Someone once shared this song with me and it's stuck with me since. Matt Hammitt is part of a christian band and I don't listen much to that genre of music, but after hearing his personal story - it just fit. His son was born with a heart defect that had his family and the doctors unsure if he would make it. They almost lost the baby.
Matt wrote this song for his son. I think it applies beautifully to Michael and Alena and to any baby we may be lucky enough to meet in the future.
The lyrics are included in the video. Thanks for loving them with me.
# 5 Matt Hammitt - All Of Me
The next song on M & A's playlist is one I've posted before and I think it is the one that most reflects my feelings over the loss of my babies. I've always loved Daughtry and his song about miscarriage and baby loss is so moving. He and his wife conceived twins through the help of a gestational carrier after his wife had to have a partial hysterectomy. I just think the emotion that comes through in this song is beautiful. I don't need to highlight any one part of the song at all.
Please enjoy # 6 - Gone Too Soon
Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother,
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes,
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.
Monday, March 12, 2012
5 Months Gone
Lately I have been trying really hard to just ignore all the pain and do things for myself - things that might make me happy. Because let's be honest, there are a lot of reasons not to be. Reason upon reason to hide away in my bed and come out only to go to work, eat, and pee. I know this is not how to come back to life or how to honor M & A.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.
Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they lived...so it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.
My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.
I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.
In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.
I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.
I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.
I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.
We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.
Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.
It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at Cost.co and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.
The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.
The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.
So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.
Along with remembering M & A through music, I am working on becoming mentally healthy and prepared to possibly carry another pregnancy sometime in the future. I feel much better overall, although I think the fear will be there no matter when we choose to try again.
Today marks 5 months since my twins were delivered too early. I can hardly believe it. That means that I have thought of little else for 5 months straight. I suppose that I would be thinking of M & A every moment had they lived...so it's not really that different. The fact that they passed away doesn't change that.
My shift in focus is slow, but sure. It's been 5 months...and their due date has arrived and gone. My goal was to make everything about them through February and then try to find a new path, while holding onto their memory. It's been difficult attempting to shift part of my attention and heart to the idea of a new baby. My head is so full of M & A, my first born, that it takes a conscious effort to think of a different life, with hopefully a different outcome.
I'm doing it though. I do feel a small shift in myself since their due date passed by. I know I have to be comfortable in giving my body to another life and in the knowledge that there are still a lot of unknowns right now. I have no idea what might be in store for me were I to become pregnant again.
I am trying to stay calm and keep telling myself that what will be, will be. I can't do anything to change how things progress, only how I manage it. Being someone who loves control, this is hard for me. I know that I have to take life as it comes and try to keep focused on myself (and my hubby). I have to find happiness wherever I can and try not to worry until there is reason to. This is a hard mindset to keep, but I am working on it.
In the spirit of finding my happiness and keeping busy, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few weeks.
I finally went in for a much needed hour and a half massage and made an appointment early next month for a second therapy session. I hate that I have to pay out of pocket to see her, but I think finding someone new, with her specialties, seems too daunting right now. Plus, I like her.
I've also made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow. It's been in a sad state for a few months now and I always feel a little happier when I can't detect the white hairs now sprouting from my part.
I finally replaced the tires on my Subaru, which were incredibly bald and not handling well in our rainy Seattle weather. This was a huge expense, but much needed.
We also splurged on some tickets to see Wicked, the musical. Everyone I knew kept at me to see it, so I hopped online and bought them one evening when I was feeling bored. I am very excited to see it and take another trip down to Portland for a weekend. I figured Mike and I could use a little 'us' time (since we've been neglecting our romantic life) and rent a hotel. We'll visit some friends in Vancouver and celebrate both a birthday and a soon-to-come new baby. I'm missing the baby shower, but wanted to make sure this gal-pal knew I was happy for her. This was the same friend who hesitantly told me she was preggers a week after I lost the twins. I am going to go out and buy her a nice gift, since she has been such a support to me.
Beyond that, we've been making plans for dinners with both friends and family to keep our connections strong. It's far too easy to become hermits and stay holed-up in our house every evening. So I've made the efforts to invite friends out and visit our sisters. I had a lovely time with one of my best girlfriends last night over Thai food. We met-up at my favorite restaurant and had intimate discussions about family, marriage and our struggles. I am truly grateful she has moved back home from California. It seems that we could both use each other right now. And honestly? It feels great to be needed for once - to be able to support someone else and not always be the one needing a shoulder.
It's been 5 months and I am working hard to find my balance. Balance is important to me and is something that has been lacking lately. I'm trying to find inspirations wherever I can and smile as often as I can when thinking about my babies. The pain still hits me with great force from time to time, usually when I least expect it. The tears will come when I pass by a tiny Easter dress at Cost.co and immediately think that I would like to buy it for Alena. Or when I see a little blond boy holding his dad's hand in a restaurant and he turns his big blue eyes on me...and I see Michael.
