had been a pregnant woman in the group the first time I went last year.
Anyway, the walk was lovely.
I was lucky to only live about 25 minutes from where it was being thrown on Lake Washington. It was a cloudy day that did shed a bit of rain, but most of it held off until after we left around 11:45am. We were given balloons to write on and carry during the walk and carnations to float in the lake in honor of our children. There was a memorial table set-up where you could leave a memento or picture of your child for others to see and a healthy breakfast of donuts and coffee.
I was happy to see my mom, sister, and nephew were there as well as four friends (two of which had lost their own baby the week before I did). Having them there to support me (and I, them) really helped keep me together. I was able to think of my twins, but not surround myself in pain as I had my friends and family there to talk to. I only broke down once as we threw our flowers into the lake and I noticed how many flowers there really were - how many babies were lost just in my neck of the woods.
I was happy at least to know that both myself and the friend who had lost her baby along with me, were both there with new lives growing inside us. It gave me hope and a little peace. I know the last few days would have been so very much harder if not for Raz and her baby girl. I am so grateful for our stroke of luck (if you want to call it that), at finding ourselves pregnant on this week of all weeks. I know some are not in the position we are and I hurt all over for them. It doesn't take away the pain of M & A's loss, but it gives me something to be grateful and happy for at the end of the day.
*Today, Monday the 15th, is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. As many of you know, there is a candle lighting ceremony going on across the world. It is open to anyone who has lost a pregnancy or baby and to those who would like to honor their friends or family.
I will be lighting a candle for both Michael and Alena, as well as one for all of your babies gone too soon. This one candle will represent my love for you and your children. I would be grateful if you wanted to do the same.