Thursday, July 1, 2010

Missing the old days ~

There's been a reoccurring theme in my subconcious recently. There have been a couple of dreams, some mind-wandering and some heaviness of heart over the last month or so.

When I get down to the bottom of it all, I find that the theme always leads me to someone in my past. Most of whom I don't get to see much of or talking is rare. There has been a string of people really, all seeming to come to mind when i am not expecting it. Erin, Josh, Kerry, Ryan (Bubba), and my cousin Lindsay, just to name a few. It's obvious that these people, for the most part, are out of state so it would seem likely that I would miss them the most. But the difference here is that normally I have to actively think about them or the past to miss them, whereas in this situation it's coming to me without my seeking out those feelings and memories. I am dreaming about them or missing them all of a sudden in the middle of doing or thinking something else.

All of these people are or were someone important in my life and I have to believe that I am bringing them all about for a reason. Maybe I feel detached from those in my past and feeling the loss? Maybe I am reaching out for someone to fill the holes that they left? Maybe I am feeling that certain kinds of friendships are missing for me at this point in my life and I am bringing about memories of some strong relationships that I wish were still available to me...

It's not to say that I don't have friendships with any of the people that I have been thinking about or that there aren't others who I consider important to me...because that's not exactly right. It's more that I share(d) a bond with certain people in my past and for different reasons they are distant for me. Either by physical space, lack of communication, or from change.

I feel I have done a lot to keep some people close and have been lacking with a few others. I know that friendships change and people grow apart naturally and I accept that. Sometimes though, I recognize that hole in my life where someone once overflowed it. These are not run-of-the-mill bonds I am talking about, but very large and unique ones. Bonds that can't always be replaced.

I like to envision it like a heart with dozens of holes. People in your life fill these holes and mold that hole to their body so that only they can fit in it. When they leave that hole (either temporarily or indefinately) it stays empty. No one else can fit into that personalized hole. It would be like trying to shove a square object into the space for a rectangle. New people in your life make their own hole since they can't fit into the open ones. So even if you have more filled holes than empty ones, those few empty holes might be the most important or impressive. I guess I am saying that many of my most impressive holes are vacant. And I didn't notice until recently that it was affecting me.

I think what is most bothering me is that even if I was able to get those people back into their proper hole, they may not fit into it anymore. And this would mean that the hole would remain empty - that the friendship that I used to have and that meant so much to me would be changed or gone.

This is just some musing on my part, trying to work out some feelings I am having. Trying to reconcile my past with my present and future. Trying to figure out, at this point in my life, if I were to pick up the phone who could I count on to answer? Who would remember to return my call if I left a message? And most importantly, who would make time to call me first?

2 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about important and impactful friendships becoming distant or non-existant. It's sad when that happens. Not to be cliche but I always think of this quote "the only thing that ever stays the same, is change". I look at things so differently now. I put in effort in all of the relationships that are important to me, but I also realize things change, people change. Like you said, maybe those same people won't fit in those holes in the same way anymore. It's so hard to accept when that happens but I guess all we can do is look forward and decide whether we want to continue the effort or not.
    I try not to let those "holes" affect me too much, because then I tend to ignore the fullness of what is right in front of me. Ya know what I'm sayin?

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  2. Thanks for the comment. I am okay with change and much better about it than I used to be. I was just noticing how I kept thinking about those relationships when i least expected. I guess I just want someone to be able to fill the void that is left. Anyone can fit into a shallow hole, but what I want is a perfect fit for the deep ones. I still have some of my holes filled, but I suppose I didn't realize how much I missed the kinds of friends that used to fill up the vacant ones.

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