The pain still comes, but more often I am able to turn my mind to other things. Being able to move past those moments in a relatively short amount of time, is a huge step. I'm able to share M & A's picture with those who ask to see and instead of crying, I smile and point out how Alena looks like my sister and how Michael already seemed to resemble his dad's paternal side.
The pain is there, but I am learning how to balance it with fondness and love.
So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and find ways to be happy. I'll keep M & A in my heart every moment, but also try to reserve a little place for the baby...the sibling...we want to bring into our family. And I think when month 6 rolls around, I'll be that much closer to feeling myself again.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Soundtrack's 3 & 4
The first song for today from M & A's soundtrack ( see link if you missed that post ) is one that I've been able to relate to both before I was pregnant and after. Some of the lyrics really hit home now as I remember the twins. I've always liked Coldplay and this song in particular. You can choose how you want to perceive the lyrics, which is always good. Right now I read into them as a mother who's lost her babies. My husband may hear them as his words to me.
Enjoy.
(I'm sorry about the ad...you should be able to skip it after a few seconds.)
# 3 Coldplay - Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you that I will learn from mistakes.
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
*********
The 4th song from M & A's soundtrack is one that I find both sad and beautiful. It's more like a song from the viewpoint of the one(s) who have passed away, then the ones still here. I think that some of the words could have easily been ones M & A would have spoken, had I been able to hear them.
Song # 4 The Band Perry - If I Die Young
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
Enjoy.
(I'm sorry about the ad...you should be able to skip it after a few seconds.)
# 3 Coldplay - Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you that I will learn from mistakes.
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
*********
The 4th song from M & A's soundtrack is one that I find both sad and beautiful. It's more like a song from the viewpoint of the one(s) who have passed away, then the ones still here. I think that some of the words could have easily been ones M & A would have spoken, had I been able to hear them.
Song # 4 The Band Perry - If I Die Young
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Soundtrack
It's finished.
Michael and Alena's soundtrack.
It took me a while to put together this set of songs. They had to be just right.
There was a reason behind each song and they had an impact on me differently along my journey. Some have touched me in ways of our struggle to conceive and the loss of my ability to reach my dream (so far). While other songs deal with my pain and sadness over M & A's loss. Still others reflect the things I would sing/say to them if they were here. A couple of the songs are ones that remind me of them and how I remember them.
I decided not to post a list of the 'soundtrack' songs I chose, but instead want to reveal them on here one by one. I'll start from the beginning and try to post 2 songs at a time, for a total of 9 posts. If I can find a music video or audio version of the song, I'll post that so you can hear them - along with the lyrics since I know some of these artists do not enunciate. I may highlight some of the lyrics that speak to me the most, which will point-out the reason for my choosing a certain song. This will allow me something to keep busy and share the music that means something to me.
Some of the songs you have heard and I may have already posted on my blog in the last few months. Instead of trying to find the post where it's already located, I'll repost anew (since it's easier for me).
~ I would love for you to listen with an open heart and join me on this journey of mourning and healing. It has helped me to collect these beautiful songs and bring them together. If you have had any kind of loss and want a copy of the soundtrack for yourself, I'll be open to mailing out a CD once I've posted the 19 songs. ~
#1 Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
# 2 Josh Groban - You Are Loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you
Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved
Love you M & A
~ mommy
Michael and Alena's soundtrack.
It took me a while to put together this set of songs. They had to be just right.
There was a reason behind each song and they had an impact on me differently along my journey. Some have touched me in ways of our struggle to conceive and the loss of my ability to reach my dream (so far). While other songs deal with my pain and sadness over M & A's loss. Still others reflect the things I would sing/say to them if they were here. A couple of the songs are ones that remind me of them and how I remember them.
I decided not to post a list of the 'soundtrack' songs I chose, but instead want to reveal them on here one by one. I'll start from the beginning and try to post 2 songs at a time, for a total of 9 posts. If I can find a music video or audio version of the song, I'll post that so you can hear them - along with the lyrics since I know some of these artists do not enunciate. I may highlight some of the lyrics that speak to me the most, which will point-out the reason for my choosing a certain song. This will allow me something to keep busy and share the music that means something to me.
Some of the songs you have heard and I may have already posted on my blog in the last few months. Instead of trying to find the post where it's already located, I'll repost anew (since it's easier for me).
~ I would love for you to listen with an open heart and join me on this journey of mourning and healing. It has helped me to collect these beautiful songs and bring them together. If you have had any kind of loss and want a copy of the soundtrack for yourself, I'll be open to mailing out a CD once I've posted the 19 songs. ~
#1 Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
# 2 Josh Groban - You Are Loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you
Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved
Love you M & A
~ mommy
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Forever In Love
I thought hard about what I wanted to do today for Michael and Alena's should-be birthday.
I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.
After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.
First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.
I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.
Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.
The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.
The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.
Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.
Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.
I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.
I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."
Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.
I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3
He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!
I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.
We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.
We will forever be in love.
I woke up this morning and just lay in bed...wondering how to honor them. I wanted to spend the whole day wrapped-up in my babies. In my quest to find peace and move forward with my life, I realized that I hadn't done much of this lately. I would allow myself a moment here and there, but not a solid block of time.
After responding to a few lovely text messages (thanks for the 4am text Jen, sheesh! j/k I love you), I got up and made a list of what I intended to do today. You know how I love my lists.
First on my list was to go pick-up some items from Fred Meyer: flowers, new candles, and window crayons. I wanted to make a place we could have a little candle lighting ceremony when my husband got home from work. I think it turned out pretty cute.
I opened the gift my mom left for M & A as well so I could include her in the ceremony as well. She left them the lovely picture and a card shown above. Besides this, I filled their bud vase on the fireplace mantle, next to their name blocks, with two white roses. The red ones from Valentines Day looked a little sad.
Afterward, I decided that my gift to them should be donating to a few special non-profits in their name. Three immediately popped into my head, so away went my fingers over the computer keyboards.
The first site I visited was RESOLVE. This made complete sense since infertility was the main reason we eventually ended-up conceiving through IVF. I wanted to show my support to an organization that fights for infertile couples all over the world. I would never have known M & A without medical assistance. There, I said it.
The second non-profit I donated to was Molly Bears. I am inspired by the kindness one woman showed in giving peace to grieving parents. She (and many others now) make weighted teddy bears for those who have lost a baby. She takes the baby's weight at birth and creates a tangible thing for those parents to hold. Her wait list is very long now, so I plan on making my own bears sometime soon.
Lastly, I donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a volunteer organization that sends photographers to the hospital or home of families who have just lost a child (or is in the process of losing one). They take photos of the baby and the family for mementos. Something they can look at when they want to see their child. I never called on this organization since my mom takes photos and was there to take mine, but I am grateful this service is available to others. I treasure my twins' pictures more than anything.
Tonight, I'll work on M & A's scrapbook and finish their 'soundtrack'. Once I am done with each, I'll tell you about them.
I haven't done much crying today yet, but I'm sure there are a few tears yet to come. I feel so much love in my heart for those little spirits. I have been smiling as I think of them and have given myself permission to open their nursery door and go inside. Maybe I'll sit in the glider-chair with their bears before bed and talk to them for a few minutes.
I read something wonderful in a book online today. It was a book of short stories written by babylost parents. I wanted to quote one here, since it really struck a chord with me. "What people don't understand is how present the babies are in our home and hearts. They demand, like living children, 'pay attention to me mommy, pay attention'. And sometimes I spend some time crying, giving in to their demands."
Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you.
I wasn't the lucky one to see a rainbow today. Mike was. <3
He was driving down south today for work and was on the lookout since the weather was perfect for it. Sure enough people...our babies showed up for him. It was sunny and lightly snowing where I was (I know weird), but he passed through some rain and our twins took their opportunity and rainbowed-out for their due date!
I am in awe of their persistence. They are truly special little characters, my babies.
We are SO incredibly lucky to have had them in our lives, if even for those few shorts months.
We will forever be in love.
Due
To my sweet, darling Angels...
Happy almost birthday.
"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."
~M & A~
Born - October 12, 2011
20 weeks
Estimated due date - February 26th, 2012
Our love for you knows no end.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Gifts From Heaven
I spent time thinking of Michael and Alena today. Yeah, I know that I always think about them, but today is Valentines Day.
A day for love. A day to think warmly of those you most hold dear.
I hold my children dear - I love them. So although it will just be me and Mike tonight (not celebrating much other than a small gift, a card, and a movie), I set aside some special time to think about them.
During my lunch break, I went to the local grocery market and bought them each a rose. A red rose.
Just like the ones I set loose to float in the lake of their final resting place.
I walked back outside to where my doggie Charlie was waiting for me in the car and looked up into the sky.
On Valentines day.
With two red roses in my hand.
I kid you not. I saw a rainbow.
My babies did it again! They heard me or felt me...whatever it is that happens. On a day that I purposefully held extra love in my heart for them and their dad. The moment I step foot outside after buying them their Valentines day gift...they send me a rainbow.
I won't doubt the gift this time. This time I am sure it's from them and it produced the biggest smile I've probably managed in the last month.
This time it's more than a coincidence friends. I've begun a 'rainbow watch' log to track each time something amazing like this happens around a special day or event. Every time I have seen a rainbow since October, it's been on a day when I most needed that comfort.
The day M&A were born.
The morning we spread M & A's ashes.
During the drive home on a particularly difficult day of grief.
The day before the new year when I couldn't seem to stop crying.
And today...Valentine's Day.
So how sweet would it be to have a log of all the rainbow sightings to keep in their memory book?
When I got home today, I went straight upstairs to where I framed M & A's photos of their names written in the sand and gave each of the pictures a big kiss. I had to clean the glass afterwards, but it was worth it.
Who knows what all hubby and I will do tonight, but I feel very lucky that our twins made it a point to show themselves to me today. They really are the most beautiful things in my life. Even though they aren't here in my arms, their presence is undeniable.
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